A Ballad of Perspective

Some days I feel too much, other days I feel nothing at all. My perspective has been dark lately, and peace likewise elusive. I read an article that explained, "the give-and-take between seeing the exquisite wonder of the world beside its bleakness, is a struggle." I think that's true. I know that a huge part of my struggle with depression is not being able to stay in balance - not being able to find the place where I feel just the right amount. People say to think positively, but I find it impossible to choose to only focus on the wonders of the world, when I know the bleakness of the world exists even if I consciously look away. And as difficult as it is to allow my heart to see that bleakness, I know that it's only when both of these perspectives are woven together, that my true destiny can be accomplished. Because I want to fulfill the purpose I was created for, I mindfully hope in the goodness that will one day arise from the bleak things in life. I focus my faith on the knowledge that resiliency is possible when wonder bravely stands alongside of that struggle for hope. And I remind myself that love does not give up in the midst of suffering. Even though I often find myself behind the bleak veil of depression, I intentionally seek to find a glimpse of wonder each day. On my darkest days I compel myself to look outward and fix my gaze on one miracle. One image I've focused on lately, is the marvel of a magnificent river. God's handiwork displayed in a river has captivated my attention over and over for the last few years. On this day, as I contemplated that image, my thoughts once again melded into words that flowed from my hand to a page - words that became, this time, a poem...

GLIMPSING WONDER

I walk upon a winding trail,

I dream upon a river's flow,

divided by an unseen wale,

'tween what I feel and what I know. 

Weary of the dusty road,

rough with unexpected stones,

weary of this cumbrous load,

weighing on my mind and bones.

The river tangent to the trees,

soothing with its dulcet roll,

sings a song upon the breeze,

beckoning my restless soul.

Weary of this pitted ground,

eroded from assailing trial,

weary of the onerous sound, 

of groaning with each wending mile.

The river cantillates refrains, 

of resonating rhapsody,

enchants, allures, and sustains, 

my dream from whole fugacity.

Weary of this wretched woe,

of never ending vicissitude,

weary of the ache and throe,

of continual solicitude.

The river captivates each sigh,

weaves symphonic undersong,

assays each sorrow drawing nigh,

sings its theory never wrong.

Weariness becomes lament,

weeping melancholy's tears,

the river bank is pain's decent, 

where suffering emerges clear.

I walk upon a winding trail,

I dream a gentle river slope,

mingling thoughts in staid grisaille,

with light to find prismatic hope.

- Lora Stonelake 3/2017

"This give-and-take between seeing the exquisite wonder of the world beside it's bleakness is a struggle."

  - Lori Chandler

"It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see."

  - Henry David Thoreau

"When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change."

  - Max Planck

"The nearer the dawn, the darker the night."

  - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow 

"Dreams... They lift us from the commonplace of life to better things."

  - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

"Now your attitudes and thoughts must all be constantly changing for the better."

  - Ephesians 4:23

“You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you!”

 - Isaiah 26:3

 “My soul yearns for you in the night, and in the morning my spirit searches and looks out for you” 

  - Isaiah 26:9

“You, Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light.”

 - Psalm 18:28

“Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning. I say to myself, 'The Lord is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him!'”

 - Lamentations 3:21-24

“Oh, that we might know the Lord! Let us press on to know him. He will respond to us as surely as the arrival of dawn or the coming of rains in early spring.”

  - Hosea 6:3

“Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance... Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely. Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love.”

  - 1 Corinthians 13:7, 12-13

"God chose a very unique word to describe His peace--a river! A river is not calm and void of activity. It is active and cleansing and confident of the direction it is headed in. A river doesn't get caught up with rocks in its path. it flows over and around them, all the while smoothing their jagged edges and allowing them to add to its beauty rather than take away from it. A river is a wonderful thing to behold... To have peace like a river is to have security and tranquility while meeting the many bumps and unexpected turns on life's journey."

  - Lysa TerKeurst

"I will have peace flowing like a river."

  - Isaiah 48:18

"A river brings joy to the city of our God, the sacred home of the Most High. God dwells in that city; it cannot be destroyed. From the very break of day, God will protect it." 

  - Psalms 46:4-5

The Center

Written Sep 24, 2013 1:18am

Today, my husband had his first follow-up appointment with the neurosurgeon. The stitches were removed and revealed an incision that has been healing quickly and beautifully over the past weeks. The doctor was very pleased with the progress that was evident and gave the release  to begin light activity - driving for short periods,pouring milk from a full carton, being up and about for longer stretches of time, etc. 

Three weeks ago as we were pulling into our hotel in Madison, exhausted and anxious about facing the surgery the next morning, it was difficult to imagine being at this point in our journey. Just like the picture of peace like a river that we were clinging to that day, we have encountered a few rocks in our path during the last few weeks. And also like the river, we did not get caught up in them. With the propelling strength of Christ's living water and with enveloping currents of love provided by family and friends, our lives have flowed around and through each obstacle. Our journey has been made more beautiful by the thoughts and prayers and kindnesses of those who have moved alongside of us.  

