Relentless

I attended a summer youth camp as a nurse a few weeks ago.  A few times that week, I was able to get away from the health center in the evening to listen to the guest speaker. One night as he talked, the speaker hushed the large audience into silence and directed each of us to wait and listen for God to whisper a word into our heart. The word that came to my mind and echoed over and over again was "relentless". It wasn't a word that had been on my mind or in my conversation that week, but the feeling that came over me as I thought about it during that moment, was almost one of familiarity. Hearing the word in my head felt confirming… like when elderly folks empathetically discuss the difficult happenings in someone else's life, nodding their heads up and down in understanding that life is not easy, and that every person is faced with their own set of struggles and disappointments as they move through one day after another.

I quietly slipped through the side door to return to my nursing duties, and was not surprised to be quickly followed by my most “frequent flier”. I greeted him affectionately, and asked if he needed something, although I suspected I knew what it was.

“The bandage came off again,” he said sheepishly, hands in his pocket

“How do you know?” I asked, looking curiously at his feet which were enclosed in both socks and shoes, just as they had been forty minutes earlier. I myself, had carefully eased the sock over his right foot, then watched as he put on and then tied the shoes I had directed him to wear instead of the flip.-flops he had been wearing throughout that day.

“Well, I had to look at it!” he said in a worried voice, anxiety clouding his deep brown eyes. “I know that stick poked into my bone. It probably has a hole in it! It’s gonna rot my foot off!”

I sighed as I thought about the 4 or 5 times I had already rebandaged a small cut under his toe where a stick had lacerated the skin a couple of hours earlier.

“Buddy,” I said as I handed him two band-aids and sat in a chair, “I promise you, it’s just a small cut in your skin, there is not a hole in your bone, and your foot is not going to rot off… it’s really not!”

He looked at me miserably, and I thought of the note his mom had given me about his struggles with worry, as well as her suggestion that I try and distract him. “Distract him?”  I thought, “I have tried to over and over, all week long! It’s been one small thing after another… some real, some imagined… but, truly, this boy is impossible to be distracted! He is relentless!”

Relentless!

Suddenly, I knew what to do, because God had whispered that word in my ear. “Hey…” I said softly to my young friend. “I’m not going to bandage up your foot anymore. I gave you those two extra bandaids and you can put one of those on it yourself if you would like to. I know that we cleaned it and put ointment on it, and I know that even though it’s a bit sore, it’s gonna heal in a few days, and you’re gonna be just fine!”

“How do you know?” he mumbled, not looking up, shuffling his feet on the floor.

“Because I do,” I said. “God made that skin on your foot to protect your bones from that stick. He made that skin so that even when it gets hurt doing it’s job, it can heal itself by making new cells and becoming strong again. I trust God! I trust that when he made you, he did a great job, and that you are going to be just fine.”

I paused and waited, my eyes on the top of his head.

Finally, he raised his gaze towards me, and his eyes filled with tears. “But I can’t stop thinking about it!”

“Well…” I said, and thought for a moment. “How ‘bout this? Every time you think about it, Buddy - that’s an opportunity to remind yourself that God is relentless in His goodness and in His faithfulness. And even if you think about it a hundred times before you go to bed tonite, that’s a hundred chances you’ll have to thank God for His goodness and His faithfulness and to ask Him for healing.”

I sat back while he contemplated my words silently. As we heard the voices of more kids coming up the sidewalk, he stuffed the bandaids in his pocket. Giving me one last puppy dog look, he disappeared out the door.

After five days of providing around the clock nursing care for hundreds of teens, I went home from that camp drained and exhausted, but in the back of my mind still, was the word that God had given me just the few nights before.

Relentless.

It made me think of the sun shining in the desert, or the ocean waves pounding against a cliff… things that are powerful, naturally driven, connected with both life and destruction.

Relentless.

I turned the word over and over in my mind, and I looked it up in the dictionary:

Relentless. /rəˈlen(t)ləs/ adjective:

oppressively constant; incessant...

I looked it up in the thesaurus:

persistent, continuing, constant, continual, continuous, non-stop, never-ending, unabating, incessant, unceasing, endless, unremitting, unrelenting, unrelieved, unfaltering, unflagging, unwavering, dogged, tenacious, single-minded, tireless, indefatigable...

Indefatigable!!! I knew as I read that particular synonym that God was not using relentless to describe me, because anyone who knows me, knows that I am without a doubt fatigable!

