A Ballad of Perspective

Some days I feel too much, other days I feel nothing at all. My perspective has been dark lately, and peace likewise elusive. I read an article that explained, "the give-and-take between seeing the exquisite wonder of the world beside its bleakness, is a struggle." I think that's true. I know that a huge part of my struggle with depression is not being able to stay in balance - not being able to find the place where I feel just the right amount. People say to think positively, but I find it impossible to choose to only focus on the wonders of the world, when I know the bleakness of the world exists even if I consciously look away. And as difficult as it is to allow my heart to see that bleakness, I know that it's only when both of these perspectives are woven together, that my true destiny can be accomplished. Because I want to fulfill the purpose I was created for, I mindfully hope in the goodness that will one day arise from the bleak things in life. I focus my faith on the knowledge that resiliency is possible when wonder bravely stands alongside of that struggle for hope. And I remind myself that love does not give up in the midst of suffering. Even though I often find myself behind the bleak veil of depression, I intentionally seek to find a glimpse of wonder each day. On my darkest days I compel myself to look outward and fix my gaze on one miracle. One image I've focused on lately, is the marvel of a magnificent river. God's handiwork displayed in a river has captivated my attention over and over for the last few years. On this day, as I contemplated that image, my thoughts once again melded into words that flowed from my hand to a page - words that became, this time, a poem...

GLIMPSING WONDER

I walk upon a winding trail,

I dream upon a river's flow,

divided by an unseen wale,

'tween what I feel and what I know. 

Weary of the dusty road,

rough with unexpected stones,

weary of this cumbrous load,

weighing on my mind and bones.

The river tangent to the trees,

soothing with its dulcet roll,

sings a song upon the breeze,

beckoning my restless soul.

Weary of this pitted ground,

eroded from assailing trial,

weary of the onerous sound, 

of groaning with each wending mile.

The river cantillates refrains, 

of resonating rhapsody,

enchants, allures, and sustains, 

my dream from whole fugacity.

Weary of this wretched woe,

of never ending vicissitude,

weary of the ache and throe,

of continual solicitude.

The river captivates each sigh,

weaves symphonic undersong,

assays each sorrow drawing nigh,

sings its theory never wrong.

Weariness becomes lament,

weeping melancholy's tears,

the river bank is pain's decent, 

where suffering emerges clear.

I walk upon a winding trail,

I dream a gentle river slope,

mingling thoughts in staid grisaille,

with light to find prismatic hope.

- Lora Stonelake 3/2017

"This give-and-take between seeing the exquisite wonder of the world beside it's bleakness is a struggle."

  - Lori Chandler

"It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see."

  - Henry David Thoreau

"When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change."

  - Max Planck

"The nearer the dawn, the darker the night."

  - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow 

"Dreams... They lift us from the commonplace of life to better things."

  - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

"Now your attitudes and thoughts must all be constantly changing for the better."

  - Ephesians 4:23

“You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you!”

 - Isaiah 26:3

 “My soul yearns for you in the night, and in the morning my spirit searches and looks out for you” 

  - Isaiah 26:9

“You, Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light.”

 - Psalm 18:28

“Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning. I say to myself, 'The Lord is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him!'”

 - Lamentations 3:21-24

“Oh, that we might know the Lord! Let us press on to know him. He will respond to us as surely as the arrival of dawn or the coming of rains in early spring.”

  - Hosea 6:3

“Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance... Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely. Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love.”

  - 1 Corinthians 13:7, 12-13

"God chose a very unique word to describe His peace--a river! A river is not calm and void of activity. It is active and cleansing and confident of the direction it is headed in. A river doesn't get caught up with rocks in its path. it flows over and around them, all the while smoothing their jagged edges and allowing them to add to its beauty rather than take away from it. A river is a wonderful thing to behold... To have peace like a river is to have security and tranquility while meeting the many bumps and unexpected turns on life's journey."

