My Soul Thirsts

In the 1930s, in the middle of the desert, a man made an amazing discovery: among all of the plants growing on his land, one tree seemed to be growing bigger and stronger than the rest. As he explored this curiosity, he discovered the reason. Very near to the tree, a water pipe had sprung a leak. The water was nourishing the soil around it and so also the tree, drop by drop.

The man, an engineer, began experimenting with the knowledge he had discovered. His research ultimately led him to the invention of the drip irrigation system, a method eventually used worldwide, even today.

The concept of the method is quite simple. Instead of soaking all of the land regardless of whether the area is dry or not, the drip irrigation system provides water to the growing landscape drop by drop, only where it’s needed.

A leaky hose was the answer to a flourishing life.

Six months have passed since the day of my husband's surgery. Six months was the marker - (the marker that I had set, after reading the research and history behind this surgery) as to when things would be "better". Somehow, I had thought, if we could just make it through to six months, we will have arrived. So, here we are... arrived. The only problem is, I look around and I realize, this is not the destination I had in mind.

While the brain surgery corrected one acute problem, the occurrence of the surgery disrupted the treatment of all of the other long term health issues. Even though our lives have been in a waiting period during this time of healing, the world around us spins on and on. Even while we already feel crushed and broken, an imperfect society makes decisions and changes which heap a heavier burden upon us. We have made it through most of a long winter, but right now, it is hard to anticipate spring. Hope has become like a mirage - I think that I see it, but when I reach out to grab it, I am left with nothingness in my hands. I have realized that while I had drank for a time from the floods of encouragement and support that had been soaking my faith, the overabundance was not a gift that could be saved and meted out as it would be needed in drier, less abundant times. Like a tree in the desert, my need is to be fed drop by drop, each drop directed to the part of my faith that is parched in that moment. This journey is long and arduous. I am tempted to give up, to sit down and shrivel up like an unwatered plant in the desert sun. I am distraught that I may never bear fruit again. My gaze has dropped to the path under my feet, wondering if I can manage another step.

This morning, as I wearily went to my YouVersion Bible app on which I receive my Life Journal Reading Plan for each day, the "Verse of the Day" was from Psalms 143. David wrote this Psalm when he was in the depths of despair, drowning in depression, fighting against hopelessness. He, too, was tempted to feel like giving up, but he knew where to go with that burden. He began to look at the past, to remember the faithfulness of God through every hard time he has faced, to fill his thoughts with God's promises and His love. He lay his burden before God, saying, "I spread out my hands to you; my soul thirsts for you like a parched land" (Psalms 143:6 NLT). David went on in the rest of the Psalm to ask for nourishment, drop by drop - for words of love each morning, for direction in decision making, for shelter in times of distress, for wisdom in discerning God's will, for steadiness in handling emotions.

When God answers my faint cries with his words, I know that He sees the dying parts of me and directs Himself to bring life to those parched places within me. 
He knows that a flood is not sustaining, but that a "leaky hose" is exactly the mercy that I
need to survive in the desert of my circumstances.

Psalm 143
King James Version (KJV)

143 Hear my prayer, O Lord, give ear to my supplications: in thy faithfulness answer me, and in thy righteousness.

2 And enter not into judgment with thy servant: for in thy sight shall no man living be justified.

3 For the enemy hath persecuted my soul; he hath smitten my life down to the ground; he hath made me to dwell in darkness, as those that have been long dead.

4 Therefore is my spirit overwhelmed within me; my heart within me is desolate.

5 I remember the days of old; I meditate on all thy works; I muse on the work of thy hands.

6 I stretch forth my hands unto thee: my soul thirsteth after thee, as a thirsty land. 

7 Hear me speedily, O Lord: my spirit faileth: hide not thy face from me, lest I be like unto them that go down into the pit.

8 Cause me to hear thy lovingkindness in the morning; for in thee do I trust: cause me to know the way wherein I should walk; for I lift up my soul unto thee.

9 Deliver me, O Lord, from mine enemies: I flee unto thee to hide me.

10 Teach me to do thy will; for thou art my God: thy spirit is good; lead me into the land of uprightness.

11 Quicken me, O Lord, for thy name's sake: for thy righteousness' sake bring my soul out of trouble.

12 And of thy mercy cut off mine enemies, and destroy all them that afflict my soul: for I am thy servant.

Remain...