However, this word relentless -  it did seem to describe how I often feel about my own life circumstances, and, more-so perhaps, about the circumstances present in the world around me.

My own family lives daily with the constancy of a chronic incurable disease in our midst. We arrange ourselves - our activities, our conversations, our noise level, our holidays, our relationships… our entire lives really, around the incessant presence of pain. Our need to consider it is never-ending, and our quest to tame it is unwavering. We seem to be in a continual pursuit of balance  - not wanting to bow down to pain by sacrificing our joy, yet not wanting to instigate pain with a disregard for its latent tendency to react strongly to exuberant living. This persistent dilemma of the unknowns about the future is relentless in its attempt to steal today from us.

There are innumerable atrocious circumstances in our present reality. Every day we hear about the horrors in our own country and across the world, of what one or more humans under the influence of unimaginable evil, will do to the most pure and innocent of all people. These situations persistently, continually, constantly, continuously, never-endingly, unabatingly, incessantly, unceasingly, endlessly, unremittingly, unrelievedly, unfalteringly, unflaggingly, unwaveringly, doggedly, tenaciously, single-mindedly, tirelessly, indefatigably never ever stop pursuing destruction. They are relentless!

I began to wonder why God would whisper this discouraging word to me, why he felt a need to plant it within me when I already struggle each day to not drown in heavy laden thoughts of the hopelessness of this world.

I thought again of the relentless sun, shining hotly on the desert plain, baking the ground a full thirty degrees hotter than the stifling air above it, until it cracks into a mass of chaotic grids. I thought of the powerful ocean waves pounding relentlessly against a cliff, undercutting it with sand and water and rock, over and over and over again, steadily destroying it into pieces that crash into the water below.

As I continued over the next weeks to on and off muse over the word, a revelation finally occured to me in the middle of my antagonistic thoughts about it. Relentless, the very word that exemplifies the arduous adversity in life - this word, this very same word, also illustrates everything that my God means to me.

God is relentless in the pursuit of my heart.

God is relentless in his desire for my devotion.

God is relentless in his faithfulness to never leave me on my own,

God is relentless in keeping every single one of the  promises He has made in His Word.

C.S. Lewis said, “The great thing to remember is that, though our feelings come and go, God’s love for us does not. It is not wearied by our sins, or our indifference; and therefore, it is quite relentless…”

The Apostle Paul wrote, “And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.  No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 8:38)

If the same word that describes the circumstances I am surrounded with, also describes my God, then I can only conclude that God is present with me in all of these circumstances.Though the world can be horrific and each day filled with difficulty and suffering, if I walk through the desert in the presence of God, He will be relentless in using what otherwise would steal and to destroy anything good in me, to instead give me life, and to give it to me abundantly. A relentless life is a blessing, not because I avoid the hard things or because I am blind to reality, but because I can walk through the midst of it all with God, and in His presence find peace instead of resentment, calmness instead of anger, patience instead of frustration, and love instead of hatred.

God created the sun to light up the world and nourish His living creation - the same sun that burns, brings life. He created the waves to carry life in the sea, to carry life to the shore - the same waves that crash, carry life.

I think that I finally understand the intention of God in placing that word in my mind one month ago. He was reminding me of who He is, of what He wants, and of His promises to me. He knows that in my humanness, I struggle more often than not, to appreciate and embrace - or at times, to even just tolerate the relentless life I live in. He gave me the gift of a word to remind me to have hope in His faithfulness and to wait for His joy.

The morning after that chapel service at youth camp, as I unlocked the door to the health center, my buddy was standing there waiting for me. I smiled and invited him in, wondering how he had fared through the night with his worry.

“Umm, can I have another bandaid?” he asked, a bit sheepishly.

I held one out to him silently, a questioning grin on my face, I’m sure.

“I know God is going to heal it,” he said confidently, then gave me a sideways look. “I know He is... even though I still think my bone is rotting… even though my foot might fall off.” His confidence waned. “Maybe I should go to the doctor when I get home?” he asked uncertainly.

With a sigh, I pulled out a chair and motioned him to sit down. “C’mon then buddy, take off your shoe and let’s have a look, and let’s go over this again…”

Relentless...

" I’ll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness,

   the taste of ashes, the poison I’ve swallowed.

I remember it all—oh, how well I remember—

   the feeling of hitting the bottom.

But there’s one other thing I remember,

   and remembering, I keep a grip on hope:

God’s loyal love couldn’t have run out,

   his merciful love couldn’t have dried up.

