Crazy Daisy

I own two vintage leftover Corelle plates in the 1970s pattern of my childhood growing up years - “Crazy Daisy Spring Blossom Green”. I have on occasion, also used these plates in my adult years, mostly when recovering from a winter virus… the times that call for easy-on-the-stomach-comfort foods like mashed potatoes, white rice, honey toast, or scrambled eggs. It’s not just the food, but also the plates themselves that have always been a part of the comforting factor. I’ve even had my dinner on one of these plates at times when I’ve simply been emotionally drained and was feeling in need of a little extra TLC

On Christmas Eve this year, I came across an article warning the general public that vintage Corelle plates should no longer be used for eating purposes because the protective finish becomes worn over time, exposing the paint used on the plate’s pattern. That paint has been found to contain unsafe levels of lead that may leach into the food that comes in contact with it. After reading the article, I reluctantly removed the two plates from my kitchen cupboard, and retired them to a place of honor on my dining room hutch. I felt sad that this meant my longtime comfort habit was being retired, as well.  

It’s funny how something familiar that gives a person an emotional feeling of comfort, can turn out to be just an illusion of safety and security. Those childhood plates that had been bringing me present comfort, could in reality harm me. Had I used those plates constantly, rather than just for brief periods of life respite, I could have experienced lead poisoning. 

Comfort distracts a person from what’s making them feel un-comfortable. Comfort can bring a person to rest in a place where things don’t change and where easy habit overshadows thought-filled examination. However, resting in that comfort for too long can lull us into believing that it’s better to sit back and feel good than it is to deal with the stress of change. The truth is, that good feeling is not lasting. As long as our circumstances stay the same, we will continue to be surrounded by the stress or misery that first caused us to seek out the insulating comfort to wrap ourselves in, to hide ourselves in. Eventually, we realize that most of our comfort measures are a temporary fix, and to become unstuck, we need to continue to move forward through the thing we were avoiding.

Moving through difficulty changes us. It forces us to adjust to new circumstances. When we adjust, we change. Change is essential to growth, and growth is what moves us forward into good things ahead. It hurts sometimes to leave old situations, and maybe even relationships we were once so connected to, behind. But there is also the promise of joy ahead. God tells us that He is our ultimate comfort. He is the only comfort that can go with us and grow with us. Even when the circumstances we are in seem unbearable, He is with us, guiding us towards something good. 

On Christmas Day, following the night my comfort plates were retired, I gathered with my kids at my first-born son’s house for our traditional holiday dinner of Nachos Navidad followed by the exchanging of gifts. My heart was filled with quiet jubilation when I opened a small box from my second-born son and daughter-in-law. In it I found a necklace with a charm they had carefully crafted from a piece of a Corelle plate with my precious “crazy daisy” pattern on it. With this necklace, I am able to wear a piece of comfort around my neck -  like a loving hug from some of the people I love best, like a loving reminder of my Ultimate Comforter who goes with me through the uncomfortable things towards the better things ahead, like a loving symbol telling me hope is a living thing that exists in the process of change. 

This season has been a difficult one, a confusing one, and an emotional one that has caused upheaval of some situations near me that were in desperate need of change. The upheaval has left me personally on a tumultuous path, one that I fervently have been seeking comfort on as I struggle to find my way forward. At times I feel very alone, conflicted about the direction I am supposed to take. Yet, every time I have huddled down seeking comfort and escape, God sends another person along to encourage me and help me take a few more steps forward. He is giving me hope that change is coming as I walk through this situation that continually threatens to overwhelm me with fear and anger and sadness. He is showing me once again that broken hearts can still feel love and joy. He is showing me that there are people all around me, that I am not alone. And He is protecting my sliver of faith that there is indeed, something good far ahead when all I can see right now is something awful. 

As Psalm 23 says, even when I walk through the darkest valley, God is with me. He is shepherding me. He is my protection and my comfort. Amen.

”All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort.“

‭‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭1‬:‭3‬ ‭NLT‬‬

https://bible.com/bible/116/2co.1.3.NLT

”I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.”“

‭‭John‬ ‭16‬:‭33‬ ‭NLT‬‬

https://bible.com/bible/116/jhn.16.33.NLT

”See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.“

‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭43‬:‭19‬ ‭NIV‬‬

https://bible.com/bible/111/isa.43.19.NIV

”I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.“

‭‭Romans‬ ‭8‬:‭18‬ ‭NIV‬‬

https://bible.com/bible/111/rom.8.18.NIV

”…But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.“

‭‭Romans‬ ‭8‬:‭24‬a-25‬ ‭NIV‬‬

https://bible.com/bible/111/rom.8.25.NIV

Remnants of Hope

As Easter approaches, I’ve brought out the appropriate holiday bin in order to decorate for our family celebration on Sunday. The basketful of treasures pictured here is probably my favorite item in the box, each one crocheted or knitted by my Gramma B (except for the eggs which were made by my friend’s mom). When I look at these heirlooms, I think about my grandma’s daily life. She consistently invested her time and used her hands to express her love and consideration for other people, and her actions were often accompanied by words of her faith in God. When I remember my grandma, I find myself hoping that the legacy of faith that she gifted me with never becomes just another heirloom. I hope that I am teaching my own kids that faith is not just a tradition to be pulled out of a box and ritually repeated on holy days and holidays. I hope their nostalgia for the past never transcends the opportunities of their present to experience the faithfulness of God firsthand - opportunities to be stretched and depend on Him, opportunities to show compassion to others in today’s crises, opportunities to worship and serve from hearts of gratefulness rather than simply out of habit and discipline. I hope that the legacy of faith that my grandma gave to me is one my children are personally and powerfully experiencing in their own lives, just as I am in mine. I believe if they saturate their hearts and their motivations with the love of God, their faith will be active and growing. That belief  is the reason I constantly pray that the legacy of faith I am sharing with them will continue to be a living thing, even more precious than a remnant of the past.

