The Blessing of Burden

On Christmas Eve, our church usually holds two service times. This year our family chose to go to the later session, a bilingual service where the Spanish speaking and English speaking congregations of our church (which typically meet separately) came together to celebrate Christmas with traditional carols (switching between languages at each verse), relevant scripture and sharing of personal experiences (translated into both languages), and a concluding prayer time accompanied by a candle lighting ceremony involving each person present. One of my favorite Christmas hymns, Oh Holy Night, was among the carols that had been chosen for this service. It's a magnificently powerful song describing the wonder of the moment that Jesus Christ was born into this dark, oppressive world. To me, the most significant lines are the ones that describe the awe and the hope that Jesus brings to us - an awe that brings us to our knees and a hope that is possible to recognize and hang onto, even when complete weariness and impending doom seem to be upon us:

A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices for yonder breaks a new and glorious morn

Fall on your knees, O hear the angel's voices

O night divine, O night when Christ was born 

(Oh Holy Night, lyrics by: Placide Clappeau)

Another part of the service that stood out to me happened very unobtrusively during the children's sermon time. As I listened to the story being read, I noticed one of the Hispanic ministers, Pastor Loles, resting on a chair towards the back of the stage. I watched her rub her hand wearily over her round belly, stretched with the miracle of her first child living within her. A faint smile was on her face, her cheeks rosy with the heat of the stage lights. I observed her deliberately take some extra-deep breaths, and suddenly my own chest felt taut with the memories of a growing baby nestled under my ribs, competing with my lungs for room to move. As always happens at Christmas time when I regard a heavily pregnant mother, my mind wandered to thoughts of Mary carrying the precious life of the Baby Jesus within her that very first Christmas night. Without fail, my thoughts of Mary are consistently intermingled with both compassion and wonder. What an immense burden for her to be carrying in such extremely difficult circumstances... but at the same time, what a privilege she was blessed with to be sharing her own life with the life of God himself! On this Christmas Eve night the thought in my mind was this - Mary's burden was also her blessing.

MARY'S BURDEN WAS ALSO HER BLESSING!

A burden by definition is a heavy load, or something which causes hardship or distress. It's connotation is a negative one, rather than a desirable one. 

How many times in my life have I wanted to refuse a burden held out to me? How many times have I railed at God for putting an unasked for burden upon me? How many times have I felt as if I could not take one more step forward because the heaviness of a burden is more weight on my shoulders than it seems I can possibly bear? 

This past year and a half, I have struggled with the burden of depression. It is unlike any other burden I have ever encountered. It is one I have seen others carry, and one that I had told myself I never wanted to experience. I wasn't prepared for how it would slowly creep up on me... how one day I would look around and find that everything in my life seemed to shrouded by it. 

Familylife.com describes living with depression as this. "Your world is dark, heavy, and painful... depression seems to go to your very soul, affecting everything in its path." The website also states that the burden of depression affects 25% of the population. It's amazing to think that a burden that deceives me into feeling completely alone is the same burden that is experienced by over a billion other people in the world. 

For me, the perplexing thing in my struggle has been that at some point early on, I began to recognize the veil that covered me for what it was - depression. I can see it's there. I'm aware of its deception, of its intent to destroy. Yet, I continue to flounder in the presence of it in my life. I have watched in despair as some of my relationships have been strangled by the veil, and somehow I have not been able to reach beyond it to sustain them in a healthy way or, with more than a few people, to sustain them at all. Some people and situations that were once so important in my life have been lost to me, either faded away or ripped away, both experiences very painful and disorienting. Even my environment has been affected by the veil, plunging myself and those close to me into chaos and disorder and conditions that only serve to make the burden heavier, the veil more opaque.

This Christmas Eve as I considered the blessing of the burden carried by Mary, I thought about my burden and the possibility of it having potential to be paradoxically transformed into blessing. Was the terrifying situation which Mary found herself in, in any way comparable to the thorn of depression in my life?