  - Lysa TerKeurst

"I will have peace flowing like a river."

  - Isaiah 48:18

"A river brings joy to the city of our God, the sacred home of the Most High. God dwells in that city; it cannot be destroyed. From the very break of day, God will protect it." 

  - Psalms 46:4-5

The Blessing of Burden

On Christmas Eve, our church usually holds two service times. This year our family chose to go to the later session, a bilingual service where the Spanish speaking and English speaking congregations of our church (which typically meet separately) came together to celebrate Christmas with traditional carols (switching between languages at each verse), relevant scripture and sharing of personal experiences (translated into both languages), and a concluding prayer time accompanied by a candle lighting ceremony involving each person present. One of my favorite Christmas hymns, Oh Holy Night, was among the carols that had been chosen for this service. It's a magnificently powerful song describing the wonder of the moment that Jesus Christ was born into this dark, oppressive world. To me, the most significant lines are the ones that describe the awe and the hope that Jesus brings to us - an awe that brings us to our knees and a hope that is possible to recognize and hang onto, even when complete weariness and impending doom seem to be upon us:

A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices for yonder breaks a new and glorious morn

Fall on your knees, O hear the angel's voices

O night divine, O night when Christ was born 

(Oh Holy Night, lyrics by: Placide Clappeau)

Another part of the service that stood out to me happened very unobtrusively during the children's sermon time. As I listened to the story being read, I noticed one of the Hispanic ministers, Pastor Loles, resting on a chair towards the back of the stage. I watched her rub her hand wearily over her round belly, stretched with the miracle of her first child living within her. A faint smile was on her face, her cheeks rosy with the heat of the stage lights. I observed her deliberately take some extra-deep breaths, and suddenly my own chest felt taut with the memories of a growing baby nestled under my ribs, competing with my lungs for room to move. As always happens at Christmas time when I regard a heavily pregnant mother, my mind wandered to thoughts of Mary carrying the precious life of the Baby Jesus within her that very first Christmas night. Without fail, my thoughts of Mary are consistently intermingled with both compassion and wonder. What an immense burden for her to be carrying in such extremely difficult circumstances... but at the same time, what a privilege she was blessed with to be sharing her own life with the life of God himself! On this Christmas Eve night the thought in my mind was this - Mary's burden was also her blessing.

MARY'S BURDEN WAS ALSO HER BLESSING!

A burden by definition is a heavy load, or something which causes hardship or distress. It's connotation is a negative one, rather than a desirable one. 

How many times in my life have I wanted to refuse a burden held out to me? How many times have I railed at God for putting an unasked for burden upon me? How many times have I felt as if I could not take one more step forward because the heaviness of a burden is more weight on my shoulders than it seems I can possibly bear? 

This past year and a half, I have struggled with the burden of depression. It is unlike any other burden I have ever encountered. It is one I have seen others carry, and one that I had told myself I never wanted to experience. I wasn't prepared for how it would slowly creep up on me... how one day I would look around and find that everything in my life seemed to shrouded by it. 

Familylife.com describes living with depression as this. "Your world is dark, heavy, and painful... depression seems to go to your very soul, affecting everything in its path." The website also states that the burden of depression affects 25% of the population. It's amazing to think that a burden that deceives me into feeling completely alone is the same burden that is experienced by over a billion other people in the world. 

For me, the perplexing thing in my struggle has been that at some point early on, I began to recognize the veil that covered me for what it was - depression. I can see it's there. I'm aware of its deception, of its intent to destroy. Yet, I continue to flounder in the presence of it in my life. I have watched in despair as some of my relationships have been strangled by the veil, and somehow I have not been able to reach beyond it to sustain them in a healthy way or, with more than a few people, to sustain them at all. Some people and situations that were once so important in my life have been lost to me, either faded away or ripped away, both experiences very painful and disorienting. Even my environment has been affected by the veil, plunging myself and those close to me into chaos and disorder and conditions that only serve to make the burden heavier, the veil more opaque.