“So if you faithfully obey the commands I am giving you today—to love the Lord your God and to serve him with all your heart and with all your soul— then I will send rain on your land in its season, both autumn and spring rains, so that you may gather in your grain, new wine and olive oil… Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates, so that your days and the days of your children may be many in the land the Lord swore to give your ancestors, as many as the days that the heavens are above the earth. 

- Deuteronomy‬ ‭11‬:‭13‬-‭14‬, ‭18‬-‭21 NIV‬‬

Grief & Joy (by Molly)

(intro by Lora) There’s nothing more difficult for me as a parent than watching my children struggle with something I cannot fix for them. There’s nothing more affirming than seeing my children build resilience by growing stronger in their faith in God’s goodness. My heart was eased, reading this essay Molly wrote for her Old Testament class at school. She’s finding the best path through the hard places. Here are her words…

Proverbs talks a lot about grief as well as joyfulness. Reading through these verses hit pretty hard in my life actually. They talk much about how people like to hide their grief and seem as if they're joyful even when God knows they aren’t ok. The following questions and answers are how I interpreted the verses that I read.

These verses taught me a lot about how joy and grief go together. You can’t really have joy without grief. If we didn’t have grief we wouldn’t know what joy feels like. But if we didn’t have joy, we would just be sorrowful all of the time. But, if we go to the Lord in our times of grief, he can help us through it and help us regain our happiness.

Our world is kind of a mess. There is so much grief all of the time between wars, sickness, and environmental issues. People try to show they’re happy and that it’s all ok when in reality, it’s kind of a mess. Many people also don’t realize how much God can help them through these situations which makes the grief able to take over more.

In Proverbs 17:22 it says, “A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.” In the past few years of my life grief has been kind of strong. Although there were no deaths, my parents had gotten divorced spring of my 8th grade year. And all before that, it was a stressful situation. My mom did everything she could to be happy and strong for me and my brothers but I knew she wasn’t ok. As well as I knew I wasn’t doing well either. All of my friends at school and people outside of my family saw the happier quiet version of me that didn’t show any signs of sadness, grief, or sorrow, but when I was alone it was not really ok. During this time my cat had passed and he was the thing I was comforted by the most so it was not a wonderful situation. In this time I noticed myself getting closer to God and leaning on him for help more. This summer I’m getting baptized as well. As I got closer to The Lord it helped learn that I could trust some of my friends and that they could help me as well. So although in a bad situation of grief,it led me to get closer to the Lord. So the verse shows that getting closer to God gave me a cheerful heart and helped me to become happier even when the grief beforehand was making me sad and made me feel lonely.

These verses show that even though you can’t have joy without grief, in the end it will end up ok. If you are happy at one point but it ends in sadness, the Lord will always help you through that situation. An example could be that a close grandparent dies. You had much happiness with them and loved them so much but they were older and passed and you had much grief over them. Knowing that they are in a better place and being taken care of even better than they were before will help you get through the stage of grief and help you to be happy yet again.

Proverbs is a great book to help you learn that joy and grief go together. Although grief doesn’t seem like a wonderful thing, it’s a part of life. It helps you learn things as life goes on. Always remember that when you aren’t doing well, God is always there to help.

- Molly

THE ALTAR OF MY HEART

It’s confusing in Wisconsin when spring shows up on the calendar, but snow continues to fly through the air. We feel like we are in the wrong place at the right time. The earth’s angle is tilted so that we are being exposed to more sunlight, but many of our days still feel cold, and the clouds often interfere with that extra light we have been waiting for all winter. Yet, we know the sun is still there. We know that spring is indeed arrived and our activities reflect what the calendar tells us, more so than how the weather feels. I put my snow shovel away, and take out my garden shovel. My fleece mittens are put in the closet, and my rubber coated work gloves come out. I stand on the step outside my patio door, shivering, but confident that the sun’s warmth will soon overcome the chilly air. 

This particular spring marks the one year anniversary of my divorce. It feels strange to have stopped counting the marriage years and started over again at the beginning of the number line. I have been compelled to look back at my blog entry concerning my marriage from eight years ago, titled “I WILL…” In it I had written, “In days of old, God's people built altars to acknowledge and to remember the places where he had performed a miracle, or had saved them, or had revealed himself to them in a significant moment.” My entry described how I perceived the altar of my marriage vows. At that place and time, my marriage was challenging, but I was intent to persevere… to continue to move forward in love… to believe my husband shared my intent… to trust God would save us from the imperfections of ourselves.  

Despite that intention, our vows crumbled and divorce broke the altar of our marriage. With a broken marriage came a broken life. With a broken marriage came a broken confidence in the church that I believed would help us, but had instead harmed us. With a broken marriage came a broken desire to interact with the world outside of my hurting children, even with people whom I knew loved me and supported me. With a broken marriage came a broken ability to consider the future with any kind of vision or anticipation. With a broken marriage came a broken heart.

My broken heart was full of confusion and uncertainty. It felt like my life was turned completely upside down. The marriage altar was destroyed, and instead of feeling that the presence of God was with me, I was feeling lost and traumatized. Despite the feeling of disconnection in my heart, the knowledge in my head caused me to turn to the one concrete place I knew to be whole, to hold truth, to be unchanged. I turned to read the words of God in the Bible. There, in the very beginning, in Genesis, I found other people who were navigating traumatic experiences, who were confused and uncertain, and who in the midst of their upside down circumstances knew to look for God.