As I have considered the analogy that explains the concept of "peace like a river", I have been compelled to read more about the subject of rivers. One article explained that, "Rivers are essential.... Plants and animals grow and congregate around rivers simply because water is so essential to all life. It might seem that rivers happen to run through many cities in the world, but it is not that the rivers go through the city, rather that the city was built and grew up around the center of the river."  

I found many words used to describe a river - peaceful, active, cleansing, strong, gentle, confident, secure, tranquil, essential, and, to me, the most compelling - center. The river is described as the center of life. The river was the concept of peace that we cleaved to at the beginning of this journey, and now it is the center we have built and grown around. 

When I think of center, I think of Jesus. He is my river of life - my peaceful, active, cleansing, strong, gentle, confident, secure, tranquil, essential, center. 

The center verse of the Bible is Psalm 118:8, " It is better to trust in the Lord than to put confidence in man." 

In a book which I read daily called A Psalm in Your Heart, the author writes that the entire center chapter of the Bible is about moving forward into the most difficult situation we have ever faced. It is about not letting our circumstances alter our faith even when we are in a time of deep vulnerability. We might be deceived into thinking that we will never survive this, but instead, we can know that God will help us. He will be our strength and our song on this day, the very one we are living through at this moment, no matter how dark it may seem. 

Chapter 118 in Psalms ends with the words that can keep our hearts centered on the perspective of truth. "Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good;His love endures forever." Psalm 118:29

The lyrics of a song have been echoing in my head all day today:

Jesus at the center of it all 

From beginning to the end It will always be, it's always been you, Jesus...
Nothing else matters, nothing in this world will do...

Jesus you're the center, everything revolves around you...

Peace Like a River

Written Sep 3, 2013 4:32am

This morning at 7:30 am, my husband will be having brain surgery. Right now, he is sleeping peacefully in our hotel bed, lulled to sleep by the fan of the a/c and the mumbling of CNN reporters turned down low on the TV. 

I, however, am sitting on the room's sofa, finally still after a day that seemed anything but peaceful. 

As I had tried earlier that day to finish all of the tasks of packing, of preparing the kids for the first day of school, of making a long list for Grandma (with schedules, responsibilities, and structured routines that help this family of eight to function smoothly) - I was feeling vulnerable, weepy, overwhelmed, turbulent, exposed... anything but peaceful! I was busy listing my worries for God, just in case He was not aware of how His plans were disrupting mine: 

Why was the surgery scheduled for the first day of school? 

How was my daughter going to handle being in school for a full day? 

What if my son is overwhelmed by high school, and the people he encounters don't know that he has autism? What if he cries all day or gets lost? 

What if my son with Down syndrome won't eat or has a toileting accident? 

What if one of our other three boys has a football injury while we are gone? 

How is my mom, as amazing as she is, going to fill in for two very involved parents when there is only one of her? 

What if my husband's surgery doesn't go well? 

What if the hospital releases him before he is able to tolerate the drive home? 

On and on it went - Why? How? What?

Being in that mindset reminded me that as much as I want to be, I am not the one in control. Almost every aspect of my life reminds me of how desperately I need God to manage all of the details, because the the sheer totality of them is beyond what I can manage on my own.

I locked myself in the bedroom to pack undisturbed, and the tears began to flow. 

I told God, "I don't think I can do this!" I am pretty sure God was relieved that I finally held the burden out to Him as He thought,"Absolutely you cannot! But I can!!!" 

I had read a few weeks earlier that "Peace is submission to a Trustworthy Authority, not resignation from activity" 

As I began to surrender all of my feelings, a text came through from a friend with a song whose lyrics include, "There's a light in the darkness shining, there's a peace for the restless soul... Jesus." 

I texted back and revealed my struggle at that moment, and my friend responded with encouragement not to worry (Luke 12:22-32)

and with suggestions that I address my feelings of anxiety and stress with the truth:

I could handle everything with God's strength (Philippians 4:23),

God's assurances of love and protection can still my fear and lead me to trust Him. (Psalm 27:1),

and I could recognize that God has revealed Himself as Healer. (Exodus 15:26b). 

The night before, this same friend had come over and prayed for my husband in our living room, asking God that a river of peace flow over him.

Our friend did not know that my husband had been singing the phrases, "peace like a river attendeths my soul" and "I've got peace like a river in my soul" to himself whenever anxiety began to approach him. 

Our friend did not know that I had been reading a book that talked about the meaning of that phrase - peace like a river: "God chose a very unique word to describe His peace--a river! A river is not calm and void of activity. It is active and cleansing and confident of the direction it is headed in. A river doesn't get caught up with rocks in its path. it flows over and around them, all the while smoothing their jagged edges and allowing them to add to its beauty rather than take away from it. A river is a wonderful thing to behold."

Another quote explained, "To have peace like a river is to have security and tranquility while meeting the many bumps and unexpected turns on life's journey." 

So, as I am getting ready in less than an hour to accompany my husband to the hospital  where the staff will begin preparing him for brain surgery, I am focused on having peace like a river.

God's truth tells me that if I listen to Him and not to my own desperate thoughts, 

I will have peace flowing like a river (Isaiah 48:18). 

I have confidence that God has all of it under His care, faith that every detail of my family's day today will go according to His plan, and trust that His plan is always the best one even when I cannot see around the river's bend.