Beauty in the Broken

A broken tree does not heal. It's true - a tree does not replace wounded or broken fibers with new wood. Instead, the tree permits the broken part to die and the tree moves on, growing around the wound. The tree allows its wound to simply scar over and exist, like a flaw that is present but no longer acknowledged as actively significant.1

"All this pain

I wonder if I’ll ever find my way

I wonder if my life could really change at all.

All this earth

Could all that is lost ever be found

Could a garden come up from this ground at all"2

One year ago yesterday, my husband was undergoing brain surgery. I can look back in my heart and remember I was afraid. I can look back in my mind and remember I was hopeful. Most importantly, I can look at today and know that even though the road from that experience has been difficult, has been dark, has been depressing - I can look at today and know that today is the one that matters.

Once a tree is injured, the wound will eventually become encased in a "knot", and new growth will simply begin on the perimeter of the wound where the healthy tree tissue is situated. Wounded trees can be freely observed most anywhere here in Northern Wisconsin.1 The "knot" of the wound is just a part of the tree. A tree steadily continues growing around its wound and moves on from it over a period of time.

A tree steadily continues growing 

around its wound and moves on from it over a period of time.

I look at my husband today, and I can see the faint scar that has formed over the four inch surgical incision that was made on the day of his brain surgery a year ago. I know that underneath, the physical malformation is still present. I know that a highly skilled and trustworthy surgeon applied a patch to passively prevent the anatomical defect from causing further damage as life goes on.

The knot in the tree is not a healed wound. It is a flaw, an imperfection, a part of the tree which essentially is not active - a scar. Yet, if the tree was able to recover properly with good support, whether natural or facilitated by a human, the existence of the knot will not cause more harm to the tree.1 

Sometimes wounds occur accidentally to a tree, but there are also times when a tree is cut intentionally, or pruned. The pruning is done for the purpose of health or for artistry. According to the Washington State University Extension, pruning of fruit trees is important to establish a firm structure, and to provide light channels throughout the tree so that the tree's fruit can mature well. It is important that a knowledgeable arborist does the pruning because improper cuts are potentially life-ending to a tree, while the correct ones will ensure the best access to sunlight so that an optimum harvest of fruit will result.3

The pruning is done for a purpose.

I see my husband in my memory of that day a year ago, in the hospital neurosurgery ICU - struggling to sit up, struggling to keep the world from spinning, struggling to tolerate the piercing invasive pain that had been inflicted with his own permission. What I remember most clearly, though, is the hope. The hope that sparked through the struggle, as we recognized a return of different physical aspects back to normal that had been suppressed by the compression of his brainstem for quite some time prior to the surgery. The hope that life was about to grow upward once again.

An arborist knows when and how and where to make pruning cuts on limbs, so that the tree has the best potential to close them with its natural defenses, and so that growth can continue beyond the wound, in the direction which the arborist deems best. Sometimes, however, the ensuing direction is unexpected, perhaps because the wound being cared for is not the only wound present1, or sometimes perhaps because the arborist is actually a designer... a visionary who sees the bigger picture... a creator who sees beauty in unusual places.

"You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust

You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of us"3

God is an arborist - a tree gardener, a planter, a grower, a caretaker. He sows and waters and feeds and prunes. He creates, protects, shapes, and transforms. He invites us to gaze at His majestic work with wonder and praise and quiet awe. His vocation is poetic and authoritative and precise. He creates beauty in paradox, nurturing our souls to grow by finding freedom through the very act of becoming captive to His desires, shaping our spirits to be uplifted higher than we could ever fathom simply by bowing down before Him, renewing our lives and our perspectives even as we allow our selfishness to die in recognition of the perfect authority of His plans.

I see in my mind my husband's view a year ago. A view colored by the beginnings of hope, colored by the perspective that life would be moving on in a sensible and predictable direction, colored by a limited understanding that failed to see that everything will be alright even when it's not all right. And suddenly, I know that what I am seeing in my memory of his outlook is actually a reflection of my own finite vision.

“This is what the Sovereign Lord says: 

I myself will take a shoot from the very top of a cedar and plant it; 

I will break off a tender sprig from its topmost shoots 

and plant it on a high and lofty mountain. 

