Remnants of Hope

It's the middle of the night... or, the wee hours of the morning, depending on your perspective, I guess. I am frowning at a note I wrote in reponse to Anne Frank's musings about seven months ago...

“I can shake off everything as I write; my sorrows disappear, my courage is reborn.” ― Anne Frank 

Okay Anne Frank, I am taking your advice once again... sitting here in the dark sorting out my thoughts with my fingers on a back-lit keyboard. The seven other people whom reside in this house are asleep, leaving me to conversations in my mind with names that appear in my overcrowded AOL inbox, across my neverending Facebook feed, inside the e-books of my Kindle app, and between the random observations tweeting through the home page of my Twitter account.

I am thinking about what I would like to tell God - that I am tired of enduring, of waiting, of trusting. I would like to tell Him that I am doing everything that I have found in my path, and that I am ready to move to the next part of life, because being in this part for one more day cannot possibly accomplish anything more than it already has. I would like to ask Him what it is that I am doing wrong, so that I can get it right and come to the end of this waiting...

Seven months later, I am still here, weary... still tired of the enduring... way over the waiting... and in a neverending struggle with the trusting. If I were not forced to be here by my circumstances, would I stay here in this place that feels somewhat like suspended animation? Would I endure if I had a simple option not to? Would I wait if there were a "rush delivery" available to fix all of my problems? Am I actually even trusting like I think I am supposed to? When people say things like, "I don't know how you do it," my inner voice replies, "Do I even know how?", because I really do not think that I do. I think perhaps that God keeps me here in this place in my life, and that He may be the one doing the enduring... patiently waiting for me to finally learn the lessons He has for me, to somehow grasp the wisdom He offers. Maybe He is graciously allowing me to develop the strength and self control to make the choices on my own to trust and endure and to wait for the good things, even if suddenly I were faced with deceptively lovely options that would lead me down a different path than the one He knows is the best for me. Maybe, just maybe, what might appear to me as being restrained by my circumstances from progressing forward is actually the reality of me being held in the arms of God my Father to protect me from a world that I am not yet ready for.

As my mind wanders over these complicated thoughts tangled throughout my drowsy head, I think of another quote I recently read...

“Events may be horrible or inescapable, but people have always a choice - if not whether, then how, they may endure.”
― Lois McMaster Bujold

And perhaps Lois is right. It is true that I may not be choosing to endure at this point in my life, I may simply be enduring because a bit like the way the apostle Paul was physically imprisoned, God has not allowed me an escape from this emotional confinement. Even Paul from his prison cell said that always we have the choice of how to endure. Life and marriage and really, any relationship is about a constant adjusting and adapting of our attitudes and our perspectives of the things we find ourselves either in the midst of, or even just touched by the edge of.  

"Now your attitudes and thoughts must all be constantly changing for the better."
-Ephesians 4:23

I have spent the last six months trying to hang on to the hope we had been living with after my husband's surgery in the six months prior to those. I have spent the last ten weeks looking at the remnants of that hope as he left behind one treatment and moved towards something new.Yesterday, we held that new hope in our hands, afraid almost to see it, tentative in trusting that the something better that is to come could possibly be here. Yet, I do hope... because I am confident that no matter my lability of attitude and no matter my struggle to always comprehend the process, my God is always perfect and always loving and always kind. Because of that confidence in His goodness, I can hope for good things, even not knowing with certainty when or how they will come. 

"Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see."-Hebrews 11:1

"So be truly glad! There is wonderful joy ahead, even though it is necessary for you to endure many trials for a while. These trials are only to test your faith, to show that it is strong and pure. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold -- and your faith is far more precious to God than mere gold. So if your faith remains strong after being tried by fiery trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world. You love him even though you have never seen him. Though you do not see him, you trust him; and even now you are happy with a glorious, inexpressible joy."
-1 Peter 1:6-8

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good. 

I invite you to hope along with us.

