Waiting for Christmas

I am snuggled up to a heating pad in the living room, soothing my achy hipbone which is bruised from a fall on the ice three weeks ago. Our Christmas tree is lit up with its oversized bulbs softly glowing, each branch heavy with homemade treasures and cartoonish themed store-bought ornaments placed haphazardly by the kids last week. They were thrilled this fun tree was given the place of honor between the dining and living rooms. Usually, that space is occupied by this Mama’s fancy tree hung with white miniature lights and dressed in beautifully crocheted ornaments accented with glass blown icicles. Most often, the fun tree has been confined to the family room. But this year, the fun tree is the centerpiece of our indoor Christmas decorating. We also have an imitation “elf on the shelf” who hangs out in our bathroom (so that she doesn’t become lost or forgotten in the chaos of a house where six children reside). Our stockings are hung from cup hooks in the kitchen (with care… of course, with care!) and a three and half foot stuffed Santa is gracing our family room couch at the moment because my goofy kid-hearted husband thinks it’s “cool” (which it is... in a cheezy North Pole kind of way!)

I feel completely at peace about our haphazard decor this year… an interesting perspective when I consider the untouched tower of bins in the corner of our garage holding a beautiful nutcracker collection, a wooden advent calendar, antique Christmas dishes, a precious carved nativity set, Christmas themed picture books, framed photos of holidays past, and an entire Christmas village. These, and a few other family Christmas heirlooms have been collected over our twenty plus years of marriage. Traditionally, after eleven months of waiting each year, we bring these Christmas items out to replace our everyday home decor which, in turn is packed up in the empty bins for the holiday month. Usually, it doesn't seem like Christmas until the house is prepared, but this year, it just was not a feat that we could accomplish. And it’s okay! Because like I wrote in my last post, I am learning this year, for maybe truly the first time ever, what it means to prepare my heart for Christmas.

In years past, I didn’t think a whole lot about Christmas during the eleven months between one December and the next (other than buying an occasional gift on clearance and throwing it in the back of the closet). December would come, the decorations would go up, and I would attempt to focus my thoughts on the birth of Jesus, and what that meant for me. There were definitely moments where I connected with the emotion of the story - like the year I was nine months pregnant with my son, whose due date was two weeks after Christmas. That year, I identified with the heavy weariness of Mary… I felt significant compassion for this young girl 2000 years earlier who was required to travel so far under such barbaric conditions - cold and wracked with labor pains, no place to lay down and rest - let alone to birth a baby! But the empathy of that moment or other fleeting ones similar, did not really fill the longing in my heart for a total awareness and understanding of the meaning of Christmas as the celebration came and went each year. I mean, I knew why we were celebrating Christmas. I knew we were honoring the birth of Jesus. I knew we were showing gratitude to the Father for the gift of the Son. I knew that part of the celebration was reflected in the activities we chose to involve ourselves in such as giving to charities or participating in church events. However, the connection I experienced with the meaning was temporary, fleeting - not even close to the confluence of the event with its personal relevance to me that I somehow knew could exist.

But this year, this year! This year I believe I have discovered what I have been yearning for every Christmas for as long as I can remember. What I have come to understand is that Christmas is about the preparation of my heart that requires more than the hour of the Christmas Eve Service, more than the month of December when the world dictates we focus on Christmas. Christmas is about the process of preparing my heart for Christ that occurs the whole year through. It is about the relationship I am building with Jesus my whole life through!

I have spent the last year in relationship with Jesus in a way I have never experienced before. I have explored my Bible daily at the least, more often even several times throughout a day, searching the words that have come from my God, listening for the ones which are speaking to my heart at that moment, choosing ones to use in my prayers as I have grasped on to God's promises and direction. As I have meditated on His words, I have spoken or written my own back to Him- questioning Him, thanking Him, appealing to Him, praising Him, and even pouring out my anger, disappointment, or despair to Him. Rarely has an hour gone by that I have not found myself commenting to God. Rarely has a week gone by that I have not found myself either crying to God or sharing the good things in my life with Him. And I have not limited the subject of our conversations to myself, but have also spent time bringing my husband, my family, my friends, my acquaintances, and even strangers whose circumstances take my notice - all of these I have brought to God in prayer.