On the mountain heights of Israel I will plant it; 

it will produce branches and bear fruit and become a splendid cedar. 

Birds of every kind will nest in it; 

they will find shelter in the shade of its branches. 

All the trees of the forest will know that 

I the Lord bring down the tall tree and make the low tree grow tall. 

I dry up the green tree and make the dry tree flourish. 

I the Lord have spoken, and I will do it.” 

(Ezekiel 17:22-24 NIV)

I don't know why God chooses to move our lives in directions that seem long and shadowy and wearying. I don't know why this is the place we have journeyed to in pursuit of His plan and His wisdom and His care. It is not a place I have ever envisioned or would have chosen on my own... but I do know that sovereign means God has supreme authority. I do know that His compassion and goodness are never-ending. I do know that nothing in the universe happens that is outside of His influence.

"All around

Hope is springing up from this old ground

Out of chaos 

life is being found in You"3

I can look at today and know that this is the day that matters. Our knots may help shape us. Our knots may be a portion of who we have become. They may remind us of what we have been through and may have influence over where we are going. But our knots do not define us. What defines us is decided by the One who defines us... the One who created us... the One who tends to our wounds and covers them with a part of Himself... the One who sees the beauty and the value of our knots and who makes good grow out from all around them. The One who sees the individual tree and also sees its place in the greater forest.

"You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of the dust

You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of us"3

"But I am like an olive tree flourishing in the house of God; 

I trust in God’s unfailing love forever and ever. 

For what you have done 

I will always praise you in the presence of your faithful people. 

And I will hope in your name, for your name is good."

(Psalm 52:8-9 NIV)

I am like a tree fluorishing...

I trust in His love...

His love never fails...

I praise Him for all He has done...

I hope in His name...

for His name is GOOD.

1 Stringer, Larry A., and Jim R. LaBerge. "We Know Trees." How Do Trees Heal?Golden Rule Tree Service, 2012. Web. 04 Sept. 2014.

2 Gary, Moulton, and King Jacky. "Pruning Tree Fruit – The Basics." Pruning Tree Fruit. WSU Mount Vernon Research & Extension Unit, n.d. Web. 04 Sept. 2014.

3 Gungor. Beautiful Things. Brash Music, 2010. MP3.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OR7VOKQ0xJY

My Soul Thirsts

In the 1930s, in the middle of the desert, a man made an amazing discovery: among all of the plants growing on his land, one tree seemed to be growing bigger and stronger than the rest. As he explored this curiosity, he discovered the reason. Very near to the tree, a water pipe had sprung a leak. The water was nourishing the soil around it and so also the tree, drop by drop.

The man, an engineer, began experimenting with the knowledge he had discovered. His research ultimately led him to the invention of the drip irrigation system, a method eventually used worldwide, even today.

The concept of the method is quite simple. Instead of soaking all of the land regardless of whether the area is dry or not, the drip irrigation system provides water to the growing landscape drop by drop, only where it’s needed.

A leaky hose was the answer to a flourishing life.

Six months have passed since the day of my husband's surgery. Six months was the marker - (the marker that I had set, after reading the research and history behind this surgery) as to when things would be "better". Somehow, I had thought, if we could just make it through to six months, we will have arrived. So, here we are... arrived. The only problem is, I look around and I realize, this is not the destination I had in mind.

While the brain surgery corrected one acute problem, the occurrence of the surgery disrupted the treatment of all of the other long term health issues. Even though our lives have been in a waiting period during this time of healing, the world around us spins on and on. Even while we already feel crushed and broken, an imperfect society makes decisions and changes which heap a heavier burden upon us. We have made it through most of a long winter, but right now, it is hard to anticipate spring. Hope has become like a mirage - I think that I see it, but when I reach out to grab it, I am left with nothingness in my hands. I have realized that while I had drank for a time from the floods of encouragement and support that had been soaking my faith, the overabundance was not a gift that could be saved and meted out as it would be needed in drier, less abundant times. Like a tree in the desert, my need is to be fed drop by drop, each drop directed to the part of my faith that is parched in that moment. This journey is long and arduous. I am tempted to give up, to sit down and shrivel up like an unwatered plant in the desert sun. I am distraught that I may never bear fruit again. My gaze has dropped to the path under my feet, wondering if I can manage another step.