Beauty in the Broken

A broken tree does not heal. It's true - a tree does not replace wounded or broken fibers with new wood. Instead, the tree permits the broken part to die and the tree moves on, growing around the wound. The tree allows its wound to simply scar over and exist, like a flaw that is present but no longer acknowledged as actively significant.1

"All this pain

I wonder if I’ll ever find my way

I wonder if my life could really change at all.

All this earth

Could all that is lost ever be found

Could a garden come up from this ground at all"2

One year ago yesterday, my husband was undergoing brain surgery. I can look back in my heart and remember I was afraid. I can look back in my mind and remember I was hopeful. Most importantly, I can look at today and know that even though the road from that experience has been difficult, has been dark, has been depressing - I can look at today and know that today is the one that matters.

Once a tree is injured, the wound will eventually become encased in a "knot", and new growth will simply begin on the perimeter of the wound where the healthy tree tissue is situated. Wounded trees can be freely observed most anywhere here in Northern Wisconsin.1 The "knot" of the wound is just a part of the tree. A tree steadily continues growing around its wound and moves on from it over a period of time.

A tree steadily continues growing 

around its wound and moves on from it over a period of time.

I look at my husband today, and I can see the faint scar that has formed over the four inch surgical incision that was made on the day of his brain surgery a year ago. I know that underneath, the physical malformation is still present. I know that a highly skilled and trustworthy surgeon applied a patch to passively prevent the anatomical defect from causing further damage as life goes on.

The knot in the tree is not a healed wound. It is a flaw, an imperfection, a part of the tree which essentially is not active - a scar. Yet, if the tree was able to recover properly with good support, whether natural or facilitated by a human, the existence of the knot will not cause more harm to the tree.1 

Sometimes wounds occur accidentally to a tree, but there are also times when a tree is cut intentionally, or pruned. The pruning is done for the purpose of health or for artistry. According to the Washington State University Extension, pruning of fruit trees is important to establish a firm structure, and to provide light channels throughout the tree so that the tree's fruit can mature well. It is important that a knowledgeable arborist does the pruning because improper cuts are potentially life-ending to a tree, while the correct ones will ensure the best access to sunlight so that an optimum harvest of fruit will result.3

The pruning is done for a purpose.

I see my husband in my memory of that day a year ago, in the hospital neurosurgery ICU - struggling to sit up, struggling to keep the world from spinning, struggling to tolerate the piercing invasive pain that had been inflicted with his own permission. What I remember most clearly, though, is the hope. The hope that sparked through the struggle, as we recognized a return of different physical aspects back to normal that had been suppressed by the compression of his brainstem for quite some time prior to the surgery. The hope that life was about to grow upward once again.

An arborist knows when and how and where to make pruning cuts on limbs, so that the tree has the best potential to close them with its natural defenses, and so that growth can continue beyond the wound, in the direction which the arborist deems best. Sometimes, however, the ensuing direction is unexpected, perhaps because the wound being cared for is not the only wound present1, or sometimes perhaps because the arborist is actually a designer... a visionary who sees the bigger picture... a creator who sees beauty in unusual places.

"You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust

You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of us"3

God is an arborist - a tree gardener, a planter, a grower, a caretaker. He sows and waters and feeds and prunes. He creates, protects, shapes, and transforms. He invites us to gaze at His majestic work with wonder and praise and quiet awe. His vocation is poetic and authoritative and precise. He creates beauty in paradox, nurturing our souls to grow by finding freedom through the very act of becoming captive to His desires, shaping our spirits to be uplifted higher than we could ever fathom simply by bowing down before Him, renewing our lives and our perspectives even as we allow our selfishness to die in recognition of the perfect authority of His plans.

I see in my mind my husband's view a year ago. A view colored by the beginnings of hope, colored by the perspective that life would be moving on in a sensible and predictable direction, colored by a limited understanding that failed to see that everything will be alright even when it's not all right. And suddenly, I know that what I am seeing in my memory of his outlook is actually a reflection of my own finite vision.

“This is what the Sovereign Lord says: 

I myself will take a shoot from the very top of a cedar and plant it; 

I will break off a tender sprig from its topmost shoots 

and plant it on a high and lofty mountain. 