In Genesis chapter 8, after a forty day storm that destroys the face of the earth and most of humanity, and after countless days of just floating aimlessly on the open water, Noah’s ark lands him in an unfamiliar place. His home has been destroyed, and his future plans are completely unknown. Noah decides the place where he belongs at that moment is at an altar he builds before doing anything else, worshipping and waiting on God. 

In Genesis chapter 12, Abraham is asked to leave the homeland he has lived his whole life. He travels to one foreign place after another, sometimes fearing for his life. However, in each place God leads him to, Abraham builds an altar, to thank God for his presence, and for the future fulfillment of his promises. 

I can emotionally relate to the uprooted circumstances of Noah and Abraham. After one year, divorce still feels like a strange place to me. I continue to often surround myself with the boundaries of solitude and silence. I sit in my new church on occasion, listening to familiar words filtered through a shadow of grief and distrust. My children look to me to lead the way into the future, as their progress in healing ebbs and flows. The only surety I know is that God is here with me.  My heart may be broken, but I believe God is here. Even if this broken heart sometimes feels like the wrong place for me to wait, I try and remember the springtime. I’m starting to see that altar of my life has become my broken heart. Even though it sometimes feels like a place I don’t want to be, it is the place where I know that God’s light will awaken hope and healing, in time. It is the right place to approach God, to talk to him, to listen for him, to worship him. As I wait expectantly at the altar of my heart, I am beginning to see glimpses of what’s ahead. Even if I don’t always feel like God is here, I believe he is here. I remember the springtime. I believe that eventually, I will feel his warmth healing my heart. I believe that his light will show me where I am going, and that his promises for me will be fulfilled. Until then, I will wait here.

“Oh, that we might know the Lord! Let us press on to know him. He will respond to us as surely as the arrival of dawn or the coming of rains in early spring.”

‭‭Hosea‬ ‭6:3‬ ‭NLT‬‬

“The grass withers and the flowers fade beneath the breath of the Lord. And so it is with people. The grass withers and the flowers fade, but the word of our God stands forever.” 

‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭40:7-8‬ ‭NLT‬‬

“But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, They shall run and not be weary, They shall walk and not faint.”

‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭40:31‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

“Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again— my Savior and my God!”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭42:11‬ ‭NLT‬‬

“But each day the Lord pours his unfailing love upon me, and through each night I sing his songs, praying to God who gives me life.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭42:8‬ ‭NLT‬‬

The Burden of Regret



Regret - that feeling of sorrow linked to past choices. Regret is a burden that every grown up human being carries. It’s weight is felt in grief, in anguish, in remorsefulness, or even shame. To me, one of the most significant things about regret is that it is a burden that we put upon ourselves. Even when regret is linked to a choice that we made that was the right choice - the truly loving or kind or protective or responsible choice in that moment, we still often pummel ourselves in the aftermath of that choice. 

A friend of mine was looking at an old photo from summers ago. Six sun-tanned happy kids are in the photo, five of them sticky with ice cream treats. The youngest kid in the photo was my friend’s two year old adoptive daughter who had passed away due to medical issues, a few months following the day the picture was taken. One of her daughter’s conditions on a long list of medical diagnoses was Type 1 Diabetes. 

My friend texted , “This photo makes me happy and sad. Why couldn’t I have let her have some ice cream. I was so new to caring for her and wanted to do everything perfect. I should have let her have the ice cream.”

I quickly replied, “But remember (she had been happily snacking on baby carrots, at the time), she loved those carrots like they were ice cream! You were doing the thing you believed was best. You were such a good mama to her!”

She said, “I know, but look at her. She’s signing please (in the photo) But thank you for that reminder. She had only been with us a month or so...”

“It was like having a brand new baby for the first time, wasn’t it?” I asked.

“Absolutely! I would have done that differently with the knowledge I have now. But she got my best either way,” she replied.

“ He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us... Even when we are weighed down with troubles, it is for your comfort and salvation! For when we ourselves are comforted, we will certainly comfort you. Then you can patiently endure the same things we suffer. We are confident that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in the comfort God gives us.

-2 Corinthians 1:4, 6-7

I know that my friend voiced her regret specifically to me not only because I had been present the day of that photo, but also because she believed that as a foster/adoptive mom myself, I would understand the burden of her regret. And she was right - I am very familiar with the wistful feeling regret can weigh in as. As a parent, making decisions from a place of loving boundaries can sometimes seem so impossibly hard. I occasionally look back and find my parenting choices regrettable even though they were the right choices - the actual best choices in those moments. Viewing my past through the lens of heartbreak or of greater knowledge is always going to be painful I think. It’s a situation in which I know that I need to forgive myself and have the grace to look behind my imperfections. I guess that’s the point of grace - of being able to not only accept it as a gift from God, but also learning to accept it from myself. I struggle with this often, especially as a parent... even more so with my adopted kids, where I have had to parent blindly sometimes. Circumstances have forced me to do the best I could, even though later I sometimes realized my best in the past was lacking in the light of the present.

Regret is a universal burden in any relationship, really. A few days ago would have marked my 27th wedding anniversary, had I not gotten a divorce in this past year. Divorce is a situation riddled with regret, and the burden of that regret is carried by each person in a family - no matter where the blame lays. On my former wedding anniversary day, I realized that a sacred day had now been transformed into a mourning day - the mourning of the hope that had once been woven through even the dysfunctional parts of my marriage. I looked around myself and I saw that my family is broken, the hearts of my children are broken, the rhythm of our lives is broken. I looked beside myself and saw the path beside me is broken - that my present ability to maintain any but my most immediate relationships is broken. I looked inside myself and saw that my desire to trust is broken, that the thoughts in my head are broken, that my desire to speak is broken... that my heart is broken. 