In contrast to a burden, a blessing is a positive label - one defined as God's favor and protection, something prayed for, something for which we are grateful, something that brings well-being, or another person's support. When I think about the smothering presence of depression, it's very difficult to feel that the presence God's favor and protection can rest on me at the same time as a burden that seems so heavy and wearying. But even though my heart feels defeat, my head knows well a Bible scripture that I have read over and over, and at times I find myself holding onto it like a flotation device in the middle of a stormy sea.

“Jesus said, 'Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.'"

Matthew 11:28-30 NLT

Another version of the Bible says, "Learn the unforced rhythms of grace." MSG

I am weary - there is no doubt - and the burden of depression is heavy. Jesus calls to me as I struggle, and because I do know his voice, I recognize it - even through my depressive veil. I know he calls to me with no judgement, no expectation, no "to do" list, no disapproval, no annoyance, no anger, no disappointment, no hidden motives. He calls me with an attitude of grace that I do not deserve, and he desires to honor me with his presence. But even though I know in my head he has already chosen me to be close to him, even though I know in my head that my life has great value to him just as I am - still in my heart I struggle with the weight of the world, and with the opinions and actions of the imperfect people in it. Feelings of rejection and inadequacy in the face of exclusion and judgement are hard to live with and yet, for some reason, they are also hard feelings to give up. Feelings of fear and helplessness relayed by news of incomprehensible violence and unimaginable cruelty are hard to lay down. Feelings of loneliness and disconnection even when I am with those closest to me are hard to look past despite the fact that I know my emotions are not always accurate indicators of the truth.

As I grappled last night once again with the choice of putting down the burdens I have picked up under my own free will, and instead holding to myself the promises that I know are true ( because I know that what God has promised is always true, despite how I feel ), some lyrics from the song Breath of Heaven, also known as simply Mary's Song, came to mind:

"I have travelled many moonless nights


Cold and weary, with a babe inside


And I wonder what I've done


Holy Father, you have come


And chosen me now
 to carry your son

I am waiting in a silent prayer


I am frightened by the load I bear


In a world as cold as stone,


Must I walk this path alone?


Be with me now
, Be with me now

Breath of heaven


Hold me together


Be forever near me


Breath of heaven




Breath of heaven


Lighten my darkness


Pour over me your holiness


For you are holy"

(Breath Of Heaven, lyrics by: Amy Grant)

Like this song portrays, I think that Mary was probably filled with feelings of doubt concerning her situation, with fear and dismay over her circumstances, with loneliness in the face of others judging and rejecting her... but I also think that Mary's faith in God and what he had promised was stronger than her desperation. The author of the song's lyrics explains, "It is a prayer that fits a lot of people's circumstances, because it is a cry for mercy." 

I am laying here now, on this early Christmas morning, glancing out the window at the grayness of the December sky. I cry for God to have mercy for me in my circumstances, to hold me together during the many times today that I'm sure to feel like falling apart for a number of reasons or for not any reason at all. And as my heart reaches out to my Savior, my head recognizes the blessing in the burden I'm carrying. The blessing comes with bringing the burden to Jesus, in exchanging it in his presence for the simplicity of being loved by him, in looking away from despair towards hope, and in the faithful expectation of waiting for the day when the veil of depression is torn forever. 

"Breath of heaven

Lighten my darkness

Pour over me your holiness

For you are holy"

"The people who walk in darkness will see a great light. For those who live in a land of deep darkness, a light will shine....For a child is born to us, a son is given to us. The government will rest on his shoulders. And he will be called: Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace."

Isaiah 9:2-6 NLT

Breathe Peace

Here at our house, our family's Christmas tree is not yet decorated, even the strings of lights are lying in a jumble under the bare tree branches. No Christmas cookies have been baked so far, although there are crumbs on the counter from ones that Grandma brought a few days ago. Our house is not prepared inside for Christmas - but that's okay, because we are learning that the Advent season is more about preparing the inside of our hearts. This month, my family and I and our stubborn hearts, are being given many opportunities to learn patience for doing things as we can and for letting go, in peace, of what we can't. We are learning to appreciate time together, even when things are not going right,(which is much of the time... so obviously, we must need a lot of practice!)

