Waiting for Christmas

I am snuggled up to a heating pad in the living room, soothing my achy hipbone which is bruised from a fall on the ice three weeks ago. Our Christmas tree is lit up with its oversized bulbs softly glowing, each branch heavy with homemade treasures and cartoonish themed store-bought ornaments placed haphazardly by the kids last week. They were thrilled this fun tree was given the place of honor between the dining and living rooms. Usually, that space is occupied by this Mama’s fancy tree hung with white miniature lights and dressed in beautifully crocheted ornaments accented with glass blown icicles. Most often, the fun tree has been confined to the family room. But this year, the fun tree is the centerpiece of our indoor Christmas decorating. We also have an imitation “elf on the shelf” who hangs out in our bathroom (so that she doesn’t become lost or forgotten in the chaos of a house where six children reside). Our stockings are hung from cup hooks in the kitchen (with care… of course, with care!) and a three and half foot stuffed Santa is gracing our family room couch at the moment because my goofy kid-hearted husband thinks it’s “cool” (which it is... in a cheezy North Pole kind of way!)

I feel completely at peace about our haphazard decor this year… an interesting perspective when I consider the untouched tower of bins in the corner of our garage holding a beautiful nutcracker collection, a wooden advent calendar, antique Christmas dishes, a precious carved nativity set, Christmas themed picture books, framed photos of holidays past, and an entire Christmas village. These, and a few other family Christmas heirlooms have been collected over our twenty plus years of marriage. Traditionally, after eleven months of waiting each year, we bring these Christmas items out to replace our everyday home decor which, in turn is packed up in the empty bins for the holiday month. Usually, it doesn't seem like Christmas until the house is prepared, but this year, it just was not a feat that we could accomplish. And it’s okay! Because like I wrote in my last post, I am learning this year, for maybe truly the first time ever, what it means to prepare my heart for Christmas.

In years past, I didn’t think a whole lot about Christmas during the eleven months between one December and the next (other than buying an occasional gift on clearance and throwing it in the back of the closet). December would come, the decorations would go up, and I would attempt to focus my thoughts on the birth of Jesus, and what that meant for me. There were definitely moments where I connected with the emotion of the story - like the year I was nine months pregnant with my son, whose due date was two weeks after Christmas. That year, I identified with the heavy weariness of Mary… I felt significant compassion for this young girl 2000 years earlier who was required to travel so far under such barbaric conditions - cold and wracked with labor pains, no place to lay down and rest - let alone to birth a baby! But the empathy of that moment or other fleeting ones similar, did not really fill the longing in my heart for a total awareness and understanding of the meaning of Christmas as the celebration came and went each year. I mean, I knew why we were celebrating Christmas. I knew we were honoring the birth of Jesus. I knew we were showing gratitude to the Father for the gift of the Son. I knew that part of the celebration was reflected in the activities we chose to involve ourselves in such as giving to charities or participating in church events. However, the connection I experienced with the meaning was temporary, fleeting - not even close to the confluence of the event with its personal relevance to me that I somehow knew could exist.

But this year, this year! This year I believe I have discovered what I have been yearning for every Christmas for as long as I can remember. What I have come to understand is that Christmas is about the preparation of my heart that requires more than the hour of the Christmas Eve Service, more than the month of December when the world dictates we focus on Christmas. Christmas is about the process of preparing my heart for Christ that occurs the whole year through. It is about the relationship I am building with Jesus my whole life through!

I have spent the last year in relationship with Jesus in a way I have never experienced before. I have explored my Bible daily at the least, more often even several times throughout a day, searching the words that have come from my God, listening for the ones which are speaking to my heart at that moment, choosing ones to use in my prayers as I have grasped on to God's promises and direction. As I have meditated on His words, I have spoken or written my own back to Him- questioning Him, thanking Him, appealing to Him, praising Him, and even pouring out my anger, disappointment, or despair to Him. Rarely has an hour gone by that I have not found myself commenting to God. Rarely has a week gone by that I have not found myself either crying to God or sharing the good things in my life with Him. And I have not limited the subject of our conversations to myself, but have also spent time bringing my husband, my family, my friends, my acquaintances, and even strangers whose circumstances take my notice - all of these I have brought to God in prayer.