The trauma of a broken marriage is painted with regret. The relics of my heart are the only pieces that remain of my vows. Those pieces are strewn about, splintered and worn. My marriage was beaten down, destroyed, and abandoned - but still, these pieces of me remain. My heart has become burdened with the questions regret asks - what did I do wrong, what should I have done differently, why did I say this or choose that?  Regret weighs heavy, even when the choice that strains the remaining threads of a relationship is not ones own. 

“Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”

-Matthew 11:28-30 NLT

Regret is a ponderous burden. God tells me in the Bible to bring my burdens to him. I think when I consciously do that, I find some comfort in knowing that God understands my regret, how I feel underneath its weight. Maybe that’s the “rest”  Jesus talked about... that knowing God is gentle and understanding of my inadequacy. Maybe the “rest” is that bringing my regret to him is not going to result in his judgement of guilt, but in his gift of grace. Maybe the “rest” I am promised is the realization that this lifetime does not end in regret, but in restoration. Maybe that hope is the “rest” I can lean into from regret.

Regret is not easy to talk about - it’s very nature is that it is brought about by something we wish did not exist. But I know there is healing to be had in carrying regret to the appropriate place - to not use it to condemn ourselves, but to give ourselves hope. Hope shows me a mother greeting her daughter again one day with a joyful hug and an ice cream cone. Hope finds me when my daughter paints a picture with a quote from her favorite movie written on the bottom that says, “This is my family. It's little, and broken, but still good.” Hope tells me that today’s regret does not cancel out yesterday’s joys or tomorrow’s possibilities.  

“Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him.” 

-Psalm 62:5 NIV

Mid-Story

This Christmas was different for everyone in the world, and our family was not excluded from that circumstance. In the weeks before Christmas Day, I heard the people I love voice their awareness of the coming differences with anxiety and nervousness about parting from the expected familiar - my son, my brother, my mother, my daughter, my niece, my friend - and even the voice of my own inner self, echoing around in my head. Each of us struggled with concern for different reasons, but our struggle was universal in that we all had suffered painful life changes that set us on new paths over the course of the year since last Christmas. 

Rev. David Crosby wrote, “You do not get to choose the events that come your way nor the sorrows that interrupt your life. They will likely be a surprise to you, catching you off quard and unprepared. You may hold your head in your hands and lament your weak condition and wonder what you ought to do. To suffer, that is common to all...Pain will change you more profoundly than success or good fortune. Suffering shapes your perception of life, your values and priorities, and your goals and dreams. Your pain is changing you.”

The change that sorrow and suffering brings is painful. It breaks off pieces of ourselves that were attached to things we thought we needed, things we thought we depended on, things that we thought defined us... until life happened and forced us to see that the parts that have broken away are not meant to be with us on the road ahead. We feel raw and wounded in those broken places, sometimes in an almost unbearable sense. But time moves us forward  down our new path, and we realize that our journey continues despite our pain, and despite our inclination to stay in the place where life was interrupted, hoping that somehow that moment will rewind itself and disappear. 

Some of the most hopeful verses in the Bible, to me, come in the middle of a book of laments. A lament is defined by the Oxford Dictionary as “a passionate expression of grief or sorrow.” Yet, in the middle of this book of laments, this hope appears: 

“Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, ‘The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.’” Lamentations 3:21-24 NIV

Throughout my life, whenever I have been faced with a situation which has caused me great grief and sorrow, these verses have reminded me that the middle of my circumstances is not where life ends. The middle of my pain is not where joy ends. The middle of my struggle is not where hope ends. Even when a job is lost, an ability is lost, a relationship is lost, or a life is lost... there is more to the story than the sorrowful middle. That doesn’t mean that I should not express my grief, that I cannot lament over what has changed by my loss - but what it does mean is that I can hold on to the promise that this middle of sorrow is not a bitter end. 

In the church I’ve been attending this year, each week the pastor heralds the congregation with a blessing before we leave the shelter of the church and return to the lives we live outside the walls of that building. The blessing comes from Numbers 6:24-26 in the Bible:

“The LORD bless you and keep you; the LORD make his face shine on you and be gracious to you; the LORD turn his face toward you and give you peace.” 

I am deeply comforted each week as I listen to the words of this blessing spoken over me. I know that the original blessing was spoken by the priests over the Israelites when they were in the middle of a journey through the wilderness. These people were living a life of change and hardship that often brought about grief and sorrow and uncertainty. But in the middle of that wilderness, there was hope. In the middle of that wilderness was the promise that these difficult circumstances were only the middle of the journey, and that a wondrous destination still lay ahead. In the middle of that wilderness, the words of this blessing were spoken over them to remind them that God was with them always. 

When the very first Christmas was coming, Joseph was uncertain and anxious. He was nervous because the life he had planned had been interrupted and he did not know what to expect on the new path his life journey suddenly had taken. The book of Matthew records that an angel came to him in a dream in the middle of the time he was lamenting his unanticipated circumstances, and the angel said:

"’Joseph son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife, because what is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit. She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus, because he will save his people from their sins.’ All this took place to fulfill what the Lord had said through the prophet: ‘The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel—which means, God with us.'" -Matthew 1:22-23, NIV

Immanuel, the name of Jesus, literally means “God with us”. As we celebrate Christmas differently this year, how thrilling and how comforting it is to know that in the middle of my lamenting, in the middle of my struggle, in the middle of my unexpected journey - Jesus is here with me, and He promises not to leave me hopeless, but to faithfully bring me through to the completion where love wins out and mourning ends.