Today, we were running late for church as usual - some of us too focused on being ready for the Children's Christmas Program to notice the minutes flying by, all of us not morning people and thinking more about our pillows than our clocks. After three attempts at hollering down the stairs, my tone carried enough urgency to motivate my drowsy troupe into waiting in the car. I returned to the bathroom mirror alone and awkwardly twisted my arm behind my back in an attempt to finish zipping my dress with a reach just shy of effective. Finally, I paused with frustration at my struggling reflection, looked into the mirror, and breathed deliberately. I reminded myself (as I often do) to quiet my heart and allow calm in, to open myself to peace. After all, the unchangeable truth is that God is still God, even if we're late for church! 

A short time later (feeling encouraged by my one last determined and successful effort to conquer the elusive dress zipper), I pulled our vehicle into the church parking lot. We surreptiously slipped in a side door of the building to avoid friendly greeters at the front who might absorb minutes of smiles and small-talk that we did not have available to invest at the moment. (But usually, we are glad to feel very welcomed by the greeters!) Releasing a sigh with my dwindling tension, I nudged my own kids and a few other stragglers to find their groups that would be lining up for their performance entry soon. Then I deftly navigated a path to a familiar seat as the church service unfolded. With a spirit of expectation, I settled in, all the while reflecting on the many past years of enjoying my kids' Christmas performances.

What I was thinking about in particular, as I waited, was how the holiday children's pageants at church are truly about the reality of what Christmas means. We moms and dads watch with wonder and bated breath, straining our necks to glimpse our kids celebrating the gift of the Baby Jesus. Older church attendees chuckle affectionately at the crooked halos, beam at our little ones' earnest efforts to sing out the joyful notes, lean forward as Mary and Joseph debate in nervous whispers whether it is time yet to hold up the well-loved doll representing the newborn King. Sometimes, a few tears are shed as a nervous child's heart longs for the comfort of her father's arms over the spotlight of overwhelming attention amid the crowd on the stage. Sometimes, the tears are those of the audience as each observer shares a common joy in the faith of a child displayed. All of the bits and pieces of the moments we observe are highly treasured and pondered on altars of love.


Christmas pageants remind us that as a baby, Jesus was born into an imperfect world. He was a precious gift given with unconditional love by our Father in heaven to us, His children on earth. He was the gift of a Savior from our Father God, who gazes affectionately at us as we fumble about, experiencing life and the organized chaos surrounding us... who smiles with pleasure whenever we choose to graciously bring our joy to Him and recognize the good things He daily blesses us with... whose heart aches with ours when we struggle with pain or shed tears over the exacting circumstances that happen in separation from Him... who fills us with peace over the miracle of it all, when we realize that all of this imperfection only makes the beauty of our story shine that much more brightly.

God fills us with peace over the miracle of it all, when we realize that all of this imperfection only makes the beauty of our story shine that much more brightly. 

Later on at home, my heart is soothed by the peace and the joy that God pours over me when I contemplate the gifts He has for me even just in these evening moments  - the sounds of my family teasing each other as we finally come together and hang the colorful, vintage sized Christmas lights on the tree... the happy reminiscing that occurs while old ornaments are mingled among a few new and distributed with affection among heavy laden tree branches...the quietness that comes upon me as I breathe in and breathe out again, watching those I love most in the world illustrate in their actions the same gladness that I feel playing on my own lips...  breathing in the peace that is present.

When the little ones are asleep, my thoughts return one more time to our church service that morning - to the compelling message that our knowledgeable senior pastor shared with us after the pageant. He expressed that the peace of Christmas which we experience today manifests as a peace within ourselves. We come by it when we invite God to place His peace within us, even when there is not peace around us. God's peace for today, is an inner rest, a freedom from anxiety, from worry and despair. This peace is a gift that is available from God for each of us, and all that we have to do to receive it is to trust in Him. I know that for myself, I find that the more difficult my life gets, the more I need to deliberately focus my trust on what God has promised me. Author A.W.Tozer wrote,  "To have found God and still to pursue Him is the soul's paradox of love." I can understand Tozer's curious premise as I, too, have discovered that the more I focus on trusting God, the more peace I receive. The more peace I receive, the more I focus on trusting God. He has blessed me with the present of His presence in my present - with the gift of His peace in my life on this day.