God has revealed so much more of Himself to me during this year, than I have ever experienced of Him before. He has been patient with my hesitency to always trust Him. He has been forgiving of my stubborn attempts to override Him when I ignorantly wanted my own way. He has comforted me in so many different ways when all I could do was cry. God has been everything to me this year that I have needed, every time that I have been willing to allow Him to be.

Most significant of all, is what God has done for me this past year by allowing me to remain in a season of waiting... even when I didn't want to wait (which I am ashamed to say has been the case more often then not). After an entire year spent in this time of waiting, what I am finally just beginning to discover is that the waiting is a gift! God has opened my eyes, and I now can see that it is in the waiting time that He prepares me for what is coming next! Because I have invested so much time during this past year in my relationship with Him, I have learned, repetitively, that I need to consciously surrender to Him my need for control, and to trust Him to prepare me in His best possible way for what is ahead. I see that when I am more often able to come to that place of surrender, I can more often choose to wait with hope and with expectancy, with grace and with a good attitude, with patience and with faith. This is how I prepare my heart for Christmas!

In the book The Blessed Woman, the author refers to the story of Rebekah in the Old Testament, specifically to Rebekah's attitude in waiting…“In the meantime, she would meet the need at hand. She’d take the opportunity the Lord had given her.” I want very much to have that attitude of waiting that Rebekah had.  

All year, I have consciously moved closer to Jesus. During this time He has shown me opportunity after opportunity in the waiting time to serve other people, to pray for other people, to listen to other people. He has shown me that as I prepare my heart to receive Him, He prepares my heart to follow Him. This Christmas, I believe I finally understand that celebrating the birth of Jesus is about the anticipation. 

For Mary and Joseph, it was about the anticipation of the details surrounding the actual birth. 

For the shepherds, it was about the anticipation of seeing with their own eyes the miraculous news which the magnificent angel had shared with them. 

For the wisemen, it was about the anticipation of the destination the star was leading them to and the possibility of worshipping this King whom the prophets for hundreds of years had written was coming. 

For me, celebrating the birth of Jesus is about the anicipation of what God will do next in my life. 

I am now, more than ever, aware of and amazed at all of the miracles that came together surrounding the birth of Jesus on that first Christmas night. Because of this last year of intentionally trying to remain in a consistently close relationship with Him, I am now more aware that His birth as a human on the first Christmas, is precisely the miracle that allows Him to relate to exactly who I am today - everything I feel, everything I fear, everything I desire - nothing is hidden or below His understanding of me. The life of Jesus born human at Christmas is the most amazing gift God could have ever blessed me with because His gift of life is what has saved my life. His gift of life has made me realize the value of my life. His gift of life has allowed me to wait in anticipation for what He will do next, and to know with everything I am, that whatever He is planning, I can trust that it will occur in His perfect timing for me.

This Christmas and throughout this next year, I will wait with God in anticipation for what is ahead. Even though I know that the waiting time is sometimes difficult and at times, even painful, I also know the joy that comes with being near to God. Waiting with God in anticipation of the best things that lay beyond the challenging things... that is the meaning of Christmas!

Until Then, Choose Gratitude

When a gardener plants a flower bulb, she has a vision in mind of the promise of the bloom that will in time grow from that seed. The gardener understands that there is a season for a bulb to remain buried in the dirt, protected from the ice and the wind and the cold while remaining blind to the sun and its light. 

I have been thinking considerably about what it means to be grateful. What I am coming to believe is that gratitude is a concept that encompasses so much more than saying “I'm thankful”. Gratitude is truly valuing the experience, the person, the action, the object - truly valuing the intentions God has for bringing a circumstance into my life. For me, my response to a circumstance affects my ability to find that value. When I respond to a circumstance by choosing to trust God's intention is good, I am showing that I find value in his faithfulness. Attaching that value to a circumstance allows me to have a grateful attitude even when what God has brought me to does not appear to be overtly desirable in my limited perspective.

Gratitude is truly valuing the intentions God 
has for bringing a circumstance into my life.