“And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished...”  -Philippians 1:6



The Waiting

“There is a life and there is a death, and there are beauty and melancholy between.” ~Albert Camus

Last year was filled with uneasiness for me... a sense that the world was always tilting, and no matter how I attempted to adjust my stance, I never could find a balanced position that allowed me to relax. When the life you are living is filled with uncertainty and hyper-vigilance, you become tired... I became tired - chronically, heavily, depressingly tired. I’d look around and feel overwhelmed by the veil that lay over my world. I’d look within and feel defeated by the circumstances that had been heaped there without my permission. I’d look up to God and feel like he was pre-occupied with whatever was happening just over my shoulder. And maybe he was... maybe God knew that I sensed what was behind me around the curve of the road, just out of sight, but close enough for me to feel the chill of its shadow reaching out ever longer and leaving me uneasy with the darkness it cast around itself.

In last few days of 2019, I finally ran out of road. As I turned and looked back at where I had been walking, I saw the shape of the shadow that had been behind me become sharpened in the light of the glaring truth. Finally, I saw clearly what I had been sensing all along. It was a shifting figure painted with someone else’s shame and deceit. It was hard to look at... even harder as I began to comprehend exactly what it was - unfortunately familiar, something which could never be unseen.

Everybody in this world experiences undeserved pain. It rips at your heart, pounds on your head, leaves your soul shaken. In a detached yet spiritual moment, the horror reminded me that Jesus had died from such an undeserved experience. And not surprisingly, the thought was not comforting. It was more of a disruptive awareness - like a train clattering down the tracks through the night with its horn blaring, and its dirty graffiti covered cars hanging onto each other by a mere coupling.

I know other people - friends, family - who have experienced deep pain this last year, too. A husband who shockingly died in a matter of unexpected moments at work. A violent seizure disrupting a peaceful night and announcing the previously unknown presence of a brain tumor. An estranged child becoming more deeply lost to her loving mother by her own hard-hearted intention. Such pain feels like a betrayal. It is trauma at its worst, wreaking havoc with our faith and with our families. Sometimes, all we can do in those moments where life betrays us is to suffer, exposed. We want to run away from the pain, yet somehow hold on to the precious thing shrouded inside of it that’s being ripped away. Our minds are at war with our hearts. Our faith is at war with our fear.

I could probably write in a bunch of right responses here - to pain, to fear, to traumatic upheavals. But sometimes, the right response is not the one that you would think. Sometimes, you have to be wild and scream and cry and pound your fists. Sometimes, you feel so fragile, that you need to lock yourself in a room for awhile and leave everyone else outside. Sometimes, you are so confused that next right thing to do waivers and swerves like a car out of control from one side of the road to the other. Sometimes, you feel like time is standing still, but then you realize that it’s actually you who is standing still. When you look around you’re shocked to realize all around that life goes on regardless, and the reality is, you’re forced to a point to go along with it.

I think that our inability to stop time from moving is the way that healing begins. It is a both a maddening and miraculous awareness. Before the horror and pain have even ended their barrage of mayhem in your life, the details of recovery are roused and engaged. The relationships in your circle begin to shift, and those with deepest significance, with the most soulful connections, begin to rise to the surface of your life, like cream in a jar of ice cold milk that has been left undisturbed overnight in the farmer’s kitchen. Suddenly, you realize that what you viewed as God’s pre-occupation while circumstances lined up to destroy your life, was not an abandonment at all. It was a patient waiting, a carefully orchestrated plan to ensure that what was meant to harm you, would in the end be used to help you. As your messed up life became separated into the before and after of the moment you became painfully aware of the circumstances that would change things forever, God had never taken his eyes off of you. Instead, he had allowed the cream to gather and rise, and even as you staggered under the suddenly too heavy weight of your crisis, he began to redistribute the burden of it. He ladled the cream from the top of the milk and began the process of turning it into beautiful new details whose possibilities had always existed in his plan, but could only arise through the process of separation.

As God has already begun to spread out the burden of my pain onto family and friends, I have felt a shift. While the ache is still there, so there is also a relief. I think that this past year of carrying this burden alone has both strengthened and weakened me. But I think there was purpose in the waiting. As the cream gathers to the top, so God had begun to gather my relationships and my life circumstances to a place where they would be ready for this time. As I became more and more weary of my burden, I became more and more ready to share it - not an easy task for an introverted independent woman like myself. And even as I am horrified and aching from pain, I am encouraged. Because when cream is whipped  and shaken and blended with other good ingredients, it becomes part of a number of delightful new creations - new and good gifts. Creations that are served to satisfy all on their own, as well as creations that enhance the flavor of other good gifts.

So, as I contemplate the pain that has risen in me, I also am shedding the veil that had covered my world. The future is becoming a bit brighter, although my vision of it is still cloudy. I’m okay with the uncertainty of it, however. Just before the moment of horror I have recently experienced, God caught my attention with this quote... “Honor the waiting. It teaches you the beauty and ache of hope in equal measure.” The beauty and the ache are both necessary in order to experience the miracle of hope. God has shown us that truth over and over from the beginning of time. Who am I to not be willing to sit down and rest with him after the grueling process, and enjoy the sweetness that comes in a dish of ice cream? There is nothing that can take away the precious hope that remains in me because of my strong faith in the good, good love of my Father God.