This Christmas Eve as I considered the blessing of the burden carried by Mary, I thought about my burden and the possibility of it having potential to be paradoxically transformed into blessing. Was the terrifying situation which Mary found herself in, in any way comparable to the thorn of depression in my life?

In contrast to a burden, a blessing is a positive label - one defined as God's favor and protection, something prayed for, something for which we are grateful, something that brings well-being, or another person's support. When I think about the smothering presence of depression, it's very difficult to feel that the presence God's favor and protection can rest on me at the same time as a burden that seems so heavy and wearying. But even though my heart feels defeat, my head knows well a Bible scripture that I have read over and over, and at times I find myself holding onto it like a flotation device in the middle of a stormy sea.

“Jesus said, 'Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.'"

Matthew 11:28-30 NLT

Another version of the Bible says, "Learn the unforced rhythms of grace." MSG

I am weary - there is no doubt - and the burden of depression is heavy. Jesus calls to me as I struggle, and because I do know his voice, I recognize it - even through my depressive veil. I know he calls to me with no judgement, no expectation, no "to do" list, no disapproval, no annoyance, no anger, no disappointment, no hidden motives. He calls me with an attitude of grace that I do not deserve, and he desires to honor me with his presence. But even though I know in my head he has already chosen me to be close to him, even though I know in my head that my life has great value to him just as I am - still in my heart I struggle with the weight of the world, and with the opinions and actions of the imperfect people in it. Feelings of rejection and inadequacy in the face of exclusion and judgement are hard to live with and yet, for some reason, they are also hard feelings to give up. Feelings of fear and helplessness relayed by news of incomprehensible violence and unimaginable cruelty are hard to lay down. Feelings of loneliness and disconnection even when I am with those closest to me are hard to look past despite the fact that I know my emotions are not always accurate indicators of the truth.

As I grappled last night once again with the choice of putting down the burdens I have picked up under my own free will, and instead holding to myself the promises that I know are true ( because I know that what God has promised is always true, despite how I feel ), some lyrics from the song Breath of Heaven, also known as simply Mary's Song, came to mind:

"I have travelled many moonless nights


Cold and weary, with a babe inside


And I wonder what I've done


Holy Father, you have come


And chosen me now
 to carry your son

I am waiting in a silent prayer


I am frightened by the load I bear


In a world as cold as stone,


Must I walk this path alone?


Be with me now
, Be with me now

Breath of heaven


Hold me together


Be forever near me


Breath of heaven




Breath of heaven


Lighten my darkness


Pour over me your holiness


For you are holy"

(Breath Of Heaven, lyrics by: Amy Grant)

Like this song portrays, I think that Mary was probably filled with feelings of doubt concerning her situation, with fear and dismay over her circumstances, with loneliness in the face of others judging and rejecting her... but I also think that Mary's faith in God and what he had promised was stronger than her desperation. The author of the song's lyrics explains, "It is a prayer that fits a lot of people's circumstances, because it is a cry for mercy." 

I am laying here now, on this early Christmas morning, glancing out the window at the grayness of the December sky. I cry for God to have mercy for me in my circumstances, to hold me together during the many times today that I'm sure to feel like falling apart for a number of reasons or for not any reason at all. And as my heart reaches out to my Savior, my head recognizes the blessing in the burden I'm carrying. The blessing comes with bringing the burden to Jesus, in exchanging it in his presence for the simplicity of being loved by him, in looking away from despair towards hope, and in the faithful expectation of waiting for the day when the veil of depression is torn forever. 

"Breath of heaven

Lighten my darkness

Pour over me your holiness

For you are holy"

"The people who walk in darkness will see a great light. For those who live in a land of deep darkness, a light will shine....For a child is born to us, a son is given to us. The government will rest on his shoulders. And he will be called: Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace."

Isaiah 9:2-6 NLT