Later still, as I lay in my own bed, I consider the additional gifts God has given to me lovingly wrapped within the walls of my church - the friendships, the lessons, the support, the joy, the security, the encouragement, the prayers... I think about how these gifts, as God has meant them,  are living and growing and powerful gifts, colored with the potential and the intention to spill out of the wrappings, beyond the church building, into my life and community, and even into the world!

I am praying that each one of you reading these words will open your heart to receive God's gift of peace during this Christmas season, and that you will continue to seek Him in all of life's seasons that follow. 

"You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you!
(Isaiah 26:3 NLT) 

May God give you more and more grace and peace as you grow in your knowledge of God and Jesus our Lord. 

(2 Peter 1:2) 

For a child is born to us, a son is given to us. The government will rest on his shoulders. And he will be called: Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. 

(Isaiah 9:6 NLT) 

I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.” 
(John 16:33 NLT) 

“Don’t let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust also in me. 

(John 14:1 NLT) 

I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit. 

(Romans 15:13 NLT) 

And just as they were telling about it, Jesus himself was suddenly standing there among them. “Peace be with you,” he said. 

(Luke 24:36 NLT) 

Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. 

(Philippians 4:7 NLT) 

And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts

(Colossians 3:15 NLT) 

So letting your sinful nature control your mind leads to death. But letting the Spirit control your mind leads to life and peace. 

(Romans 8:6 NLT)

My Uncle The Shepherd

Then I will give you shepherds after my own heart, who will lead you with knowledge and understanding. 
-Jeremiah 3:15 NIV

Last night, we celebrated the retirement of my uncle following his 33 years as pastor of a living and growing church that serves a city of 100,000 people. As I sat and listened to his congregation and his fellow leaders relate stories and significant moments which they had shared with him over time, I contemplated my own many experiences of visiting this church - recollections which revealed that my uncle's role of leadership in this church has been woven into my family heritage throughout the years of my life: Sunday morning services over summer vacation visits, lovely cousin weddings followed by precious pastel baby showers, milestone celebrations among tearful family funerals, seasonal celebrations of Christmas and Easter miracles, and numerous happenings and occasions in the in-between. My memories of this church are accented with feelings of contentment and nostalgia, a bit of wistfulness and much affection, and always always with a sense of love and comfort and family.

In considering my uncle himself, I know without a doubt that what he has taught from the pulpit and spoken to his parishioners is lived out in his life. I know that his staccato laugh and the half smile that is often playing on his lips are rooted in joy and notwithstanding sorrow. I know that the affectionate arm he puts around me whenever he sees me encompasses me in love without reservation. I know that the candor that spills from his heart and into his words can make me laugh or make me think or even make me roll my eyes at 43 just like I did when I was 13 years old. But, most importantly, I know that the invaluable truth which he confidently speaks gives me hope for what lies ahead, no matter what the circumstances look like today. I am blessed by the verity and faith of my uncle. I respect his shepherd's spirit which lovingly and steadfastly ministers to those whom God has entrusted him with. I value his fisherman's heart which has caught so many lives by holding out the love of Christ with patient anticipation and consistent grace. Most of all, I am grateful for the simple yet profound legacy he has created by the genuine life he lives which is a beloved gift to all who know him: Love God and love people, be faithful in hope, for the best is yet to come. 

 Be shepherds of God’s flock that is under your care, watching over them...

(1 Peter 5:2a NIV)

Jesus said to them, “Come with me. I’ll make a new kind of fisherman out of you. I’ll show you how to catch men and women instead of perch and bass.” They didn’t ask questions, but simply dropped their nets and followed.

(Matthew 4:19-20 MSG) 

Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. 

 (Deuteronomy 6:5-7 NIV)

Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: 

The faithful love of the Lord never ends!

His mercies never cease. 

Great is his faithfulness; 

his mercies begin afresh each morning. 

I say to myself, 

“The Lord is my inheritance; 

therefore, I will hope in him!”

(Lamentations 3:21-24 NLT)