“But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.”
‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭40:31‬ ‭NLT‬‬

“Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.”
‭‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭13:12‬ ‭NLT‬‬

“Share each other’s burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ.”
‭‭Galatians‬ ‭6:2‬ ‭NLT‬‬

“They brought sleeping mats, cooking pots, serving bowls, wheat and barley, flour and roasted grain, beans, lentils, honey, butter, sheep, goats, and cheese for David and those who were with him. For they said, ‘You must all be very hungry and tired and thirsty after your long march through the wilderness.’”
‭‭2 Samuel‬ ‭17:28-29‬ ‭NLT‬‬

“Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord.”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭27:14‬ ‭NLT‬‬

“And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.”
‭‭Romans‬ ‭8:28‬ ‭NLT‬‬

“For the Lord is good. His unfailing love continues forever, and his faithfulness continues to each generation.”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭100:5‬ ‭NLT‬‬

“We know how much God loves us, and we have put our trust in his love. God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them.”
‭‭1 John‬ ‭4:16‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Purpose, Perspective, Politics, and Papa

My son told me he is going to vote tomorrow because his Papa (my dad) told him he should. I smiled because when I was young, I too voted because I knew my dad would call me up and ask, “Did you vote?” And, just like my son (kindred middle child spirit), I had this internal over-fondness of approval... especially from my dad - so when he called and asked me if I had voted, I wanted to be able to answer “yes” in order to hear that coveted “Good job!” from the other end of the phone. Almost 20 years later, I still make a habit of voting because I realize it pleases not only my earthly father, but my Heavenly Father as well. I vote because my perspective of the world is that of a woman who is a mom and a community member, and I believe that choosing a leader who reflects my perspective in those roles is important. A few years ago, I heard someone say, “The authenticity of your faith is connected to every aspect of your life.” The statement has stayed with me as I have faced situations every day that require difficult choices. I realize that each of those situations is an opportunity for me to be authentic and sincere in who I am and what I believe. I know that there are times when I fail to choose the right thing. I know that those times are most often when I choose to do the selfish thing. But, I also know that there are many times that I choose with integrity. Those are the moments that I want to stretch over into all areas of my life. I know that those moments of integrity have been modeled for me by my dad for a lifetime. I pray that God influences my own children through me in the same way He has influenced my life through my parents. In the meantime, I’m happy my son is choosing to vote tomorrow. And even if his motives are more self-centered than right-minded at this point, I am proud of him. I have confident hope that as he continues to experience life, and as he encounters more and more opportunity to make hard choices, he will also continue to grow in his ability to choose with a bigger perspective... to choose with insight and integrity. How fortunate we all are to have the opportunity to do better every day... Happy Election Day!

“But you, O Lord, will sit on your throne forever. Your fame will endure to every generation... Long ago you laid the foundation of the earth and made the heavens with your hands. They will perish, but you remain forever; they will wear out like old clothing. You will change them like a garment and discard them. But you are always the same; you will live forever. The children of your people will live in security. Their children’s children will thrive in your presence.”

‭‭- Psalms‬ ‭102:12, 25-28‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Lost

Yesterday was the birthday of our oldest adopted son. I didn’t celebrate out loud. I didn’t celebrate with joy. I didn’t celebrate with him. In my heart, I remembered the impish smile that was often on his face from the day we first met. In my heart, I also remembered how that playful expression would at times become anxious as he fixated on imaginary other-worlds. I think his fantasies were born out of loss... loss of people and places that in reality, no one should have to mourn. His loss has been magnified by the schizophrenic legacy of his birth family. Bit by bit through his young adulthood, our son has become lost in his loss. He has become lost to us, who are his adoptive family. He has become lost to his birth brother, who lived at his side for a lifetime. He has become lost to his friends, who he once reveled in the presence of. He has become lost, and as a result, we are now a reflection of his loss. It is not a reflection made up of regret. I don’t regret loving him. I don’t regret the space we invited him to fill in our family more than 21 years ago. Even now, when he has chosen to leave that space he once filled... I don’t regret the impression of him left behind. What we reflect are the reminders that he was once here. Our loss reminds us that he was actively loved. Our loss reminds us that even though he has turned away now - he has turned away as a stronger person for having been loved through his own greatest loss. Our loss reminds us of the loss our own Father God experiences when one of His children turns their back to Him. So, on our son’s birthday as I contemplated his life, I purposed to celebrate with gratitude... to be grateful that he is in a safe place, to be grateful for the many memories of our time with him that bring smiles to all of our faces, to be grateful for the opportunity to learn to love someone through difficult circumstances and even through loss, and for the strength that lesson has grown in us as a family. CS Lewis wrote, “Love is never wasted, for its value does not rest on reciprocity.” I know these words are true.

Yesterday was the birthday of our son. I am grateful for him, and I celebrate his life in my heart. 

More of this story:

http://ofwildernessandrockyplaces.blogspot.com/2016/?m=0

“Real religion, the kind that passes muster before God the Father, is this: Reach out to the homeless and loveless in their plight...”