They’re created new every morning.

   How great your faithfulness!

I’m sticking with God (I say it over and over).

   He’s all I’ve got left.

God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits,

   to the woman who diligently seeks.

It’s a good thing to quietly hope,

   quietly hope for help from God."

(Lamentations 3:19-26, The Message Bible)

“And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.”   (Romans 8:28, KJV)

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full,”

(John 10:10 NIV)

“Sustain me according to your promise, and I will live; do not let my hope be crushed." 
(Psalm 119:116)

Walking In The Light ( Part 2 )

!ATTENTION!

PLEASE READ PART 1 OF THIS POST FIRST, IF YOU HAVE NOT DONE SO, THANKS! http://ofwildernessandrockyplaces.blogspot.com/2014/08/walking-in-light-part-1.html

“Then Job replied to the Lord, 

‘I know that you can do anything, and no one can stop you. 

You asked, Who is this that questions my wisdom with such ignorance? 

It is I - and I was talking about things I knew nothing about…'”

Job 42:1-3

When my daughter’s ENT surgeon brought me the foreboding news that one of her tonsils had “irregular anatomy” and was being sent to pathology for further examination, I was able to move quickly from a sense of fear to a sense of peace. But I could only reconcile that peace to my own thoughts and my own determination. I had yet to share the news with my husband, and everything within my fallible human heart resisted against doing so.

To cause another person emotional pain is against my most basic nature. When I was younger, I was the girl whom often befriended the kid nobody else really liked. I was the girl who would rather be grounded for two weeks by my angry mom than to hear my dad say he was disappointed in me. I was the girl who would listen to a boy bore me to tears rather than get up and walk away from him and hurt his feelings. Now, as an adult, I tend to keep things to myself if I believe knowledge of them may be painful for someone I care about.

In my marriage this peacemaker tendency tends to cause more dissension than it does tranquility. In my quest to avoid conflict, I wait to share information with my husband that I perceive will bring about negative feelings. At times, my misguided plan is successful in diverting the situation I don’t want to face, but more often it begets a river of negativism from a mere trickle. I end up dealing with double the confrontation than if I had simply been open from the start.

As I contemplated sharing the surgeon’s report of the need to examine the irregular tissue removed during our daughter’s tonsillectomy, I began to make a list of all of the things my husband has been faced with in this past year alone. Already concerned with his physical and emotional health, I hesitated to heap more onto the pile of difficult issues which seem to be burying us lately. Undecided in how to break this potentially crushing news for him about our daughter, the joy of his heart, I kept it from him while we were not in the physical presence of each other. As my daughter and I were being escorted to the hospital parking lot after her discharge, I was confronted with the news that another driver had experienced a medical emergency, causing her vehicle to crash into the back of my parked car during my daughter’s surgery. Here was some more bad news - news that I had no choice but to call my husband to deal with, pushing the other conceivably difficult discussion even further from my desire to attend to.

In a not unusual array of circumstances, I found that I did not have an opportunity to speak to my husband alone until late in the evening. By that time I was struggling mightily inside myself, weighing the risks and the consequences of telling him that night, or waiting. I have come so far in learning to trust God for myself, and I‘ve even progressed significantly in trusting him for my kids, but trusting God to deal with my husband’s faith is an area that I fail in over and over again. Once more, as I prayed and struggled to find the right thing to do, I called upon my two wise friends to give me their opinions. Once more, they both encouraged me to trust God with my husband’s reaction rather than trying to control things myself. I texted to one of these friends, “I just want God to tell me it’s the right thing to do.” At the same time, I was having a conversation with my son, who had been hiding the details of a bike accident he’d had earlier that day. These words came out of my mouth to my son, “You don’t need to hide things from us just because you think we might be upset. Don’t you feel better now that you shared this with us? Isn’t it better to talk things out than to pretend they didn’t happen?” In that moment I heard God’s words coming out of my mouth, speaking to me as my Father, just I had been speaking to my son.

When I shared the surgeon’s news with my husband, he responded as I had anticipated. He did not tell me it was okay. He did not hug me or pray with me that things would work out. He put his head into his hands and grimly said, “I hate this day! Is there anything else that can possibly happen to make it worse? I have nowhere lower to go!” And then he was silent for a very long time. My heart hurt for his, wrenching with the pain of knowing everything in him wanted to keep his baby girl safe, yet knowing he was helpless to control this. All I could do was to put him in God’s hands along with my daughter, to allow the plans of the all knowing Lord of the universe to unfold in ways unforeseeable to me.