This morning, as I wearily went to my YouVersion Bible app on which I receive my Life Journal Reading Plan for each day, the "Verse of the Day" was from Psalms 143. David wrote this Psalm when he was in the depths of despair, drowning in depression, fighting against hopelessness. He, too, was tempted to feel like giving up, but he knew where to go with that burden. He began to look at the past, to remember the faithfulness of God through every hard time he has faced, to fill his thoughts with God's promises and His love. He lay his burden before God, saying, "I spread out my hands to you; my soul thirsts for you like a parched land" (Psalms 143:6 NLT). David went on in the rest of the Psalm to ask for nourishment, drop by drop - for words of love each morning, for direction in decision making, for shelter in times of distress, for wisdom in discerning God's will, for steadiness in handling emotions.

When God answers my faint cries with his words, I know that He sees the dying parts of me and directs Himself to bring life to those parched places within me. 
He knows that a flood is not sustaining, but that a "leaky hose" is exactly the mercy that I
need to survive in the desert of my circumstances.

Psalm 143
King James Version (KJV)

143 Hear my prayer, O Lord, give ear to my supplications: in thy faithfulness answer me, and in thy righteousness.

2 And enter not into judgment with thy servant: for in thy sight shall no man living be justified.

3 For the enemy hath persecuted my soul; he hath smitten my life down to the ground; he hath made me to dwell in darkness, as those that have been long dead.

4 Therefore is my spirit overwhelmed within me; my heart within me is desolate.

5 I remember the days of old; I meditate on all thy works; I muse on the work of thy hands.

6 I stretch forth my hands unto thee: my soul thirsteth after thee, as a thirsty land. 

7 Hear me speedily, O Lord: my spirit faileth: hide not thy face from me, lest I be like unto them that go down into the pit.

8 Cause me to hear thy lovingkindness in the morning; for in thee do I trust: cause me to know the way wherein I should walk; for I lift up my soul unto thee.

9 Deliver me, O Lord, from mine enemies: I flee unto thee to hide me.

10 Teach me to do thy will; for thou art my God: thy spirit is good; lead me into the land of uprightness.

11 Quicken me, O Lord, for thy name's sake: for thy righteousness' sake bring my soul out of trouble.

12 And of thy mercy cut off mine enemies, and destroy all them that afflict my soul: for I am thy servant.

Remain...

Written Dec 21, 2013 2:55am

"But each day the Lord pours his unfailing love upon me, and through each night I sing his songs, praying to God who gives me life." Psalm 42:8

On Monday, we quietly celebrated my husband's birthday, looked back on the past year's journey with exhaustion, and ahead to the next with circumspection. 

On Wednesday, we traveled back to the university hospital for a CT scan and a consult with the neurosurgeon. The doctor was extremely happy with the surgical outcome -  healing has been ideal, his brain stem is contained entirely above the patched foreman magnum, and the pressure of the cerebral spinal fluid in his brain is now normal. No longer does he experience daily migraines, which was the foremost hope in choosing to undergo brain surgery. He is continuing to recover from the surgery as far as stamina and strength, and in a few more months, he should be completely healed from the effects of the procedure.

Other issues remain, of course, as we continue to live with the diagnoses of my husband's additional long term heath conditions which are chronic with no cures. Activity induced migraines continue,and the neurologist has ordered a vascular study called an MRA (similar to an MRI). An ophthalmologist will be seen for some unresolved vision problems that did not improve with the brain surgery. Unrelated to the vision problems, another  diagnosis has been added involving the ocular area. The neurosurgeon has been watching this area for several months, and the CT scan just done shows it is probably not a condition that will progress. The doctor will continue to follow up by observing any changes that may occur, and another MRI will be done within the next year.

We are grateful for the success of the surgery, for the positive outlook, for the wonderful care of an amazingly talented and compassionate doctor and medical staff. God has blessed us with these gifts, and not one is taken for granted.