The gardener knows that eventually, after a time of waiting, there comes a season for the bulb to release the bud, for the bud to break out of the shell that has protected it for a time, and for the shell to become a part of the root system that supports new growth. There comes a season when the nourishment of light from the sun and of moisture from the rain is necessary to the life of the tender young plant. In each of these seasons and with each of these processes, these elements are unpredictable and uncontrolled by the gardener. She must trust that the season appointed for the miracle of the flower blooming is ideal for its growth, despite a dependency on factors not foreseeable at the time of the planting. 

It seems like I am forever balancing on a seesaw of emotion. Wonderful news, heartbreaking news, amazing news, desperate news. At times, I feel weak as I watch the fray of the strings I’ve attached to the circumstances which I find acceptable or comfortable. In my self-centered way, I long to keep life safe, peaceful, controllable. However, in my weakness, I realize that my mere human point of view is limited and incomplete. 

Each day, the gardener tends to the flower, supplementing it with water and with fertilizer as needed in order to support survival and ultimately, the blooming of the plant. One day, after seasons of patient waiting, after days of careful tending, and after faithful persevering through unpredictable weather, the beautiful bloom of the flower appears in all of its magnificent glory.

I know in my heart, if I choose to walk away from the difficult things, if I choose to to walk away from the waiting times - then I am choosing to walk away from the blessings that the processes of the waiting and the enduring will lead me to. I believe in the hope of those blessings because I know God is faithful in his plans of goodness, that he sees the picture of the entire garden in bloom and the beauty in each growth process that leads to that splendor. Still, the toil of the meantime and my limited view of the mud surrounding me challenge my attitude of hope and my ability to value a splendor I cannot yet see.

the toil of the meantime and 

my limited view of the mud surrounding me challenge my attitude of hope 

and my ability to value a splendor I cannot yet see

To patiently wait for the seasons to pass, for the rain to fall, and for the sun to shine are difficult but valuable parts of the growing process. Life is not easy or certain, even in the middle of living God's will. At times, I want to hurry this process along or skip it altogether. At times, I focus only on myself and begin to believe the lie that I deserve to be happy and appeased at all times, that I am entitled to ease, and that avoiding adversity would solve all of my problems. At times, I focus on the life of someone else, and I am deceived by the thought that circumstances other than my own would lead to a better harvest than the one I am struggling for. When I allow my mind to linger on these thoughts, I am choosing not to find the value of the truth. I am choosing to disregard gratitude and instead to believe lies that leave me wallowing in virulent conditions which cultivate bitterness, lead me to despair, and abandon me in darkness.

the painful process of growing 

is a part of the blessing of harvest

Instead of searching for an escape or for an excuse when I become discouraged and weary, I need to be reminded that God did not promise me ease. In fact, God is completely upfront with me in his Word, telling me that I will be tested and that I will feel persecuted by my circumstances, but that the painful process of growing is a part of the blessing of harvest. In the same scriptures, he encourages me that these are the circumstances I can and must endure through. These are the times that I must wait patiently in as he cultivates me to become the mature woman of faith he created me to be, to bloom as he has promised, to become more and more a reflection of Christ, and to harvest his best plan for my life. I need to believe in the the magnificent oasis of his truth, to choose the quiet joy of waiting at his feet for the sunshine and the rain, while being patient in the pruning and in the wind and in the drought. I need to choose to see the value of the process so that I can experience gratitude for the circumstances which bring me to God’s best.

So, here I am, my heart breaking with the pain of a child facing an uninvited future one thousand times more difficult than any he or I would have chosen for his life. Here I am, my heart breaking with the pain of a husband enduring an endless climb up a rocky mountainside covered with slippery slopes and isolating ledges, navigating a path that bears no resemblance to one we would have chosen to walk. Here I am, my heart breaking with the pain of a friend who is daily looking straight into the face of darkness as her arms and her soul protectively encircle two children who have sustained unimaginable horrors, yet, she remains faithfully exposed with them to preposterous situations that she would never have chosen to bring them to. These are just some of the circumstances that surround me and press in on me and call out for me to turn away from the waiting, shriek at me to protect my heart, taunt me to give up on persevering through the unknown. It is excruciating at times to find value in these circumstances that are not what I would have chosen for myself or for these that I love. In this difficulty and in this pain are where I must recognize that God is the one who has chosen, and therefore, the value lies in his purpose, in his ultimate plan for goodness and victory, in his promise that these choices that require us to wait and to suffer and to endure will absolutely with all certainty lead us to a time when we will view our struggles in hindsight as the blink of an eye.

