The Waiting

“There is a life and there is a death, and there are beauty and melancholy between.” ~Albert Camus

Last year was filled with uneasiness for me... a sense that the world was always tilting, and no matter how I attempted to adjust my stance, I never could find a balanced position that allowed me to relax. When the life you are living is filled with uncertainty and hyper-vigilance, you become tired... I became tired - chronically, heavily, depressingly tired. I’d look around and feel overwhelmed by the veil that lay over my world. I’d look within and feel defeated by the circumstances that had been heaped there without my permission. I’d look up to God and feel like he was pre-occupied with whatever was happening just over my shoulder. And maybe he was... maybe God knew that I sensed what was behind me around the curve of the road, just out of sight, but close enough for me to feel the chill of its shadow reaching out ever longer and leaving me uneasy with the darkness it cast around itself.

In last few days of 2019, I finally ran out of road. As I turned and looked back at where I had been walking, I saw the shape of the shadow that had been behind me become sharpened in the light of the glaring truth. Finally, I saw clearly what I had been sensing all along. It was a shifting figure painted with someone else’s shame and deceit. It was hard to look at... even harder as I began to comprehend exactly what it was - unfortunately familiar, something which could never be unseen.

Everybody in this world experiences undeserved pain. It rips at your heart, pounds on your head, leaves your soul shaken. In a detached yet spiritual moment, the horror reminded me that Jesus had died from such an undeserved experience. And not surprisingly, the thought was not comforting. It was more of a disruptive awareness - like a train clattering down the tracks through the night with its horn blaring, and its dirty graffiti covered cars hanging onto each other by a mere coupling.

I know other people - friends, family - who have experienced deep pain this last year, too. A husband who shockingly died in a matter of unexpected moments at work. A violent seizure disrupting a peaceful night and announcing the previously unknown presence of a brain tumor. An estranged child becoming more deeply lost to her loving mother by her own hard-hearted intention. Such pain feels like a betrayal. It is trauma at its worst, wreaking havoc with our faith and with our families. Sometimes, all we can do in those moments where life betrays us is to suffer, exposed. We want to run away from the pain, yet somehow hold on to the precious thing shrouded inside of it that’s being ripped away. Our minds are at war with our hearts. Our faith is at war with our fear.

I could probably write in a bunch of right responses here - to pain, to fear, to traumatic upheavals. But sometimes, the right response is not the one that you would think. Sometimes, you have to be wild and scream and cry and pound your fists. Sometimes, you feel so fragile, that you need to lock yourself in a room for awhile and leave everyone else outside. Sometimes, you are so confused that next right thing to do waivers and swerves like a car out of control from one side of the road to the other. Sometimes, you feel like time is standing still, but then you realize that it’s actually you who is standing still. When you look around you’re shocked to realize all around that life goes on regardless, and the reality is, you’re forced to a point to go along with it.

I think that our inability to stop time from moving is the way that healing begins. It is a both a maddening and miraculous awareness. Before the horror and pain have even ended their barrage of mayhem in your life, the details of recovery are roused and engaged. The relationships in your circle begin to shift, and those with deepest significance, with the most soulful connections, begin to rise to the surface of your life, like cream in a jar of ice cold milk that has been left undisturbed overnight in the farmer’s kitchen. Suddenly, you realize that what you viewed as God’s pre-occupation while circumstances lined up to destroy your life, was not an abandonment at all. It was a patient waiting, a carefully orchestrated plan to ensure that what was meant to harm you, would in the end be used to help you. As your messed up life became separated into the before and after of the moment you became painfully aware of the circumstances that would change things forever, God had never taken his eyes off of you. Instead, he had allowed the cream to gather and rise, and even as you staggered under the suddenly too heavy weight of your crisis, he began to redistribute the burden of it. He ladled the cream from the top of the milk and began the process of turning it into beautiful new details whose possibilities had always existed in his plan, but could only arise through the process of separation.

As God has already begun to spread out the burden of my pain onto family and friends, I have felt a shift. While the ache is still there, so there is also a relief. I think that this past year of carrying this burden alone has both strengthened and weakened me. But I think there was purpose in the waiting. As the cream gathers to the top, so God had begun to gather my relationships and my life circumstances to a place where they would be ready for this time. As I became more and more weary of my burden, I became more and more ready to share it - not an easy task for an introverted independent woman like myself. And even as I am horrified and aching from pain, I am encouraged. Because when cream is whipped  and shaken and blended with other good ingredients, it becomes part of a number of delightful new creations - new and good gifts. Creations that are served to satisfy all on their own, as well as creations that enhance the flavor of other good gifts.