Written Dec 21, 2013 2:55am

"But each day the Lord pours his unfailing love upon me, and through each night I sing his songs, praying to God who gives me life." Psalm 42:8

On Monday, we quietly celebrated my husband's birthday, looked back on the past year's journey with exhaustion, and ahead to the next with circumspection. 

On Wednesday, we traveled back to the university hospital for a CT scan and a consult with the neurosurgeon. The doctor was extremely happy with the surgical outcome -  healing has been ideal, his brain stem is contained entirely above the patched foreman magnum, and the pressure of the cerebral spinal fluid in his brain is now normal. No longer does he experience daily migraines, which was the foremost hope in choosing to undergo brain surgery. He is continuing to recover from the surgery as far as stamina and strength, and in a few more months, he should be completely healed from the effects of the procedure.

Other issues remain, of course, as we continue to live with the diagnoses of my husband's additional long term heath conditions which are chronic with no cures. Activity induced migraines continue,and the neurologist has ordered a vascular study called an MRA (similar to an MRI). An ophthalmologist will be seen for some unresolved vision problems that did not improve with the brain surgery. Unrelated to the vision problems, another  diagnosis has been added involving the ocular area. The neurosurgeon has been watching this area for several months, and the CT scan just done shows it is probably not a condition that will progress. The doctor will continue to follow up by observing any changes that may occur, and another MRI will be done within the next year.

We are grateful for the success of the surgery, for the positive outlook, for the wonderful care of an amazingly talented and compassionate doctor and medical staff. God has blessed us with these gifts, and not one is taken for granted.

While I cannot speak for my husband, I know for myself, as his wife and his partner and his caretaker and his encourager and his confidante, this has been one of the most challenging years of my life. Because of it, I am beginning to understand exactly what trust means - trust is moving with God and relying on his view of my circumstances as being the clear view, even when my own may be distorted or limited. I can't say that I am the ideal student. Most definitely I continue to do my share of tear-filled, fist-clenching, lip-biting resisting. Certainly, I rely on the tough as well as the tender words of friends who encourage me to be strong or to be vulnerable and also help me to recognize which situations warrant which reaction. But, as I practice trust, I find that my faith grows stronger, too. 

George O. Wood said, “Faith is never dependent upon favorable circumstances.”  I believe he is right, for faith is believing and trusting and enduring and hoping... all of these things which are experiences that come about when life is not ideal, yet we are able to remain in God's presence, knowing he sees what is unseen to us and believing he is orchestrating a victorious outcome.

So, while I look at the next year with trepidation, it is tempered with trust, and because of that trust, I can move forward in faith. Psalms 139:9-10: says, "If I ride the wings of the morning, if I dwell by the farthest oceans, even there your hand will guide me, and your strength will support me". I cannot ask for a better assurance than that.

I have to often remind myself of God's promises - promises which will not be broken

-I am not alone, "For God has said,'I will never fail you. I will never abandon you.'” Hebrews 13:5b

-God sees and understands my pain."When Jesus saw her weeping... he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled." Luke 11:33  

-God will listen when I pour my heart out to him. "The Lord hears his people when they call to him for help." Psalm 34:17a

-God will hold me up when the way seems difficult, and at times, impossible. "When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. For I am the Lord, your God."  Isaiah 43:2-3a

-God knows intimately the concerns of my heart, and can provide all the peace, strength, and courage I need. "My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever."  Psalm 73:26

-I can take shelter in God's protective presence. and find peace for today, strength for tomorrow, and hope for the future. "God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble."  Psalm 46:1 

-God promises me his peace. I am safe and secure in his hands. "You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you!"  Isaiah 26:3 

May the presence of Christ be the peace within you this Christmas and always. 

The Center

Written Sep 24, 2013 1:18am

Today, my husband had his first follow-up appointment with the neurosurgeon. The stitches were removed and revealed an incision that has been healing quickly and beautifully over the past weeks. The doctor was very pleased with the progress that was evident and gave the release  to begin light activity - driving for short periods,pouring milk from a full carton, being up and about for longer stretches of time, etc. 

Three weeks ago as we were pulling into our hotel in Madison, exhausted and anxious about facing the surgery the next morning, it was difficult to imagine being at this point in our journey. Just like the picture of peace like a river that we were clinging to that day, we have encountered a few rocks in our path during the last few weeks. And also like the river, we did not get caught up in them. With the propelling strength of Christ's living water and with enveloping currents of love provided by family and friends, our lives have flowed around and through each obstacle. Our journey has been made more beautiful by the thoughts and prayers and kindnesses of those who have moved alongside of us.  