While I cannot speak for my husband, I know for myself, as his wife and his partner and his caretaker and his encourager and his confidante, this has been one of the most challenging years of my life. Because of it, I am beginning to understand exactly what trust means - trust is moving with God and relying on his view of my circumstances as being the clear view, even when my own may be distorted or limited. I can't say that I am the ideal student. Most definitely I continue to do my share of tear-filled, fist-clenching, lip-biting resisting. Certainly, I rely on the tough as well as the tender words of friends who encourage me to be strong or to be vulnerable and also help me to recognize which situations warrant which reaction. But, as I practice trust, I find that my faith grows stronger, too. 

George O. Wood said, “Faith is never dependent upon favorable circumstances.”  I believe he is right, for faith is believing and trusting and enduring and hoping... all of these things which are experiences that come about when life is not ideal, yet we are able to remain in God's presence, knowing he sees what is unseen to us and believing he is orchestrating a victorious outcome.

So, while I look at the next year with trepidation, it is tempered with trust, and because of that trust, I can move forward in faith. Psalms 139:9-10: says, "If I ride the wings of the morning, if I dwell by the farthest oceans, even there your hand will guide me, and your strength will support me". I cannot ask for a better assurance than that.

I have to often remind myself of God's promises - promises which will not be broken

-I am not alone, "For God has said,'I will never fail you. I will never abandon you.'” Hebrews 13:5b

-God sees and understands my pain."When Jesus saw her weeping... he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled." Luke 11:33  

-God will listen when I pour my heart out to him. "The Lord hears his people when they call to him for help." Psalm 34:17a

-God will hold me up when the way seems difficult, and at times, impossible. "When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. For I am the Lord, your God."  Isaiah 43:2-3a

-God knows intimately the concerns of my heart, and can provide all the peace, strength, and courage I need. "My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever."  Psalm 73:26

-I can take shelter in God's protective presence. and find peace for today, strength for tomorrow, and hope for the future. "God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble."  Psalm 46:1 

-God promises me his peace. I am safe and secure in his hands. "You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you!"  Isaiah 26:3 

May the presence of Christ be the peace within you this Christmas and always. 

The Center

Written Sep 24, 2013 1:18am

Today, my husband had his first follow-up appointment with the neurosurgeon. The stitches were removed and revealed an incision that has been healing quickly and beautifully over the past weeks. The doctor was very pleased with the progress that was evident and gave the release  to begin light activity - driving for short periods,pouring milk from a full carton, being up and about for longer stretches of time, etc. 

Three weeks ago as we were pulling into our hotel in Madison, exhausted and anxious about facing the surgery the next morning, it was difficult to imagine being at this point in our journey. Just like the picture of peace like a river that we were clinging to that day, we have encountered a few rocks in our path during the last few weeks. And also like the river, we did not get caught up in them. With the propelling strength of Christ's living water and with enveloping currents of love provided by family and friends, our lives have flowed around and through each obstacle. Our journey has been made more beautiful by the thoughts and prayers and kindnesses of those who have moved alongside of us.  

As I have considered the analogy that explains the concept of "peace like a river", I have been compelled to read more about the subject of rivers. One article explained that, "Rivers are essential.... Plants and animals grow and congregate around rivers simply because water is so essential to all life. It might seem that rivers happen to run through many cities in the world, but it is not that the rivers go through the city, rather that the city was built and grew up around the center of the river."  

I found many words used to describe a river - peaceful, active, cleansing, strong, gentle, confident, secure, tranquil, essential, and, to me, the most compelling - center. The river is described as the center of life. The river was the concept of peace that we cleaved to at the beginning of this journey, and now it is the center we have built and grown around. 

When I think of center, I think of Jesus. He is my river of life - my peaceful, active, cleansing, strong, gentle, confident, secure, tranquil, essential, center. 

The center verse of the Bible is Psalm 118:8, " It is better to trust in the Lord than to put confidence in man." 

In a book which I read daily called A Psalm in Your Heart, the author writes that the entire center chapter of the Bible is about moving forward into the most difficult situation we have ever faced. It is about not letting our circumstances alter our faith even when we are in a time of deep vulnerability. We might be deceived into thinking that we will never survive this, but instead, we can know that God will help us. He will be our strength and our song on this day, the very one we are living through at this moment, no matter how dark it may seem. 