On the mountain heights of Israel I will plant it; 

it will produce branches and bear fruit and become a splendid cedar. 

Birds of every kind will nest in it; 

they will find shelter in the shade of its branches. 

All the trees of the forest will know that 

I the Lord bring down the tall tree and make the low tree grow tall. 

I dry up the green tree and make the dry tree flourish. 

I the Lord have spoken, and I will do it.” 

(Ezekiel 17:22-24 NIV)

I don't know why God chooses to move our lives in directions that seem long and shadowy and wearying. I don't know why this is the place we have journeyed to in pursuit of His plan and His wisdom and His care. It is not a place I have ever envisioned or would have chosen on my own... but I do know that sovereign means God has supreme authority. I do know that His compassion and goodness are never-ending. I do know that nothing in the universe happens that is outside of His influence.

"All around

Hope is springing up from this old ground

Out of chaos 

life is being found in You"3

I can look at today and know that this is the day that matters. Our knots may help shape us. Our knots may be a portion of who we have become. They may remind us of what we have been through and may have influence over where we are going. But our knots do not define us. What defines us is decided by the One who defines us... the One who created us... the One who tends to our wounds and covers them with a part of Himself... the One who sees the beauty and the value of our knots and who makes good grow out from all around them. The One who sees the individual tree and also sees its place in the greater forest.

"You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of the dust

You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of us"3

"But I am like an olive tree flourishing in the house of God; 

I trust in God’s unfailing love forever and ever. 

For what you have done 

I will always praise you in the presence of your faithful people. 

And I will hope in your name, for your name is good."

(Psalm 52:8-9 NIV)

I am like a tree fluorishing...

I trust in His love...

His love never fails...

I praise Him for all He has done...

I hope in His name...

for His name is GOOD.

1 Stringer, Larry A., and Jim R. LaBerge. "We Know Trees." How Do Trees Heal?Golden Rule Tree Service, 2012. Web. 04 Sept. 2014.

2 Gary, Moulton, and King Jacky. "Pruning Tree Fruit – The Basics." Pruning Tree Fruit. WSU Mount Vernon Research & Extension Unit, n.d. Web. 04 Sept. 2014.

3 Gungor. Beautiful Things. Brash Music, 2010. MP3.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OR7VOKQ0xJY

The Center

Written Sep 24, 2013 1:18am

Today, my husband had his first follow-up appointment with the neurosurgeon. The stitches were removed and revealed an incision that has been healing quickly and beautifully over the past weeks. The doctor was very pleased with the progress that was evident and gave the release  to begin light activity - driving for short periods,pouring milk from a full carton, being up and about for longer stretches of time, etc. 

Three weeks ago as we were pulling into our hotel in Madison, exhausted and anxious about facing the surgery the next morning, it was difficult to imagine being at this point in our journey. Just like the picture of peace like a river that we were clinging to that day, we have encountered a few rocks in our path during the last few weeks. And also like the river, we did not get caught up in them. With the propelling strength of Christ's living water and with enveloping currents of love provided by family and friends, our lives have flowed around and through each obstacle. Our journey has been made more beautiful by the thoughts and prayers and kindnesses of those who have moved alongside of us.  

As I have considered the analogy that explains the concept of "peace like a river", I have been compelled to read more about the subject of rivers. One article explained that, "Rivers are essential.... Plants and animals grow and congregate around rivers simply because water is so essential to all life. It might seem that rivers happen to run through many cities in the world, but it is not that the rivers go through the city, rather that the city was built and grew up around the center of the river."  

I found many words used to describe a river - peaceful, active, cleansing, strong, gentle, confident, secure, tranquil, essential, and, to me, the most compelling - center. The river is described as the center of life. The river was the concept of peace that we cleaved to at the beginning of this journey, and now it is the center we have built and grown around. 

When I think of center, I think of Jesus. He is my river of life - my peaceful, active, cleansing, strong, gentle, confident, secure, tranquil, essential, center. 