So, as I contemplate the pain that has risen in me, I also am shedding the veil that had covered my world. The future is becoming a bit brighter, although my vision of it is still cloudy. I’m okay with the uncertainty of it, however. Just before the moment of horror I have recently experienced, God caught my attention with this quote... “Honor the waiting. It teaches you the beauty and ache of hope in equal measure.” The beauty and the ache are both necessary in order to experience the miracle of hope. God has shown us that truth over and over from the beginning of time. Who am I to not be willing to sit down and rest with him after the grueling process, and enjoy the sweetness that comes in a dish of ice cream? There is nothing that can take away the precious hope that remains in me because of my strong faith in the good, good love of my Father God.

“But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.”
‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭40:31‬ ‭NLT‬‬

“Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.”
‭‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭13:12‬ ‭NLT‬‬

“Share each other’s burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ.”
‭‭Galatians‬ ‭6:2‬ ‭NLT‬‬

“They brought sleeping mats, cooking pots, serving bowls, wheat and barley, flour and roasted grain, beans, lentils, honey, butter, sheep, goats, and cheese for David and those who were with him. For they said, ‘You must all be very hungry and tired and thirsty after your long march through the wilderness.’”
‭‭2 Samuel‬ ‭17:28-29‬ ‭NLT‬‬

“Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord.”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭27:14‬ ‭NLT‬‬

“And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.”
‭‭Romans‬ ‭8:28‬ ‭NLT‬‬

“For the Lord is good. His unfailing love continues forever, and his faithfulness continues to each generation.”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭100:5‬ ‭NLT‬‬

“We know how much God loves us, and we have put our trust in his love. God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them.”
‭‭1 John‬ ‭4:16‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Waiting for Christmas

I am snuggled up to a heating pad in the living room, soothing my achy hipbone which is bruised from a fall on the ice three weeks ago. Our Christmas tree is lit up with its oversized bulbs softly glowing, each branch heavy with homemade treasures and cartoonish themed store-bought ornaments placed haphazardly by the kids last week. They were thrilled this fun tree was given the place of honor between the dining and living rooms. Usually, that space is occupied by this Mama’s fancy tree hung with white miniature lights and dressed in beautifully crocheted ornaments accented with glass blown icicles. Most often, the fun tree has been confined to the family room. But this year, the fun tree is the centerpiece of our indoor Christmas decorating. We also have an imitation “elf on the shelf” who hangs out in our bathroom (so that she doesn’t become lost or forgotten in the chaos of a house where six children reside). Our stockings are hung from cup hooks in the kitchen (with care… of course, with care!) and a three and half foot stuffed Santa is gracing our family room couch at the moment because my goofy kid-hearted husband thinks it’s “cool” (which it is... in a cheezy North Pole kind of way!)

I feel completely at peace about our haphazard decor this year… an interesting perspective when I consider the untouched tower of bins in the corner of our garage holding a beautiful nutcracker collection, a wooden advent calendar, antique Christmas dishes, a precious carved nativity set, Christmas themed picture books, framed photos of holidays past, and an entire Christmas village. These, and a few other family Christmas heirlooms have been collected over our twenty plus years of marriage. Traditionally, after eleven months of waiting each year, we bring these Christmas items out to replace our everyday home decor which, in turn is packed up in the empty bins for the holiday month. Usually, it doesn't seem like Christmas until the house is prepared, but this year, it just was not a feat that we could accomplish. And it’s okay! Because like I wrote in my last post, I am learning this year, for maybe truly the first time ever, what it means to prepare my heart for Christmas.

In years past, I didn’t think a whole lot about Christmas during the eleven months between one December and the next (other than buying an occasional gift on clearance and throwing it in the back of the closet). December would come, the decorations would go up, and I would attempt to focus my thoughts on the birth of Jesus, and what that meant for me. There were definitely moments where I connected with the emotion of the story - like the year I was nine months pregnant with my son, whose due date was two weeks after Christmas. That year, I identified with the heavy weariness of Mary… I felt significant compassion for this young girl 2000 years earlier who was required to travel so far under such barbaric conditions - cold and wracked with labor pains, no place to lay down and rest - let alone to birth a baby! But the empathy of that moment or other fleeting ones similar, did not really fill the longing in my heart for a total awareness and understanding of the meaning of Christmas as the celebration came and went each year. I mean, I knew why we were celebrating Christmas. I knew we were honoring the birth of Jesus. I knew we were showing gratitude to the Father for the gift of the Son. I knew that part of the celebration was reflected in the activities we chose to involve ourselves in such as giving to charities or participating in church events. However, the connection I experienced with the meaning was temporary, fleeting - not even close to the confluence of the event with its personal relevance to me that I somehow knew could exist.