I believe that one day, I will be able to value fully these circumstances that are leading me to a place where God will wipe every tear from my eyes, and where there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain, and where all of these things will be gone forever. Until then, I will faithfully plant the seeds God gives me. Until then, I will look to God in expectation to provide the sun and the rain and the resources I need to patiently endure the waiting time and the seasons that remain before the harvest. Until then, I will make every effort to choose to live in gratitude and with joy by valuing the promise that lies beyond the growing time instead of believing the deception that I am entitled to ease and gratification in the here and now.

Until then...

“Dear brothers and sisters, be patient as you wait for the Lord’s return. Consider the farmers who patiently wait for the rains in the fall and in the spring. They eagerly look for the valuable harvest to ripen. You, too, must be patient. Take courage, for the coming of the Lord is near.” James 5:7-8

“‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ says the Lord. ‘They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.’” Jeremiah 29:11

“He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.” Revelation 21:4

Beauty in the Broken

A broken tree does not heal. It's true - a tree does not replace wounded or broken fibers with new wood. Instead, the tree permits the broken part to die and the tree moves on, growing around the wound. The tree allows its wound to simply scar over and exist, like a flaw that is present but no longer acknowledged as actively significant.1

"All this pain

I wonder if I’ll ever find my way

I wonder if my life could really change at all.

All this earth

Could all that is lost ever be found

Could a garden come up from this ground at all"2

One year ago yesterday, my husband was undergoing brain surgery. I can look back in my heart and remember I was afraid. I can look back in my mind and remember I was hopeful. Most importantly, I can look at today and know that even though the road from that experience has been difficult, has been dark, has been depressing - I can look at today and know that today is the one that matters.

Once a tree is injured, the wound will eventually become encased in a "knot", and new growth will simply begin on the perimeter of the wound where the healthy tree tissue is situated. Wounded trees can be freely observed most anywhere here in Northern Wisconsin.1 The "knot" of the wound is just a part of the tree. A tree steadily continues growing around its wound and moves on from it over a period of time.

A tree steadily continues growing 

around its wound and moves on from it over a period of time.

I look at my husband today, and I can see the faint scar that has formed over the four inch surgical incision that was made on the day of his brain surgery a year ago. I know that underneath, the physical malformation is still present. I know that a highly skilled and trustworthy surgeon applied a patch to passively prevent the anatomical defect from causing further damage as life goes on.

The knot in the tree is not a healed wound. It is a flaw, an imperfection, a part of the tree which essentially is not active - a scar. Yet, if the tree was able to recover properly with good support, whether natural or facilitated by a human, the existence of the knot will not cause more harm to the tree.1 

Sometimes wounds occur accidentally to a tree, but there are also times when a tree is cut intentionally, or pruned. The pruning is done for the purpose of health or for artistry. According to the Washington State University Extension, pruning of fruit trees is important to establish a firm structure, and to provide light channels throughout the tree so that the tree's fruit can mature well. It is important that a knowledgeable arborist does the pruning because improper cuts are potentially life-ending to a tree, while the correct ones will ensure the best access to sunlight so that an optimum harvest of fruit will result.3

The pruning is done for a purpose.

I see my husband in my memory of that day a year ago, in the hospital neurosurgery ICU - struggling to sit up, struggling to keep the world from spinning, struggling to tolerate the piercing invasive pain that had been inflicted with his own permission. What I remember most clearly, though, is the hope. The hope that sparked through the struggle, as we recognized a return of different physical aspects back to normal that had been suppressed by the compression of his brainstem for quite some time prior to the surgery. The hope that life was about to grow upward once again.

An arborist knows when and how and where to make pruning cuts on limbs, so that the tree has the best potential to close them with its natural defenses, and so that growth can continue beyond the wound, in the direction which the arborist deems best. Sometimes, however, the ensuing direction is unexpected, perhaps because the wound being cared for is not the only wound present1, or sometimes perhaps because the arborist is actually a designer... a visionary who sees the bigger picture... a creator who sees beauty in unusual places.