As hours went by, I silently went about soothing my hands with end-of-the-day-tasks. Around midnight, I allowed the soft cushions of the couch to embrace me, my body spent and needing to be still. As my spirit continued to wander over thoughts of my husband's heartache, at last he chose to come to me, to comfort me, and to be comforted. I felt the heaviness in his soul as he lay his head against me and I smoothed his hair in an unconscious attempt to soothe his worry away. The next day, as life continued on in the way that it always seems to do, I felt flutters of hope as I saw him face the day’s challenges with resolve, and anticipation washed over me as I heard him purpose to trust God with our daughter’s life. And when the news came the next day after that, saying our daughter was healthy and the pathology report was normal, I heard my husband thank God with unabated relief in his voice. I, myself, was filled with gratefulness that God showed me this exquisite miracle to gently help me let go of one more thing I can't control. I am hopeful that through the next thing and the next, that I will remember to let God in his infinite wisdom do what he knows to do, without me having to linger in uncertainty about the process. I am thankful for good friends who helped me see the right thing to do, because if I hadn't chosen to share this regenerative experience with my husband, I wouldn't have seen with my own eyes what my merciful and compassionate God can do for him. All glory to God forever, Amen!

“Jesus spoke to the people once more and said,

'I am the light of the world.

If you follow me, you won't have to walk in darkness,

because you will have the light that leads to life."

John 8:12 NLT

“Then Job replied to the Lord: 
‘I know that you can do anything, and no one can stop you. 

You asked, Who is this that questions my wisdom with such ignorance? 

It is I - and I was talking about things I know nothing about, 
things far too wonderful for me. 
You said, Listen and I will speak! 
I have some questions for you, and you must answer them. 

I had only heard about you before, but now I have seen you with my own eyes. 

I take back everything I said, and I sit in dust and ashes to show my repentance.”

Job 42:1-6 NLT

“Oh, how great are God’s riches and wisdom and knowledge! 

How impossible it is for us to understand his decisions and his ways! 

For who can know the Lord’s thoughts? Who knows enough to give him advice? 

And who has given him so much that he needs to pay it back? 

For everything comes from him 
and exists by his power 
and is intended for his glory. 

All glory to him forever! Amen.”

Romans 11:33-36 NLT

Walking In The Light ( Part 1 )

When you hear the word pathology, it makes you cringe. As a nurse who can think and rethink about every possible scenario connected with that word, the implications to my understanding are even more daunting. The word pathology itself comes from the Greek word "pathos" which literally means "suffering". So, when my daughter's ENT surgeon came to me post-op and gently informed me that her right tonsil was being sent to pathology because it had irregular anatomy, of course the word CANCER drowned out all other thoughts from my mind. I felt as though the wind were knocked out of me as I sat down. Even the vinyl hospital room chair let out a sigh. My breath was shallow as I texted the info to a few friends who could pray for us without being overwhelmed by thoughts of possibilities of the outcome. (As a chronic peace-keeper, I often have a hard time sharing news with someone if it will cause that person pain.) I, too, began to pray and to do what I have come to learn is the only response necessary in every situation - to listen for God's direction. I turned back to the chapters that had been in my YouVersion Bible reading plan for that day, and John 8:12 spoke into my heart;

"Jesus spoke to the people once more and said, 

'I am the light of the world. 

If you follow me, you won't have to walk in darkness, 

because you will have the light that leads to life."

The day before the tonsillectomy, I was anxious. While my mind trusted that my sweet girl was in God's care, my emotions were fighting with the recent experience of my husband's brain surgery. Emotional memories are haunting. They are deceptive and misleading, teasing as they beckon you to follow them down a path that goes nowhere near the reality of the immediate situation. This was not the first time that my past has tried to mess with my present. I knew that a good response was to acknowledge my escalating emotions to a couple of trusted friends, each whom wisely gave me direction to look to God for peace and to put away worry. I talked to God about my anxiety and fear as I looked back in my Bible where I had highlighted the words of Jesus earlier that day in John 7:24;

"Look beneath the surface so that you can judge correctly." 

I felt like God was confirming that this emotion was a response to past fears, to situations already conquered and moved beyond. I was soothed by gratefulness as I remembered all that God had carried our family through this year, and I was able to trust that God was still there with us in this situation as well.