The center verse of the Bible is Psalm 118:8, " It is better to trust in the Lord than to put confidence in man." 

In a book which I read daily called A Psalm in Your Heart, the author writes that the entire center chapter of the Bible is about moving forward into the most difficult situation we have ever faced. It is about not letting our circumstances alter our faith even when we are in a time of deep vulnerability. We might be deceived into thinking that we will never survive this, but instead, we can know that God will help us. He will be our strength and our song on this day, the very one we are living through at this moment, no matter how dark it may seem. 

Chapter 118 in Psalms ends with the words that can keep our hearts centered on the perspective of truth. "Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good;His love endures forever." Psalm 118:29

The lyrics of a song have been echoing in my head all day today:

Jesus at the center of it all 

From beginning to the end It will always be, it's always been you, Jesus...
Nothing else matters, nothing in this world will do...

Jesus you're the center, everything revolves around you...

A Place of Peace and Joy

Written Sep 15, 2013 8:43am

"How is your husband doing?"

I have been asked this question many many times this week - it has been, for us, a testament to how many people care about and are praying for us. God has blessed us with an amazing amount of love and support during this time.

I apologize if my answer to those of you who have asked has been simple and brief. As a person whose energy level is inversely proportional to the number of words I speak each day, I acknowledge that I have not exactly been a verbal fountain of descriptive information. My energy credits are daily going towards caring for my husband, mothering my children, working with my students, and communicating with my God. Please know that we appreciate so very much all of the caring thoughts and sincere prayers and words of encouragement and kind gifts we have received. Each one of you is a part of our journey, helping us to move forward down this long road.

So here is the update:  Everything is going well, it really is. Post surgery healing is quite uneventful, which is ideal, but does not leave much information to report. It's kind of like when you have a new baby - they don't do a whole lot other than eat, poop, and sleep. If they do these three things, life is happy - if one thing gets out of whack, life is a bit stormy. I am happy to report that all three boxes have a check mark here at Rehab Central! Activity level is extremely limited and  stamina is low. A generous number of medications  help control discomfort and symptoms. Twelve short walks are required around the house or yard each day, and finding the right balance of how much to do during each active period  has been challenging, but we are accomplishing this goal nearly every day. I have been providing protein to keep things healing, fiber to keep things moving, and carbs to keep energy for walking. The little kids have been great about being sent off to various places for respite care quite often so that the house remains quieter during these initial weeks. The big kids have taken on some extra responsibilities to help me out whenever I have needed them to. Each kid takes turns sitting with their dad when he is awake, keeping him connected with their school lives and various activities, and distracting him when being tired and sick gets a little boring... but I have to point out, when someone is recovering from brain surgery, boring is ideal!

Sometimes, as a wife who is also a nurse, the thoughts of possible complications that could occur can make me a little anxious... okay, more like a lot! In response to these musings, I try to deliberately stop and thank God for the boring days and uneventful details of my husband's recovery. I try not to worry about what could happen, and instead focus on what is happening. I try to contemplate the many, many little ways that God has shown Himself throughout these last couple of months. I try to spend time thanking God for the number of my prayers He has answered with exactly the answer I was looking for, and also for the times He has answered with a response that I'd never have imagined, but makes perfect sense in hindsight. 

What I know for sure is that God has asked us to look to Him first. Before we consider any other thought or idea, we need to consider Him. By communicating with Him daily, by always acknowledging His presence in our lives, by trusting Him to perfectly control all of our circumstances - all of these things are a part of the process of seeking God first. When we stand with God, His character reflects onto us, and we experience the power of His influence on our reactions and on our attitudes. For me, being able to trade my naturally flawed inclination towards negativity and emotional ups and downs for the presence of God's positive and unchanging attitude - that is an amazing and supernatural influence that brings me to a place of peace and joy that I could never find on my own. It is a place I crave to be and will daily seek to find.