"You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust

You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of us"3

God is an arborist - a tree gardener, a planter, a grower, a caretaker. He sows and waters and feeds and prunes. He creates, protects, shapes, and transforms. He invites us to gaze at His majestic work with wonder and praise and quiet awe. His vocation is poetic and authoritative and precise. He creates beauty in paradox, nurturing our souls to grow by finding freedom through the very act of becoming captive to His desires, shaping our spirits to be uplifted higher than we could ever fathom simply by bowing down before Him, renewing our lives and our perspectives even as we allow our selfishness to die in recognition of the perfect authority of His plans.

I see in my mind my husband's view a year ago. A view colored by the beginnings of hope, colored by the perspective that life would be moving on in a sensible and predictable direction, colored by a limited understanding that failed to see that everything will be alright even when it's not all right. And suddenly, I know that what I am seeing in my memory of his outlook is actually a reflection of my own finite vision.

“This is what the Sovereign Lord says: 

I myself will take a shoot from the very top of a cedar and plant it; 

I will break off a tender sprig from its topmost shoots 

and plant it on a high and lofty mountain. 

On the mountain heights of Israel I will plant it; 

it will produce branches and bear fruit and become a splendid cedar. 

Birds of every kind will nest in it; 

they will find shelter in the shade of its branches. 

All the trees of the forest will know that 

I the Lord bring down the tall tree and make the low tree grow tall. 

I dry up the green tree and make the dry tree flourish. 

I the Lord have spoken, and I will do it.” 

(Ezekiel 17:22-24 NIV)

I don't know why God chooses to move our lives in directions that seem long and shadowy and wearying. I don't know why this is the place we have journeyed to in pursuit of His plan and His wisdom and His care. It is not a place I have ever envisioned or would have chosen on my own... but I do know that sovereign means God has supreme authority. I do know that His compassion and goodness are never-ending. I do know that nothing in the universe happens that is outside of His influence.

"All around

Hope is springing up from this old ground

Out of chaos 

life is being found in You"3

I can look at today and know that this is the day that matters. Our knots may help shape us. Our knots may be a portion of who we have become. They may remind us of what we have been through and may have influence over where we are going. But our knots do not define us. What defines us is decided by the One who defines us... the One who created us... the One who tends to our wounds and covers them with a part of Himself... the One who sees the beauty and the value of our knots and who makes good grow out from all around them. The One who sees the individual tree and also sees its place in the greater forest.

"You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of the dust

You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of us"3

"But I am like an olive tree flourishing in the house of God; 

I trust in God’s unfailing love forever and ever. 

For what you have done 

I will always praise you in the presence of your faithful people. 

And I will hope in your name, for your name is good."

(Psalm 52:8-9 NIV)

I am like a tree fluorishing...

I trust in His love...

His love never fails...

I praise Him for all He has done...

I hope in His name...

for His name is GOOD.

1 Stringer, Larry A., and Jim R. LaBerge. "We Know Trees." How Do Trees Heal?Golden Rule Tree Service, 2012. Web. 04 Sept. 2014.

2 Gary, Moulton, and King Jacky. "Pruning Tree Fruit – The Basics." Pruning Tree Fruit. WSU Mount Vernon Research & Extension Unit, n.d. Web. 04 Sept. 2014.

3 Gungor. Beautiful Things. Brash Music, 2010. MP3.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OR7VOKQ0xJY

Seeds of Growth

Yesterday, I read a post from an acquaintance who is my Facebook friend. She wrote transparently about her recent struggle to accept the fact that her son who has Down syndrome has now been given an additional diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder. She shared that it has been hard to find where exactly her son and her family fit in, because even within the group of families of kids with Down syndrome that she is very connected to, her family's struggles and challenges have been very different.

This mom's journaling of her feelings brought to my mind the circumstances which I have occasionally found myself in concerning my own son, who also has the dual diagnosis of Down syndrome and autism spectrum disorder. I very much understand the feeling this other mom is expressing about not quite fitting in. I have actually had people disagree with me when I have shared with them that my son has Down syndrome and autism. They have said, "He doesn't look like he has Down syndrome - are you sure that's right?" or "I have lots of experience with Down syndrome and I can tell he doesn't have it." I've usually smiled and said, "Yes, I know some things about him are a bit different than the classic picture that usually comes to mind when you think of Down syndrome, but I'm very confident in the accuracy of his medical professionals!"