As I have considered the analogy that explains the concept of "peace like a river", I have been compelled to read more about the subject of rivers. One article explained that, "Rivers are essential.... Plants and animals grow and congregate around rivers simply because water is so essential to all life. It might seem that rivers happen to run through many cities in the world, but it is not that the rivers go through the city, rather that the city was built and grew up around the center of the river."  

I found many words used to describe a river - peaceful, active, cleansing, strong, gentle, confident, secure, tranquil, essential, and, to me, the most compelling - center. The river is described as the center of life. The river was the concept of peace that we cleaved to at the beginning of this journey, and now it is the center we have built and grown around. 

When I think of center, I think of Jesus. He is my river of life - my peaceful, active, cleansing, strong, gentle, confident, secure, tranquil, essential, center. 

The center verse of the Bible is Psalm 118:8, " It is better to trust in the Lord than to put confidence in man." 

In a book which I read daily called A Psalm in Your Heart, the author writes that the entire center chapter of the Bible is about moving forward into the most difficult situation we have ever faced. It is about not letting our circumstances alter our faith even when we are in a time of deep vulnerability. We might be deceived into thinking that we will never survive this, but instead, we can know that God will help us. He will be our strength and our song on this day, the very one we are living through at this moment, no matter how dark it may seem. 

Chapter 118 in Psalms ends with the words that can keep our hearts centered on the perspective of truth. "Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good;His love endures forever." Psalm 118:29

The lyrics of a song have been echoing in my head all day today:

Jesus at the center of it all 

From beginning to the end It will always be, it's always been you, Jesus...
Nothing else matters, nothing in this world will do...

Jesus you're the center, everything revolves around you...

A Place of Peace and Joy

Written Sep 15, 2013 8:43am

"How is your husband doing?"

I have been asked this question many many times this week - it has been, for us, a testament to how many people care about and are praying for us. God has blessed us with an amazing amount of love and support during this time.

I apologize if my answer to those of you who have asked has been simple and brief. As a person whose energy level is inversely proportional to the number of words I speak each day, I acknowledge that I have not exactly been a verbal fountain of descriptive information. My energy credits are daily going towards caring for my husband, mothering my children, working with my students, and communicating with my God. Please know that we appreciate so very much all of the caring thoughts and sincere prayers and words of encouragement and kind gifts we have received. Each one of you is a part of our journey, helping us to move forward down this long road.

So here is the update:  Everything is going well, it really is. Post surgery healing is quite uneventful, which is ideal, but does not leave much information to report. It's kind of like when you have a new baby - they don't do a whole lot other than eat, poop, and sleep. If they do these three things, life is happy - if one thing gets out of whack, life is a bit stormy. I am happy to report that all three boxes have a check mark here at Rehab Central! Activity level is extremely limited and  stamina is low. A generous number of medications  help control discomfort and symptoms. Twelve short walks are required around the house or yard each day, and finding the right balance of how much to do during each active period  has been challenging, but we are accomplishing this goal nearly every day. I have been providing protein to keep things healing, fiber to keep things moving, and carbs to keep energy for walking. The little kids have been great about being sent off to various places for respite care quite often so that the house remains quieter during these initial weeks. The big kids have taken on some extra responsibilities to help me out whenever I have needed them to. Each kid takes turns sitting with their dad when he is awake, keeping him connected with their school lives and various activities, and distracting him when being tired and sick gets a little boring... but I have to point out, when someone is recovering from brain surgery, boring is ideal!

Sometimes, as a wife who is also a nurse, the thoughts of possible complications that could occur can make me a little anxious... okay, more like a lot! In response to these musings, I try to deliberately stop and thank God for the boring days and uneventful details of my husband's recovery. I try not to worry about what could happen, and instead focus on what is happening. I try to contemplate the many, many little ways that God has shown Himself throughout these last couple of months. I try to spend time thanking God for the number of my prayers He has answered with exactly the answer I was looking for, and also for the times He has answered with a response that I'd never have imagined, but makes perfect sense in hindsight. 

What I know for sure is that God has asked us to look to Him first. Before we consider any other thought or idea, we need to consider Him. By communicating with Him daily, by always acknowledging His presence in our lives, by trusting Him to perfectly control all of our circumstances - all of these things are a part of the process of seeking God first. When we stand with God, His character reflects onto us, and we experience the power of His influence on our reactions and on our attitudes. For me, being able to trade my naturally flawed inclination towards negativity and emotional ups and downs for the presence of God's positive and unchanging attitude - that is an amazing and supernatural influence that brings me to a place of peace and joy that I could never find on my own. It is a place I crave to be and will daily seek to find.