God has revealed so much more of Himself to me during this year, than I have ever experienced of Him before. He has been patient with my hesitency to always trust Him. He has been forgiving of my stubborn attempts to override Him when I ignorantly wanted my own way. He has comforted me in so many different ways when all I could do was cry. God has been everything to me this year that I have needed, every time that I have been willing to allow Him to be.

Most significant of all, is what God has done for me this past year by allowing me to remain in a season of waiting... even when I didn't want to wait (which I am ashamed to say has been the case more often then not). After an entire year spent in this time of waiting, what I am finally just beginning to discover is that the waiting is a gift! God has opened my eyes, and I now can see that it is in the waiting time that He prepares me for what is coming next! Because I have invested so much time during this past year in my relationship with Him, I have learned, repetitively, that I need to consciously surrender to Him my need for control, and to trust Him to prepare me in His best possible way for what is ahead. I see that when I am more often able to come to that place of surrender, I can more often choose to wait with hope and with expectancy, with grace and with a good attitude, with patience and with faith. This is how I prepare my heart for Christmas!

In the book The Blessed Woman, the author refers to the story of Rebekah in the Old Testament, specifically to Rebekah's attitude in waiting…“In the meantime, she would meet the need at hand. She’d take the opportunity the Lord had given her.” I want very much to have that attitude of waiting that Rebekah had.  

All year, I have consciously moved closer to Jesus. During this time He has shown me opportunity after opportunity in the waiting time to serve other people, to pray for other people, to listen to other people. He has shown me that as I prepare my heart to receive Him, He prepares my heart to follow Him. This Christmas, I believe I finally understand that celebrating the birth of Jesus is about the anticipation. 

For Mary and Joseph, it was about the anticipation of the details surrounding the actual birth. 

For the shepherds, it was about the anticipation of seeing with their own eyes the miraculous news which the magnificent angel had shared with them. 

For the wisemen, it was about the anticipation of the destination the star was leading them to and the possibility of worshipping this King whom the prophets for hundreds of years had written was coming. 

For me, celebrating the birth of Jesus is about the anicipation of what God will do next in my life. 

I am now, more than ever, aware of and amazed at all of the miracles that came together surrounding the birth of Jesus on that first Christmas night. Because of this last year of intentionally trying to remain in a consistently close relationship with Him, I am now more aware that His birth as a human on the first Christmas, is precisely the miracle that allows Him to relate to exactly who I am today - everything I feel, everything I fear, everything I desire - nothing is hidden or below His understanding of me. The life of Jesus born human at Christmas is the most amazing gift God could have ever blessed me with because His gift of life is what has saved my life. His gift of life has made me realize the value of my life. His gift of life has allowed me to wait in anticipation for what He will do next, and to know with everything I am, that whatever He is planning, I can trust that it will occur in His perfect timing for me.

This Christmas and throughout this next year, I will wait with God in anticipation for what is ahead. Even though I know that the waiting time is sometimes difficult and at times, even painful, I also know the joy that comes with being near to God. Waiting with God in anticipation of the best things that lay beyond the challenging things... that is the meaning of Christmas!

Breathe Peace

Here at our house, our family's Christmas tree is not yet decorated, even the strings of lights are lying in a jumble under the bare tree branches. No Christmas cookies have been baked so far, although there are crumbs on the counter from ones that Grandma brought a few days ago. Our house is not prepared inside for Christmas - but that's okay, because we are learning that the Advent season is more about preparing the inside of our hearts. This month, my family and I and our stubborn hearts, are being given many opportunities to learn patience for doing things as we can and for letting go, in peace, of what we can't. We are learning to appreciate time together, even when things are not going right,(which is much of the time... so obviously, we must need a lot of practice!)

Today, we were running late for church as usual - some of us too focused on being ready for the Children's Christmas Program to notice the minutes flying by, all of us not morning people and thinking more about our pillows than our clocks. After three attempts at hollering down the stairs, my tone carried enough urgency to motivate my drowsy troupe into waiting in the car. I returned to the bathroom mirror alone and awkwardly twisted my arm behind my back in an attempt to finish zipping my dress with a reach just shy of effective. Finally, I paused with frustration at my struggling reflection, looked into the mirror, and breathed deliberately. I reminded myself (as I often do) to quiet my heart and allow calm in, to open myself to peace. After all, the unchangeable truth is that God is still God, even if we're late for church! 