As time has passed, and I have puzzled over these random yet personal opinions about my son that have been shared with me without hesitation, God has revealed to me this truth: Isn't it amazing, how even in a group which society lumps together with its stereotypical thinking, isn't it amazing that when you take a closer look at the people who make up that group, there is actually a hugely significant amount of individualism? Isn't it amazing how that individualism points to the TRUTH, so that we never have to believe the lie we are being told more and more often - the lie that says every person God has created does not possess infinitely unique value? I love how God intentionally builds truth into our lives, so that when we look for it to shine a light on the shadow of deception, the truth is right there for us to discover - amazing! "For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth)" Ephesians 5:8-9 NLT

It's true that my son's facial features are more angular than are typical of Down syndrome. It's true that his behavior most often reflects his autism diagnosis. It's also true that he was created with a third copy of chromosome 21, no matter what he looks like or how he acts. What other people see, does not change who he is. I hypothesize that this might be how the mom of a bi-racial child feels at times, as if her child does not belong to one group or the other, frustrated that her child is not recognized for ALL of who they are, but instead the focus more often is on the parts of who they are not. When all is said and done, I am content that our family is a part of BOTH of the sub-cultures, Down syndrome and autism spectrum disorder. I have found connections with and encouragement from families of each group. In truth, we all have in common that we are thriving and struggling with the blessings and challenges of our children, no matter what labels are attached to those blessings and challenges. In truth, each of us is more than who the world sees and judges. "For you are a holy people, who belong to the LORD your God. Of all the people on earth, the LORD your God has chosen you to be his own special treasure." 
Deuteronomy 7:6 NLT 

My Facebook friend wrote in her post, "When we were first diagnosed with ASD (autism spectrum disorder), I was angry at God, how dare he add THIS to the plate of (my son's) list of challenges. I heard him speak very clearly to me 'I want you to advocate for children with Autism, too.'  I felt so ill equipped, so unprepared. I am now ready to enter into battle, ready to stand up and fight for children with a variety of abilities. A pastor once said to use our fight for good, for BIG, important things, so here I go... Proverbs 31:8. 'Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute.'" 

I myself believe that my friend, this woman of God, is on the right path. I believe she has recognized and accepted God's truth that her branches are double in number, and that as she continues to nourish her strong roots with the nutrients specific to what her family tree requires, the result can only be that she will bear more fruit! "But the seed in the good soil, these are the ones who have heard the word in an honest and good heart, and hold it fast, and bear fruit with perseverance." Luke 8:15 NAS

Ann Voskamp recently published a blog article titled, How Your Life Really Can Change [and what to do when change comes]. She pointed out that,"The same Jesus who turned water into wine... can change your wounds into wisdom... kids can change, minds can change, the world - your world, can change. And there is not anything to fear. Change is as positive as the promises of God... There is no soul growth without change, no change without surrender, no surrender without wound. Wounds are what break open the soul to plant the seeds of our growth." 

"Wounds are what break open the soul to plant the seeds of our growth."

-Ann Voskamp

I don't know about you, but I have learned to be honest with God about what I am thinking and feeling. I figure that he already knows anyway, and I know that if I open my heart to him, if I seek him out in my struggles, he promises to hear me. So, if I have a question or a doubt, I bring it to God - I pray and I listen and I read his Word and, eventually, he answers me. "This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us." 1 John 5:14 NIV

God, I don't fit in... 

"Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it..." 
Romans 12:22 MSG

God, I don't understand why this is happening and why it's happening now...
"Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely." 
1 Corinthians 13:12 NLT

God, I am afraid that I can't do this...
"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." 
Isaiah 41:10 NIV


God, my soul is wounded..."He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."
Psalm 143:3 NIV
"Wounds are what break open the soul to plant the seeds of our growth." 
-Ann Voskamp

When my soul is wounded, God heals my broken heart with his seeds of growth. He binds me up with his Word to his promises, just as the gardener binds a broken tree branch to firm supports. He strengthens my weakness with his nourishing power and allows my growth to be glorifying to him by the work that he accomplishes in my life. I will forever be grateful for the identity he has given me as his own child, for the invitation he gives to our family to place him at our center, and for the knowledge that no matter the world's opinion, we will always belong to him.