‭‭James‬ ‭1:27‬a ‭MSG‬‬

Love Rises

My mom and dad have what is surely the best example I know of what an enduring marriage relationship looks like. When I look at their relationship with each other, I see that the strength that holds them together is the inclusion of God. I love the quote by Tennessee Williams, "The violets in the mountains have broken the rocks." Those words paint a miraculous picture of the fragile thing overcoming the hard thing, of beauty and life surviving in the crevices of dark and difficult circumstances. I myself have experienced that marriage is not easy, especially in the face of the ongoing trauma that surrounds having a family member with extensive medical issues. My parents have experienced those circumstances in their marriage, my younger brother having been born with a rare form of muscular dystrophy that compromised his physical health and development throughout his 22 years of life. The experience of chronic trauma in our family was compounded by the additional heartbreak of my brother’s death. My parents’ response to such difficulty and sorrow always has taught me well about the paradox of suffering. They showed me that the pain of suffering brings about the gift of learning to love with no regrets, and learning to limit your focus to the most important things in life. My mom and dad’s example has helped me to understand that the very thing that feels like it is threatening to tear a family apart, can actually be a catalyst that brings deep unity to that family instead. Their example of faith has shown me that by choosing to trust God in circumstances that are unthinkably terrible, I am allowing him the opportunity to turn what seems tragic into something more beautiful than I could ever have imagined. In their marriage, my parents allowed God to carry them to places where they surely never would have chosen to go on their own. They have trusted God through many situations which anyone could not possibly choose to embrace, and which many people would even bitterly say called for resentment. Yet, here they are today, truly living in gratitude for the dark valleys they have journeyed through. Here they are today, privileged to experience a glimpse of a present and a future that is not framed by the lack of what they have lost, but rather by the love of what they have grown. I know that their love today does not exist because they have spent the last 50 years gazing at themselves, or even at each other. I know that their love exists today because over the last 50 years, they have consistently chosen together to look in the direction of God. I am so thankful for their example that the most important thing a husband and a wife can do in their marriage relationship, is to cling to love for God and for each other. My parent’s marriage and their lives are truly evidence that love will always rise when given the opportunity.

“And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”

‭‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭13:13‬ ‭NIV‬‬

"...I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, 'My Grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness'"

2 Corinthians 12:8b-9a NIV

Legacy of Imperfection

The family I grew up in? The family I grew up in was as imperfect of a family as the next one. I say this, confident in my opinion that there are no perfect families in the world. The family I grew up in still exists - although with missing pieces, with holes patched up, with repurposed parts.

“Everyone needs compassion

A love that's never failing

Let mercy fall on me...”

My family was gifted with a legacy of love, but even though we were given that gift, we all struggle with carrying it at times. My mom and dad are tired, and yet they never give up on finishing the journey they began. My brother and I are incomplete, yet multiplied, all at the same time. We are missing a sibling, but have each acquired a spouse and children. We have increased in love, but (like all human beings) we hold on to a measure of selfishness, we hoard a portion of pride, and we are defeated by our own sensitivities. When those faults threaten to crack the foundation of our legacy, it’s important to remember that this day and this moment and this conflict are fleeting, but our family remains our family forever.

“Everyone needs forgiveness

The kindness of a Savior

The hope of nations...”

The legacy we were given is still with us, and many more hands have touched its surface... some gently caressing it, some powerfully supporting it, some clawing at it to take pieces for themselves. Our own children are connected to it, and just as is true for us, those connections mean that the paths they each choose to walk have all started at the original point of this legacy. This means that every stumble jars, every new direction stretches, and every heir added is cause for a shift in our balance.

“So take me as You find me

All my fears and failures

And fill my life again...”

Each one of us is challenged by our struggles, by our limited perspectives, by our imperfections. Some of us are challenged to let go and move over before reaching out to grasp a new area. Some of us are challenged to stay the course, and hold on right where we have been standing the whole time. Some of us are challenged to connect in ways that respectfully grow the legacy, rather than harshly force it to change. Some of us are challenged to find where we belong at all. However, all of us must recognize that surrendering our challenges to the One who can save us from their consequences is the only way to experience the gift that the legacy truly is - a gift of joy and of acceptance, a gift of forgiveness and of grace, a gift of hope and of trust, a gift of peace and of love...

“I give my life to follow

Everything I believe in

And now I surrender.”

...a legacy of love made perfect in imperfection.

“Savior, He can move the mountains

My God is mighty to save

He is mighty to save

Forever author of salvation

He rose and conquered the grave

Jesus conquered the grave.”

“The LORD your God in your midst, The Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.”

‭‭Zephaniah‬ ‭3:17‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

“Concerning this thing, I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me. And He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”

‭‭II Corinthians‬ ‭12:8-9‬ ‭NKJV‬‬



Essence Explored

There is an old folk hymn titled “I Wonder As I Wander.” I am through and through a wonderer. I wonder about everything as I wander through my life. Sometimes, it feels like my brain is an arcade game stuck on “jackpot”, and the never ending pay out is in questions instead of tokens. Some of these questions involve an ongoing self-assessment and re-assessment that attempts to categorize who I am. I’m not sure how often other people do this, but I continually find myself examining who I am on different days, in different situations. Many times, I’m defining my role or my boundaries in certain circumstances or with certain people. Do I need to be guarded? Can I be relaxed? Sometimes, I’m trying to see myself through someone else’s eyes and shaping my own response based on what I think they see. Is this person needing some encouragement from me? Did that person just give me the cold shoulder? These types of self-assessments are the simple ones, semi-transient, and happen almost subconsciously among the other thoughts filling my head.

In my quiet, more complicated moments, when my mind can focus on processing those simple assessments I’ve collected, I pause and try to glimpse my essence. Essence is the intrinsic nature or indispensable quality of something that determines what it is. My essence defines who I am as a total person. My essence is my soul. I believe the biblical truth which tells me that as a human being, I am created in the image of God. Who I am made to be is ultimately meant to be a reflection of Him. 

I think this means that even when I wander away from God, even when I’m too focused on myself, the potential remains for my essence to reflect Him... He’s still there, He still loves me, He doesn’t disappear. It’s me who is wandering away from Him.  I separate myself from Him when I live focused on myself - such as when I am consumed with despair over my suffering, or when I am lost in the guilt of my sin. There is a hopelessness that begins to infiltrate me when I wander away from God that feels like an empty yearning. My essence is changed without Him, and I begin to reflect that hopelessness that is seeping into me. In my experience, who I am when I’m separated from God is distracted, desperate, lonely, wounded, lost. When my essence is defined by this painful state of hopelessness, there is in me a longing for relief. Having much experience with the ridiculously human habit of making the same mistakes over and over, I do now realize that relief can only be had in the presence of transforming love and grace that is found in the essence of Jesus Christ. I know that the key to moving away from hopelessness is to shift my focus from the element of my self, and intentionally move my mind towards the catalyst of Jesus, who changes my essence.