A short time later (feeling encouraged by my one last determined and successful effort to conquer the elusive dress zipper), I pulled our vehicle into the church parking lot. We surreptiously slipped in a side door of the building to avoid friendly greeters at the front who might absorb minutes of smiles and small-talk that we did not have available to invest at the moment. (But usually, we are glad to feel very welcomed by the greeters!) Releasing a sigh with my dwindling tension, I nudged my own kids and a few other stragglers to find their groups that would be lining up for their performance entry soon. Then I deftly navigated a path to a familiar seat as the church service unfolded. With a spirit of expectation, I settled in, all the while reflecting on the many past years of enjoying my kids' Christmas performances.

What I was thinking about in particular, as I waited, was how the holiday children's pageants at church are truly about the reality of what Christmas means. We moms and dads watch with wonder and bated breath, straining our necks to glimpse our kids celebrating the gift of the Baby Jesus. Older church attendees chuckle affectionately at the crooked halos, beam at our little ones' earnest efforts to sing out the joyful notes, lean forward as Mary and Joseph debate in nervous whispers whether it is time yet to hold up the well-loved doll representing the newborn King. Sometimes, a few tears are shed as a nervous child's heart longs for the comfort of her father's arms over the spotlight of overwhelming attention amid the crowd on the stage. Sometimes, the tears are those of the audience as each observer shares a common joy in the faith of a child displayed. All of the bits and pieces of the moments we observe are highly treasured and pondered on altars of love.


Christmas pageants remind us that as a baby, Jesus was born into an imperfect world. He was a precious gift given with unconditional love by our Father in heaven to us, His children on earth. He was the gift of a Savior from our Father God, who gazes affectionately at us as we fumble about, experiencing life and the organized chaos surrounding us... who smiles with pleasure whenever we choose to graciously bring our joy to Him and recognize the good things He daily blesses us with... whose heart aches with ours when we struggle with pain or shed tears over the exacting circumstances that happen in separation from Him... who fills us with peace over the miracle of it all, when we realize that all of this imperfection only makes the beauty of our story shine that much more brightly.

God fills us with peace over the miracle of it all, when we realize that all of this imperfection only makes the beauty of our story shine that much more brightly. 

Later on at home, my heart is soothed by the peace and the joy that God pours over me when I contemplate the gifts He has for me even just in these evening moments  - the sounds of my family teasing each other as we finally come together and hang the colorful, vintage sized Christmas lights on the tree... the happy reminiscing that occurs while old ornaments are mingled among a few new and distributed with affection among heavy laden tree branches...the quietness that comes upon me as I breathe in and breathe out again, watching those I love most in the world illustrate in their actions the same gladness that I feel playing on my own lips...  breathing in the peace that is present.

When the little ones are asleep, my thoughts return one more time to our church service that morning - to the compelling message that our knowledgeable senior pastor shared with us after the pageant. He expressed that the peace of Christmas which we experience today manifests as a peace within ourselves. We come by it when we invite God to place His peace within us, even when there is not peace around us. God's peace for today, is an inner rest, a freedom from anxiety, from worry and despair. This peace is a gift that is available from God for each of us, and all that we have to do to receive it is to trust in Him. I know that for myself, I find that the more difficult my life gets, the more I need to deliberately focus my trust on what God has promised me. Author A.W.Tozer wrote,  "To have found God and still to pursue Him is the soul's paradox of love." I can understand Tozer's curious premise as I, too, have discovered that the more I focus on trusting God, the more peace I receive. The more peace I receive, the more I focus on trusting God. He has blessed me with the present of His presence in my present - with the gift of His peace in my life on this day.

Later still, as I lay in my own bed, I consider the additional gifts God has given to me lovingly wrapped within the walls of my church - the friendships, the lessons, the support, the joy, the security, the encouragement, the prayers... I think about how these gifts, as God has meant them,  are living and growing and powerful gifts, colored with the potential and the intention to spill out of the wrappings, beyond the church building, into my life and community, and even into the world!

I am praying that each one of you reading these words will open your heart to receive God's gift of peace during this Christmas season, and that you will continue to seek Him in all of life's seasons that follow. 