But this year, this year! This year I believe I have discovered what I have been yearning for every Christmas for as long as I can remember. What I have come to understand is that Christmas is about the preparation of my heart that requires more than the hour of the Christmas Eve Service, more than the month of December when the world dictates we focus on Christmas. Christmas is about the process of preparing my heart for Christ that occurs the whole year through. It is about the relationship I am building with Jesus my whole life through!

I have spent the last year in relationship with Jesus in a way I have never experienced before. I have explored my Bible daily at the least, more often even several times throughout a day, searching the words that have come from my God, listening for the ones which are speaking to my heart at that moment, choosing ones to use in my prayers as I have grasped on to God's promises and direction. As I have meditated on His words, I have spoken or written my own back to Him- questioning Him, thanking Him, appealing to Him, praising Him, and even pouring out my anger, disappointment, or despair to Him. Rarely has an hour gone by that I have not found myself commenting to God. Rarely has a week gone by that I have not found myself either crying to God or sharing the good things in my life with Him. And I have not limited the subject of our conversations to myself, but have also spent time bringing my husband, my family, my friends, my acquaintances, and even strangers whose circumstances take my notice - all of these I have brought to God in prayer.

God has revealed so much more of Himself to me during this year, than I have ever experienced of Him before. He has been patient with my hesitency to always trust Him. He has been forgiving of my stubborn attempts to override Him when I ignorantly wanted my own way. He has comforted me in so many different ways when all I could do was cry. God has been everything to me this year that I have needed, every time that I have been willing to allow Him to be.

Most significant of all, is what God has done for me this past year by allowing me to remain in a season of waiting... even when I didn't want to wait (which I am ashamed to say has been the case more often then not). After an entire year spent in this time of waiting, what I am finally just beginning to discover is that the waiting is a gift! God has opened my eyes, and I now can see that it is in the waiting time that He prepares me for what is coming next! Because I have invested so much time during this past year in my relationship with Him, I have learned, repetitively, that I need to consciously surrender to Him my need for control, and to trust Him to prepare me in His best possible way for what is ahead. I see that when I am more often able to come to that place of surrender, I can more often choose to wait with hope and with expectancy, with grace and with a good attitude, with patience and with faith. This is how I prepare my heart for Christmas!

In the book The Blessed Woman, the author refers to the story of Rebekah in the Old Testament, specifically to Rebekah's attitude in waiting…“In the meantime, she would meet the need at hand. She’d take the opportunity the Lord had given her.” I want very much to have that attitude of waiting that Rebekah had.  

All year, I have consciously moved closer to Jesus. During this time He has shown me opportunity after opportunity in the waiting time to serve other people, to pray for other people, to listen to other people. He has shown me that as I prepare my heart to receive Him, He prepares my heart to follow Him. This Christmas, I believe I finally understand that celebrating the birth of Jesus is about the anticipation. 

For Mary and Joseph, it was about the anticipation of the details surrounding the actual birth. 

For the shepherds, it was about the anticipation of seeing with their own eyes the miraculous news which the magnificent angel had shared with them. 

For the wisemen, it was about the anticipation of the destination the star was leading them to and the possibility of worshipping this King whom the prophets for hundreds of years had written was coming. 

For me, celebrating the birth of Jesus is about the anicipation of what God will do next in my life. 

I am now, more than ever, aware of and amazed at all of the miracles that came together surrounding the birth of Jesus on that first Christmas night. Because of this last year of intentionally trying to remain in a consistently close relationship with Him, I am now more aware that His birth as a human on the first Christmas, is precisely the miracle that allows Him to relate to exactly who I am today - everything I feel, everything I fear, everything I desire - nothing is hidden or below His understanding of me. The life of Jesus born human at Christmas is the most amazing gift God could have ever blessed me with because His gift of life is what has saved my life. His gift of life has made me realize the value of my life. His gift of life has allowed me to wait in anticipation for what He will do next, and to know with everything I am, that whatever He is planning, I can trust that it will occur in His perfect timing for me.

This Christmas and throughout this next year, I will wait with God in anticipation for what is ahead. Even though I know that the waiting time is sometimes difficult and at times, even painful, I also know the joy that comes with being near to God. Waiting with God in anticipation of the best things that lay beyond the challenging things... that is the meaning of Christmas!