"Our hearts are in the things to which we devote ourselves, the things we spend our time pursuing... Every day another 24 hours or 1,440 minutes or 86,400 seconds is credited to our account, and we have to spend them. Whether we are a billionaire or a dirt farmer, except for those who die that day, we all have the same amount of time... how we spend it shows where our heart is." - John W. Ritenbaugh

"Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? ...if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, He will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith? ...your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and He will give you everything you need. So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today."
- Matthew 6:27,30, 32b-34

Peace Like a River

Written Sep 3, 2013 4:32am

This morning at 7:30 am, my husband will be having brain surgery. Right now, he is sleeping peacefully in our hotel bed, lulled to sleep by the fan of the a/c and the mumbling of CNN reporters turned down low on the TV. 

I, however, am sitting on the room's sofa, finally still after a day that seemed anything but peaceful. 

As I had tried earlier that day to finish all of the tasks of packing, of preparing the kids for the first day of school, of making a long list for Grandma (with schedules, responsibilities, and structured routines that help this family of eight to function smoothly) - I was feeling vulnerable, weepy, overwhelmed, turbulent, exposed... anything but peaceful! I was busy listing my worries for God, just in case He was not aware of how His plans were disrupting mine: 

Why was the surgery scheduled for the first day of school? 

How was my daughter going to handle being in school for a full day? 

What if my son is overwhelmed by high school, and the people he encounters don't know that he has autism? What if he cries all day or gets lost? 

What if my son with Down syndrome won't eat or has a toileting accident? 

What if one of our other three boys has a football injury while we are gone? 

How is my mom, as amazing as she is, going to fill in for two very involved parents when there is only one of her? 

What if my husband's surgery doesn't go well? 

What if the hospital releases him before he is able to tolerate the drive home? 

On and on it went - Why? How? What?

Being in that mindset reminded me that as much as I want to be, I am not the one in control. Almost every aspect of my life reminds me of how desperately I need God to manage all of the details, because the the sheer totality of them is beyond what I can manage on my own.

I locked myself in the bedroom to pack undisturbed, and the tears began to flow. 

I told God, "I don't think I can do this!" I am pretty sure God was relieved that I finally held the burden out to Him as He thought,"Absolutely you cannot! But I can!!!" 

I had read a few weeks earlier that "Peace is submission to a Trustworthy Authority, not resignation from activity" 

As I began to surrender all of my feelings, a text came through from a friend with a song whose lyrics include, "There's a light in the darkness shining, there's a peace for the restless soul... Jesus." 

I texted back and revealed my struggle at that moment, and my friend responded with encouragement not to worry (Luke 12:22-32)

and with suggestions that I address my feelings of anxiety and stress with the truth:

I could handle everything with God's strength (Philippians 4:23),

God's assurances of love and protection can still my fear and lead me to trust Him. (Psalm 27:1),

and I could recognize that God has revealed Himself as Healer. (Exodus 15:26b). 

The night before, this same friend had come over and prayed for my husband in our living room, asking God that a river of peace flow over him.

Our friend did not know that my husband had been singing the phrases, "peace like a river attendeths my soul" and "I've got peace like a river in my soul" to himself whenever anxiety began to approach him. 

Our friend did not know that I had been reading a book that talked about the meaning of that phrase - peace like a river: "God chose a very unique word to describe His peace--a river! A river is not calm and void of activity. It is active and cleansing and confident of the direction it is headed in. A river doesn't get caught up with rocks in its path. it flows over and around them, all the while smoothing their jagged edges and allowing them to add to its beauty rather than take away from it. A river is a wonderful thing to behold."

Another quote explained, "To have peace like a river is to have security and tranquility while meeting the many bumps and unexpected turns on life's journey." 

So, as I am getting ready in less than an hour to accompany my husband to the hospital  where the staff will begin preparing him for brain surgery, I am focused on having peace like a river.

God's truth tells me that if I listen to Him and not to my own desperate thoughts, 

I will have peace flowing like a river (Isaiah 48:18). 

I have confidence that God has all of it under His care, faith that every detail of my family's day today will go according to His plan, and trust that His plan is always the best one even when I cannot see around the river's bend.