"You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you!
(Isaiah 26:3 NLT) 

May God give you more and more grace and peace as you grow in your knowledge of God and Jesus our Lord. 

(2 Peter 1:2) 

For a child is born to us, a son is given to us. The government will rest on his shoulders. And he will be called: Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. 

(Isaiah 9:6 NLT) 

I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.” 
(John 16:33 NLT) 

“Don’t let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust also in me. 

(John 14:1 NLT) 

I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit. 

(Romans 15:13 NLT) 

And just as they were telling about it, Jesus himself was suddenly standing there among them. “Peace be with you,” he said. 

(Luke 24:36 NLT) 

Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. 

(Philippians 4:7 NLT) 

And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts

(Colossians 3:15 NLT) 

So letting your sinful nature control your mind leads to death. But letting the Spirit control your mind leads to life and peace. 

(Romans 8:6 NLT)

Until Then, Choose Gratitude

When a gardener plants a flower bulb, she has a vision in mind of the promise of the bloom that will in time grow from that seed. The gardener understands that there is a season for a bulb to remain buried in the dirt, protected from the ice and the wind and the cold while remaining blind to the sun and its light. 

I have been thinking considerably about what it means to be grateful. What I am coming to believe is that gratitude is a concept that encompasses so much more than saying “I'm thankful”. Gratitude is truly valuing the experience, the person, the action, the object - truly valuing the intentions God has for bringing a circumstance into my life. For me, my response to a circumstance affects my ability to find that value. When I respond to a circumstance by choosing to trust God's intention is good, I am showing that I find value in his faithfulness. Attaching that value to a circumstance allows me to have a grateful attitude even when what God has brought me to does not appear to be overtly desirable in my limited perspective.

Gratitude is truly valuing the intentions God 
has for bringing a circumstance into my life.

The gardener knows that eventually, after a time of waiting, there comes a season for the bulb to release the bud, for the bud to break out of the shell that has protected it for a time, and for the shell to become a part of the root system that supports new growth. There comes a season when the nourishment of light from the sun and of moisture from the rain is necessary to the life of the tender young plant. In each of these seasons and with each of these processes, these elements are unpredictable and uncontrolled by the gardener. She must trust that the season appointed for the miracle of the flower blooming is ideal for its growth, despite a dependency on factors not foreseeable at the time of the planting. 

It seems like I am forever balancing on a seesaw of emotion. Wonderful news, heartbreaking news, amazing news, desperate news. At times, I feel weak as I watch the fray of the strings I’ve attached to the circumstances which I find acceptable or comfortable. In my self-centered way, I long to keep life safe, peaceful, controllable. However, in my weakness, I realize that my mere human point of view is limited and incomplete. 

Each day, the gardener tends to the flower, supplementing it with water and with fertilizer as needed in order to support survival and ultimately, the blooming of the plant. One day, after seasons of patient waiting, after days of careful tending, and after faithful persevering through unpredictable weather, the beautiful bloom of the flower appears in all of its magnificent glory.

I know in my heart, if I choose to walk away from the difficult things, if I choose to to walk away from the waiting times - then I am choosing to walk away from the blessings that the processes of the waiting and the enduring will lead me to. I believe in the hope of those blessings because I know God is faithful in his plans of goodness, that he sees the picture of the entire garden in bloom and the beauty in each growth process that leads to that splendor. Still, the toil of the meantime and my limited view of the mud surrounding me challenge my attitude of hope and my ability to value a splendor I cannot yet see.

the toil of the meantime and 

my limited view of the mud surrounding me challenge my attitude of hope 

and my ability to value a splendor I cannot yet see

To patiently wait for the seasons to pass, for the rain to fall, and for the sun to shine are difficult but valuable parts of the growing process. Life is not easy or certain, even in the middle of living God's will. At times, I want to hurry this process along or skip it altogether. At times, I focus only on myself and begin to believe the lie that I deserve to be happy and appeased at all times, that I am entitled to ease, and that avoiding adversity would solve all of my problems. At times, I focus on the life of someone else, and I am deceived by the thought that circumstances other than my own would lead to a better harvest than the one I am struggling for. When I allow my mind to linger on these thoughts, I am choosing not to find the value of the truth. I am choosing to disregard gratitude and instead to believe lies that leave me wallowing in virulent conditions which cultivate bitterness, lead me to despair, and abandon me in darkness.