Do Not Be Afraid

In a song by Jason Gray that's called Fear is Easy, Love is Hard*, one of the lyric lines reads,

"It’s hard to bring your heart to a world that can break it
to offer love to those you’re afraid will forsake it,
but a well defended heart is always looking for a fight."

I think often about how the phrase "Fear not..." is repeated over and over and over again in the Bible. It truly is my natural tendency to allow fear to flood my soul, and in turn, I become defensive. When I am focused on fear, I begin to look into the eyes of other people or even into my own eyes, and in those human reflections I often see that my value wavers. It is scary to offer myself, my heart, my friendship, my time even, to someone who may not take care with me if I choose to be authentic and vulnerable. When I focus on my value in such a variable market, I often feel inadequate or unimportant or guarded over what may be taken from me.

When I focus on my value in such a variable market, I often feel inadequate or unimportant or guarded over what may be taken from me.

But, Jesus has shown me that the only value that matters is the one he places on my life, the one that says that I am invaluable, the one that is permanent and unchanging, and has been attached to me by the God who created me. I am beginning to understand that if I want to see the woman that Jesus sees when he looks at me, I need to gaze at him to find myself reflected in his eyes. It does not matter if I am blind to the perspective of "me" held by another person. It does not matter if I am dismissed by or even invisible to someone whom I wish would acknowledge my presence. It does not matter if someone looks directly at me with eyes of contempt. What does matter is what is seen by my Creator. This is the Person I need to have enough faith to place my trust in. This the Person who promised to love me unconditionally. This is the Person I can give my hope to. This is the Person who can give me triumph over fear.

I am beginning to understand that if I want to see the woman that Jesus sees when he looks at me, I need to gaze at him to find myself reflected in his eyes. 

I think that if I can choose to hope in God instead of in people or in circumstances, he will lead me to fearlessness in the face of whatever the future may bring. I know that if I put my hope in God, and if I try to overcome fear by having faith in his promises, these are truths that affect the condition of my heart. When I am able to hope in God, it gives me an inner peacefulness. Peter wrote about God's desire for whom he created me as a woman when he described the beauty that is found in holiness: 

"You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, 

the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God." 

1 Peter 4:3 NLT

Later in that same chapter, I perceive Peter's writings describe how God gives direction and encouragement to me to choose to open my heart towards people and circumstances which may bring pain. The words Peter wrote reveal to me that if I choose to trust God's leading in this area, there may be many times when I must give up my own desire, my own plan, my own comfort, and especially my own control. However, through submitting to God's authority, I am promised unshakable hope in the goodness of God, courage in the face of any future circumstances, and quiet tranquility of my soul. 

"So if you are suffering in a manner that pleases God, 

keep on doing what is right, 

and trust your lives to the God who created you, 

for he will never fail you." 

1 Peter 4:19 NLT

God will never fail me. God will never fail me. God will never fail me. 

There is a greatness that belongs only to God. That greatness is recognizable in the rising of the sun each day, the harvest of the fields each season... so much of creation is a metaphor of God's great authority which we should recognize in our hearts and in our lives. If I look away from myself, if I look away from fear, if instead I choose to look to God the Creator with honor and with trust and with a willingness to follow him... then I will experience the security and confidence he wants to bless me with, then he will reveal to me his presence and his goodness. By choosing to give up fear in the face of my loving Savior, I am choosing to bathe my heart in a light that no darkness has the power to overcome. Jason Gray's song ends with the following lyrics, and then fades out to the phrase, "Do not be afraid..."

"Fear will leave you hiding in the dark, 

but love will bring a light into your heart

So do not be afraid, do not be afraid

It comes down to a simple choice: 

shouting devils or a still small voice

One is spreading fear and dread, 

oh but love has always said,

Do not be afraid

Do not be afraid

Do not be afraid

   

 Do not be afraid..."

That is the Voice I want to consistently choose to listen to - the Voice of Love, the Voice of Authority, the Voice of Light, the Voice of Mercy, the Voice of Grace, the Voice that belongs to the One and Only God of the Universe.

Do not be afraid, do not be afraid, do not be afraid...

* Fear is Easy, Love is Hard by Jason Gray from the album A Way to See In The Dark, 2011