Chapter 118 in Psalms ends with the words that can keep our hearts centered on the perspective of truth. "Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good;His love endures forever." Psalm 118:29

The lyrics of a song have been echoing in my head all day today:

Jesus at the center of it all 

From beginning to the end It will always be, it's always been you, Jesus...
Nothing else matters, nothing in this world will do...

Jesus you're the center, everything revolves around you...

Peace Like a River

Written Sep 3, 2013 4:32am

This morning at 7:30 am, my husband will be having brain surgery. Right now, he is sleeping peacefully in our hotel bed, lulled to sleep by the fan of the a/c and the mumbling of CNN reporters turned down low on the TV. 

I, however, am sitting on the room's sofa, finally still after a day that seemed anything but peaceful. 

As I had tried earlier that day to finish all of the tasks of packing, of preparing the kids for the first day of school, of making a long list for Grandma (with schedules, responsibilities, and structured routines that help this family of eight to function smoothly) - I was feeling vulnerable, weepy, overwhelmed, turbulent, exposed... anything but peaceful! I was busy listing my worries for God, just in case He was not aware of how His plans were disrupting mine: 

Why was the surgery scheduled for the first day of school? 

How was my daughter going to handle being in school for a full day? 

What if my son is overwhelmed by high school, and the people he encounters don't know that he has autism? What if he cries all day or gets lost? 

What if my son with Down syndrome won't eat or has a toileting accident? 

What if one of our other three boys has a football injury while we are gone? 

How is my mom, as amazing as she is, going to fill in for two very involved parents when there is only one of her? 

What if my husband's surgery doesn't go well? 

What if the hospital releases him before he is able to tolerate the drive home? 

On and on it went - Why? How? What?

Being in that mindset reminded me that as much as I want to be, I am not the one in control. Almost every aspect of my life reminds me of how desperately I need God to manage all of the details, because the the sheer totality of them is beyond what I can manage on my own.

I locked myself in the bedroom to pack undisturbed, and the tears began to flow. 

I told God, "I don't think I can do this!" I am pretty sure God was relieved that I finally held the burden out to Him as He thought,"Absolutely you cannot! But I can!!!" 

I had read a few weeks earlier that "Peace is submission to a Trustworthy Authority, not resignation from activity" 

As I began to surrender all of my feelings, a text came through from a friend with a song whose lyrics include, "There's a light in the darkness shining, there's a peace for the restless soul... Jesus." 

I texted back and revealed my struggle at that moment, and my friend responded with encouragement not to worry (Luke 12:22-32)

and with suggestions that I address my feelings of anxiety and stress with the truth:

I could handle everything with God's strength (Philippians 4:23),

God's assurances of love and protection can still my fear and lead me to trust Him. (Psalm 27:1),

and I could recognize that God has revealed Himself as Healer. (Exodus 15:26b). 

The night before, this same friend had come over and prayed for my husband in our living room, asking God that a river of peace flow over him.

Our friend did not know that my husband had been singing the phrases, "peace like a river attendeths my soul" and "I've got peace like a river in my soul" to himself whenever anxiety began to approach him. 

Our friend did not know that I had been reading a book that talked about the meaning of that phrase - peace like a river: "God chose a very unique word to describe His peace--a river! A river is not calm and void of activity. It is active and cleansing and confident of the direction it is headed in. A river doesn't get caught up with rocks in its path. it flows over and around them, all the while smoothing their jagged edges and allowing them to add to its beauty rather than take away from it. A river is a wonderful thing to behold."

Another quote explained, "To have peace like a river is to have security and tranquility while meeting the many bumps and unexpected turns on life's journey." 

So, as I am getting ready in less than an hour to accompany my husband to the hospital  where the staff will begin preparing him for brain surgery, I am focused on having peace like a river.

God's truth tells me that if I listen to Him and not to my own desperate thoughts, 

I will have peace flowing like a river (Isaiah 48:18). 

I have confidence that God has all of it under His care, faith that every detail of my family's day today will go according to His plan, and trust that His plan is always the best one even when I cannot see around the river's bend.