the painful process of growing 

is a part of the blessing of harvest

Instead of searching for an escape or for an excuse when I become discouraged and weary, I need to be reminded that God did not promise me ease. In fact, God is completely upfront with me in his Word, telling me that I will be tested and that I will feel persecuted by my circumstances, but that the painful process of growing is a part of the blessing of harvest. In the same scriptures, he encourages me that these are the circumstances I can and must endure through. These are the times that I must wait patiently in as he cultivates me to become the mature woman of faith he created me to be, to bloom as he has promised, to become more and more a reflection of Christ, and to harvest his best plan for my life. I need to believe in the the magnificent oasis of his truth, to choose the quiet joy of waiting at his feet for the sunshine and the rain, while being patient in the pruning and in the wind and in the drought. I need to choose to see the value of the process so that I can experience gratitude for the circumstances which bring me to God’s best.

So, here I am, my heart breaking with the pain of a child facing an uninvited future one thousand times more difficult than any he or I would have chosen for his life. Here I am, my heart breaking with the pain of a husband enduring an endless climb up a rocky mountainside covered with slippery slopes and isolating ledges, navigating a path that bears no resemblance to one we would have chosen to walk. Here I am, my heart breaking with the pain of a friend who is daily looking straight into the face of darkness as her arms and her soul protectively encircle two children who have sustained unimaginable horrors, yet, she remains faithfully exposed with them to preposterous situations that she would never have chosen to bring them to. These are just some of the circumstances that surround me and press in on me and call out for me to turn away from the waiting, shriek at me to protect my heart, taunt me to give up on persevering through the unknown. It is excruciating at times to find value in these circumstances that are not what I would have chosen for myself or for these that I love. In this difficulty and in this pain are where I must recognize that God is the one who has chosen, and therefore, the value lies in his purpose, in his ultimate plan for goodness and victory, in his promise that these choices that require us to wait and to suffer and to endure will absolutely with all certainty lead us to a time when we will view our struggles in hindsight as the blink of an eye.

I believe that one day, I will be able to value fully these circumstances that are leading me to a place where God will wipe every tear from my eyes, and where there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain, and where all of these things will be gone forever. Until then, I will faithfully plant the seeds God gives me. Until then, I will look to God in expectation to provide the sun and the rain and the resources I need to patiently endure the waiting time and the seasons that remain before the harvest. Until then, I will make every effort to choose to live in gratitude and with joy by valuing the promise that lies beyond the growing time instead of believing the deception that I am entitled to ease and gratification in the here and now.

Until then...

“Dear brothers and sisters, be patient as you wait for the Lord’s return. Consider the farmers who patiently wait for the rains in the fall and in the spring. They eagerly look for the valuable harvest to ripen. You, too, must be patient. Take courage, for the coming of the Lord is near.” James 5:7-8

“‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ says the Lord. ‘They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.’” Jeremiah 29:11

“He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.” Revelation 21:4

Remnants of Hope

It's the middle of the night... or, the wee hours of the morning, depending on your perspective, I guess. I am frowning at a note I wrote in reponse to Anne Frank's musings about seven months ago...

“I can shake off everything as I write; my sorrows disappear, my courage is reborn.” ― Anne Frank 

Okay Anne Frank, I am taking your advice once again... sitting here in the dark sorting out my thoughts with my fingers on a back-lit keyboard. The seven other people whom reside in this house are asleep, leaving me to conversations in my mind with names that appear in my overcrowded AOL inbox, across my neverending Facebook feed, inside the e-books of my Kindle app, and between the random observations tweeting through the home page of my Twitter account.

I am thinking about what I would like to tell God - that I am tired of enduring, of waiting, of trusting. I would like to tell Him that I am doing everything that I have found in my path, and that I am ready to move to the next part of life, because being in this part for one more day cannot possibly accomplish anything more than it already has. I would like to ask Him what it is that I am doing wrong, so that I can get it right and come to the end of this waiting...