So, as I sat in my daughter's hospital room waiting for her return from post-op, contemplating what the pathology results of her tissue study might reveal, peace came over me as I began to focus on the words of my Comforter; 

"If you follow me you won't have to walk in darkness,

 because you will have a light that leads to life." 

When the nurse wheeled my sleeping girl into the room, I gazed at her face and that sense of peace continued to flow over me.  It was not a sense of knowing that the report would come back with good news, but rather a sense that whatever the results, God was carrying her through this, and His plan for her could be nothing short of loving and perfect in His purpose for her life. It was a sense of knowing that walking in his light was the best life I could ever hope for her to live. In that moment, I once again released my anxiety and placed my treasured daughter in the arms of God.

"Don't worry about anything; instead pray about everything. 

Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. 

Then you will experience God's peace, 
which exceeds anything we can understand. 

His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus."

Philippians 4:6-7 NLT

( to be continued in Part 2: http://ofwildernessandrockyplaces.blogspot.com/2014/08/walking-in-light-part-2.html...)

A Place of Peace and Joy

Written Sep 15, 2013 8:43am

"How is your husband doing?"

I have been asked this question many many times this week - it has been, for us, a testament to how many people care about and are praying for us. God has blessed us with an amazing amount of love and support during this time.

I apologize if my answer to those of you who have asked has been simple and brief. As a person whose energy level is inversely proportional to the number of words I speak each day, I acknowledge that I have not exactly been a verbal fountain of descriptive information. My energy credits are daily going towards caring for my husband, mothering my children, working with my students, and communicating with my God. Please know that we appreciate so very much all of the caring thoughts and sincere prayers and words of encouragement and kind gifts we have received. Each one of you is a part of our journey, helping us to move forward down this long road.

So here is the update:  Everything is going well, it really is. Post surgery healing is quite uneventful, which is ideal, but does not leave much information to report. It's kind of like when you have a new baby - they don't do a whole lot other than eat, poop, and sleep. If they do these three things, life is happy - if one thing gets out of whack, life is a bit stormy. I am happy to report that all three boxes have a check mark here at Rehab Central! Activity level is extremely limited and  stamina is low. A generous number of medications  help control discomfort and symptoms. Twelve short walks are required around the house or yard each day, and finding the right balance of how much to do during each active period  has been challenging, but we are accomplishing this goal nearly every day. I have been providing protein to keep things healing, fiber to keep things moving, and carbs to keep energy for walking. The little kids have been great about being sent off to various places for respite care quite often so that the house remains quieter during these initial weeks. The big kids have taken on some extra responsibilities to help me out whenever I have needed them to. Each kid takes turns sitting with their dad when he is awake, keeping him connected with their school lives and various activities, and distracting him when being tired and sick gets a little boring... but I have to point out, when someone is recovering from brain surgery, boring is ideal!

Sometimes, as a wife who is also a nurse, the thoughts of possible complications that could occur can make me a little anxious... okay, more like a lot! In response to these musings, I try to deliberately stop and thank God for the boring days and uneventful details of my husband's recovery. I try not to worry about what could happen, and instead focus on what is happening. I try to contemplate the many, many little ways that God has shown Himself throughout these last couple of months. I try to spend time thanking God for the number of my prayers He has answered with exactly the answer I was looking for, and also for the times He has answered with a response that I'd never have imagined, but makes perfect sense in hindsight. 

What I know for sure is that God has asked us to look to Him first. Before we consider any other thought or idea, we need to consider Him. By communicating with Him daily, by always acknowledging His presence in our lives, by trusting Him to perfectly control all of our circumstances - all of these things are a part of the process of seeking God first. When we stand with God, His character reflects onto us, and we experience the power of His influence on our reactions and on our attitudes. For me, being able to trade my naturally flawed inclination towards negativity and emotional ups and downs for the presence of God's positive and unchanging attitude - that is an amazing and supernatural influence that brings me to a place of peace and joy that I could never find on my own. It is a place I crave to be and will daily seek to find.

"Our hearts are in the things to which we devote ourselves, the things we spend our time pursuing... Every day another 24 hours or 1,440 minutes or 86,400 seconds is credited to our account, and we have to spend them. Whether we are a billionaire or a dirt farmer, except for those who die that day, we all have the same amount of time... how we spend it shows where our heart is." - John W. Ritenbaugh

"Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? ...if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, He will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith? ...your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and He will give you everything you need. So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today."
- Matthew 6:27,30, 32b-34