Sometimes, I wander away from God when I suffer. When someone in my family is sick or hurting or has lost themselves in confusion, when our finances are constantly tight and there’s always another vehicle repair to pay for, when my head aches for two days or I feel completely exhausted and sleep doesn’t relieve it, when someone speaks lies about me or someone doesn’t speak to me at all... suffering can hi-jack my focus in those instances and deceive me. I wander away, withdrawing into myself, severing connections, and neglecting nourishment of my soul. Suffering leaves wounds... hurting, vulnerable places which I cannot always take care of on my own. The amazing truth is, however, that it is through these very wounds that Jesus can enter my life. In order for that to happen, though, I have to stop running away to nurse them myself, and intentionally move towards Him, seeking His help. His soothing touch and healing love can then attend to my brokenness and begin to soften my despair into hope, and focus me on God once again. 

Sometimes, I wander from God as a result of my own sinfulness. In those situations, I am willfully moving away from Him and focusing on choices that do not reflect His character, and that distance begins to change my essence. Who I am without Him becomes exposed, and my selfishness is then apparent. Without God, sin rules my life, and leaves me hopeless, lost, and desperate. But, I know that if I humble myself and come back and expose my broken parts to God, that the blood of Jesus Christ will cover my sin... seep into it. The mercy of Jesus transforms my hopelessness with grace, and turns my despair into hope. Jesus changes my essence.

My wonderings and my wanderings have shown me that the most hopeful place for me is to be held in the hands of God. At times, the Bible refers to God as The Potter. When He holds my life in His hands, He can transform me with the love He’s given me in His son, Jesus Christ. The Bible tells me that Jesus offers living water. As it enters my soul, He refreshes me, brings life to me. The living water of Jesus Christ quenches my thirst. I absorb His healing touch completely, and as He continues to fill me, His love can overflow onto the people walking near me in my life. As I am filled with the living water of Christ, the Potter shapes my heart for the purpose of holding and pouring out His love and for loving Him in return. My soul was created to be saturated with Him and reflect the beauty of His love. I know, though, that my essence will only remain saturated with Jesus if I consciously choose every day to be near Him. The more I focus on staying near and asking God to fill me with the things HE wants for my life, the more tenderhearted I become. The fruit I can bear from His nourishment is gentle and good. 

These days as my mind wonders, I intentionally remind myself to not wander away. I remind myself to take care to maintain my faith, and to remain close to Jesus in relationship and prayer. I find more and more that when wondering lures my mindset to wander away from Him, I recognize sooner the shadow that falls over me. The shadow is cold and whispers of the dark despair of my life when I’m separated from God. My remembrances of that hopeless place incites a desire in me to remain together with Him. I know that if I don’t intentionally stay close, I am being careless with my life, allowing my wondering to lead me to put the majority of my focus and attention on the world’s messages and values. In that mindset, my faith will easily become distorted, and eventually I will wander even further away, and become confused. I don’t want to wander away. I value my life near God, in Christ, and I want to remain saturated in His love. I am thankful that He continually holds out His hand of grace to me, beckoning me to come near, and to fill my essence with Him.

Essence

Water and earth      
melt into clay      
beneath prismatic arc      
of sun and of rain      
     
Once arid and parched      
the dust has known thirst      
yearning for rain      
from sky forth to burst      
     
Trickles of rust -      
a medium forms      
from broken hard land      
now softened by storms      
     
Hands of a potter      
enfolding the new      
this clay that is one      
where there once had been two      
     
Two elements strong      
a mingled duet      
blended together      
to become what was meant      
     
Melted together      
essence embraced      
absorbing each other      
long more than for sate      
     
A vessel is shaped      
concave at the heart      
existing for purpose      
delighted as art...      
     
Calls to be filled      
desires to hold      
to curve around gently      
soft edges rolled      
     
A vessel, caressed      
sculpted with care      
light shines from the hollow      
exposed to the air      
     
This new form is fragile      
its memory fresh      
with original thought      
of each piece, separate    
   
Easily shattered    
by foot or by hand    
by careless intention    
may scatter in sand    
     
But, wholly together      
two remain one      
rain prismatic light      
from within, reflect sun    

LS 3/30/18  
     
     
“But now, O Lord, you are our Father; we are the clay, and you are our potter; we are all the work of your hand.”      
‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭64:8‬ ‭ESV‬‬      
     
“We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves.”      
2 Corinthians‬ ‭4:7‬ ‭NLT‬‬‬‬      
     
“You water its furrows abundantly, settling its ridges, softening it with showers, and blessing its growth.”      
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭65:10‬ ‭ESV‬‬

“But the person who is joined to the Lord is one spirit with him.”

‭‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭6:17‬ ‭NLT

“For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.”

‭‭Ephesians‬ ‭2:10‬ ‭NLT‬‬

“I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.”

‭‭Romans‬ ‭15:13‬ ‭NLT

“Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.”

‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭4:23‬ ‭NLT

“I have loved you even as the Father has loved me. Remain in my love.”

‭‭John‬ ‭15:9‬ ‭NLT

“Hold on to the pattern of wholesome teaching you learned from me—a pattern shaped by the faith and love that you have in Christ Jesus. Through the power of the Holy Spirit who lives within us, carefully guard the precious truth that has been entrusted to you.”

‭‭2 Timothy‬ ‭1:13-14‬ ‭NLT

“For God, who said, ‘Let light shine out of darkness,’ has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.”

‭‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭4:6‬ ‭ESV