Walking In The Light ( Part 2 )

!ATTENTION!

PLEASE READ PART 1 OF THIS POST FIRST, IF YOU HAVE NOT DONE SO, THANKS! http://ofwildernessandrockyplaces.blogspot.com/2014/08/walking-in-light-part-1.html

“Then Job replied to the Lord, 

‘I know that you can do anything, and no one can stop you. 

You asked, Who is this that questions my wisdom with such ignorance? 

It is I - and I was talking about things I knew nothing about…'”

Job 42:1-3

When my daughter’s ENT surgeon brought me the foreboding news that one of her tonsils had “irregular anatomy” and was being sent to pathology for further examination, I was able to move quickly from a sense of fear to a sense of peace. But I could only reconcile that peace to my own thoughts and my own determination. I had yet to share the news with my husband, and everything within my fallible human heart resisted against doing so.

To cause another person emotional pain is against my most basic nature. When I was younger, I was the girl whom often befriended the kid nobody else really liked. I was the girl who would rather be grounded for two weeks by my angry mom than to hear my dad say he was disappointed in me. I was the girl who would listen to a boy bore me to tears rather than get up and walk away from him and hurt his feelings. Now, as an adult, I tend to keep things to myself if I believe knowledge of them may be painful for someone I care about.

In my marriage this peacemaker tendency tends to cause more dissension than it does tranquility. In my quest to avoid conflict, I wait to share information with my husband that I perceive will bring about negative feelings. At times, my misguided plan is successful in diverting the situation I don’t want to face, but more often it begets a river of negativism from a mere trickle. I end up dealing with double the confrontation than if I had simply been open from the start.

As I contemplated sharing the surgeon’s report of the need to examine the irregular tissue removed during our daughter’s tonsillectomy, I began to make a list of all of the things my husband has been faced with in this past year alone. Already concerned with his physical and emotional health, I hesitated to heap more onto the pile of difficult issues which seem to be burying us lately. Undecided in how to break this potentially crushing news for him about our daughter, the joy of his heart, I kept it from him while we were not in the physical presence of each other. As my daughter and I were being escorted to the hospital parking lot after her discharge, I was confronted with the news that another driver had experienced a medical emergency, causing her vehicle to crash into the back of my parked car during my daughter’s surgery. Here was some more bad news - news that I had no choice but to call my husband to deal with, pushing the other conceivably difficult discussion even further from my desire to attend to.

In a not unusual array of circumstances, I found that I did not have an opportunity to speak to my husband alone until late in the evening. By that time I was struggling mightily inside myself, weighing the risks and the consequences of telling him that night, or waiting. I have come so far in learning to trust God for myself, and I‘ve even progressed significantly in trusting him for my kids, but trusting God to deal with my husband’s faith is an area that I fail in over and over again. Once more, as I prayed and struggled to find the right thing to do, I called upon my two wise friends to give me their opinions. Once more, they both encouraged me to trust God with my husband’s reaction rather than trying to control things myself. I texted to one of these friends, “I just want God to tell me it’s the right thing to do.” At the same time, I was having a conversation with my son, who had been hiding the details of a bike accident he’d had earlier that day. These words came out of my mouth to my son, “You don’t need to hide things from us just because you think we might be upset. Don’t you feel better now that you shared this with us? Isn’t it better to talk things out than to pretend they didn’t happen?” In that moment I heard God’s words coming out of my mouth, speaking to me as my Father, just I had been speaking to my son.

When I shared the surgeon’s news with my husband, he responded as I had anticipated. He did not tell me it was okay. He did not hug me or pray with me that things would work out. He put his head into his hands and grimly said, “I hate this day! Is there anything else that can possibly happen to make it worse? I have nowhere lower to go!” And then he was silent for a very long time. My heart hurt for his, wrenching with the pain of knowing everything in him wanted to keep his baby girl safe, yet knowing he was helpless to control this. All I could do was to put him in God’s hands along with my daughter, to allow the plans of the all knowing Lord of the universe to unfold in ways unforeseeable to me.

As hours went by, I silently went about soothing my hands with end-of-the-day-tasks. Around midnight, I allowed the soft cushions of the couch to embrace me, my body spent and needing to be still. As my spirit continued to wander over thoughts of my husband's heartache, at last he chose to come to me, to comfort me, and to be comforted. I felt the heaviness in his soul as he lay his head against me and I smoothed his hair in an unconscious attempt to soothe his worry away. The next day, as life continued on in the way that it always seems to do, I felt flutters of hope as I saw him face the day’s challenges with resolve, and anticipation washed over me as I heard him purpose to trust God with our daughter’s life. And when the news came the next day after that, saying our daughter was healthy and the pathology report was normal, I heard my husband thank God with unabated relief in his voice. I, myself, was filled with gratefulness that God showed me this exquisite miracle to gently help me let go of one more thing I can't control. I am hopeful that through the next thing and the next, that I will remember to let God in his infinite wisdom do what he knows to do, without me having to linger in uncertainty about the process. I am thankful for good friends who helped me see the right thing to do, because if I hadn't chosen to share this regenerative experience with my husband, I wouldn't have seen with my own eyes what my merciful and compassionate God can do for him. All glory to God forever, Amen!

“Jesus spoke to the people once more and said,

'I am the light of the world.

If you follow me, you won't have to walk in darkness,

because you will have the light that leads to life."

John 8:12 NLT

“Then Job replied to the Lord: 
‘I know that you can do anything, and no one can stop you. 

You asked, Who is this that questions my wisdom with such ignorance? 

It is I - and I was talking about things I know nothing about, 
things far too wonderful for me. 
You said, Listen and I will speak! 
I have some questions for you, and you must answer them. 

I had only heard about you before, but now I have seen you with my own eyes. 

I take back everything I said, and I sit in dust and ashes to show my repentance.”

Job 42:1-6 NLT

“Oh, how great are God’s riches and wisdom and knowledge! 

How impossible it is for us to understand his decisions and his ways! 

For who can know the Lord’s thoughts? Who knows enough to give him advice? 

And who has given him so much that he needs to pay it back? 

For everything comes from him 
and exists by his power 
and is intended for his glory. 

All glory to him forever! Amen.”

Romans 11:33-36 NLT