"Our hearts are in the things to which we devote ourselves, the things we spend our time pursuing... Every day another 24 hours or 1,440 minutes or 86,400 seconds is credited to our account, and we have to spend them. Whether we are a billionaire or a dirt farmer, except for those who die that day, we all have the same amount of time... how we spend it shows where our heart is." - John W. Ritenbaugh

"Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? ...if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, He will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith? ...your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and He will give you everything you need. So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today."
- Matthew 6:27,30, 32b-34

Peace Like a River

Written Sep 3, 2013 4:32am

This morning at 7:30 am, my husband will be having brain surgery. Right now, he is sleeping peacefully in our hotel bed, lulled to sleep by the fan of the a/c and the mumbling of CNN reporters turned down low on the TV. 

I, however, am sitting on the room's sofa, finally still after a day that seemed anything but peaceful. 

As I had tried earlier that day to finish all of the tasks of packing, of preparing the kids for the first day of school, of making a long list for Grandma (with schedules, responsibilities, and structured routines that help this family of eight to function smoothly) - I was feeling vulnerable, weepy, overwhelmed, turbulent, exposed... anything but peaceful! I was busy listing my worries for God, just in case He was not aware of how His plans were disrupting mine: 

Why was the surgery scheduled for the first day of school? 

How was my daughter going to handle being in school for a full day? 

What if my son is overwhelmed by high school, and the people he encounters don't know that he has autism? What if he cries all day or gets lost? 

What if my son with Down syndrome won't eat or has a toileting accident? 

What if one of our other three boys has a football injury while we are gone? 

How is my mom, as amazing as she is, going to fill in for two very involved parents when there is only one of her? 

What if my husband's surgery doesn't go well? 

What if the hospital releases him before he is able to tolerate the drive home? 

On and on it went - Why? How? What?

Being in that mindset reminded me that as much as I want to be, I am not the one in control. Almost every aspect of my life reminds me of how desperately I need God to manage all of the details, because the the sheer totality of them is beyond what I can manage on my own.

I locked myself in the bedroom to pack undisturbed, and the tears began to flow. 

I told God, "I don't think I can do this!" I am pretty sure God was relieved that I finally held the burden out to Him as He thought,"Absolutely you cannot! But I can!!!" 

I had read a few weeks earlier that "Peace is submission to a Trustworthy Authority, not resignation from activity" 

As I began to surrender all of my feelings, a text came through from a friend with a song whose lyrics include, "There's a light in the darkness shining, there's a peace for the restless soul... Jesus." 

I texted back and revealed my struggle at that moment, and my friend responded with encouragement not to worry (Luke 12:22-32)

and with suggestions that I address my feelings of anxiety and stress with the truth:

I could handle everything with God's strength (Philippians 4:23),

God's assurances of love and protection can still my fear and lead me to trust Him. (Psalm 27:1),

and I could recognize that God has revealed Himself as Healer. (Exodus 15:26b). 

The night before, this same friend had come over and prayed for my husband in our living room, asking God that a river of peace flow over him.

Our friend did not know that my husband had been singing the phrases, "peace like a river attendeths my soul" and "I've got peace like a river in my soul" to himself whenever anxiety began to approach him. 

Our friend did not know that I had been reading a book that talked about the meaning of that phrase - peace like a river: "God chose a very unique word to describe His peace--a river! A river is not calm and void of activity. It is active and cleansing and confident of the direction it is headed in. A river doesn't get caught up with rocks in its path. it flows over and around them, all the while smoothing their jagged edges and allowing them to add to its beauty rather than take away from it. A river is a wonderful thing to behold."

Another quote explained, "To have peace like a river is to have security and tranquility while meeting the many bumps and unexpected turns on life's journey." 

So, as I am getting ready in less than an hour to accompany my husband to the hospital  where the staff will begin preparing him for brain surgery, I am focused on having peace like a river.

God's truth tells me that if I listen to Him and not to my own desperate thoughts, 

I will have peace flowing like a river (Isaiah 48:18). 

I have confidence that God has all of it under His care, faith that every detail of my family's day today will go according to His plan, and trust that His plan is always the best one even when I cannot see around the river's bend.