Seven months later, I am still here, weary... still tired of the enduring... way over the waiting... and in a neverending struggle with the trusting. If I were not forced to be here by my circumstances, would I stay here in this place that feels somewhat like suspended animation? Would I endure if I had a simple option not to? Would I wait if there were a "rush delivery" available to fix all of my problems? Am I actually even trusting like I think I am supposed to? When people say things like, "I don't know how you do it," my inner voice replies, "Do I even know how?", because I really do not think that I do. I think perhaps that God keeps me here in this place in my life, and that He may be the one doing the enduring... patiently waiting for me to finally learn the lessons He has for me, to somehow grasp the wisdom He offers. Maybe He is graciously allowing me to develop the strength and self control to make the choices on my own to trust and endure and to wait for the good things, even if suddenly I were faced with deceptively lovely options that would lead me down a different path than the one He knows is the best for me. Maybe, just maybe, what might appear to me as being restrained by my circumstances from progressing forward is actually the reality of me being held in the arms of God my Father to protect me from a world that I am not yet ready for.

As my mind wanders over these complicated thoughts tangled throughout my drowsy head, I think of another quote I recently read...

“Events may be horrible or inescapable, but people have always a choice - if not whether, then how, they may endure.”
― Lois McMaster Bujold

And perhaps Lois is right. It is true that I may not be choosing to endure at this point in my life, I may simply be enduring because a bit like the way the apostle Paul was physically imprisoned, God has not allowed me an escape from this emotional confinement. Even Paul from his prison cell said that always we have the choice of how to endure. Life and marriage and really, any relationship is about a constant adjusting and adapting of our attitudes and our perspectives of the things we find ourselves either in the midst of, or even just touched by the edge of.  

"Now your attitudes and thoughts must all be constantly changing for the better."
-Ephesians 4:23

I have spent the last six months trying to hang on to the hope we had been living with after my husband's surgery in the six months prior to those. I have spent the last ten weeks looking at the remnants of that hope as he left behind one treatment and moved towards something new.Yesterday, we held that new hope in our hands, afraid almost to see it, tentative in trusting that the something better that is to come could possibly be here. Yet, I do hope... because I am confident that no matter my lability of attitude and no matter my struggle to always comprehend the process, my God is always perfect and always loving and always kind. Because of that confidence in His goodness, I can hope for good things, even not knowing with certainty when or how they will come. 

"Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see."-Hebrews 11:1

"So be truly glad! There is wonderful joy ahead, even though it is necessary for you to endure many trials for a while. These trials are only to test your faith, to show that it is strong and pure. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold -- and your faith is far more precious to God than mere gold. So if your faith remains strong after being tried by fiery trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world. You love him even though you have never seen him. Though you do not see him, you trust him; and even now you are happy with a glorious, inexpressible joy."
-1 Peter 1:6-8

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good. 

I invite you to hope along with us.

Restored

I personally, am a person who struggles with regret. At times, I have wished for second chances to make the perfect decisions. I am aware that my desire for revision comes from the pain and adversity I have faced as consequences to my failures. In living through circumstances which have, at times, come about directly or indirectly because of my foundering, I have slowly learned that recovery from misjudgement is possible. I have even discovered that recovery can be a sure thing, that restoration is promised to be complete when I go to the proper source of healing - to my powerful and compassionate God.

My desire for revision comes from the pain and adversity I have faced as consequences to my failures.

Sometimes, the most difficult part of turning to God and exposing my pain, is exposing the cause of my pain. The thought of making myself vulnerable, admitting my weaknesses - this unmasking, uncovering, unveiling - it is often terrifying... it is at times humiliating, harrowing, uncomfortable... and always, always it is hard! But, I have learned that this exposure is really the only way God is able to cover my aching failure with the salve of his graciousness. It is the only way God can fill my open wounds to overflowing with his goodness. It is the only way he can smooth my jagged scars with the warmth of his lovingkindness. 

In my convalescence, my submission to God's ministration is vital in allowing me to gain strength and restoration from his mercifulness. Each time I am broken, as I begin to recover, I know that I must also take time to listen to his plan for my continual and progressing wellness. Often, I am familiar with the therapies he recommends: to focus on loving those around me, to live in such a way that I am surrounded in peace... and more recently, my attention is brought intently to the life-giving habits of faithfulness and of integrity. 

The values of faithfulness and integrity are often dissociated with love and with peace in the society that we live in. However, if I listen carefully to what God is telling me, it becomes clear that character does not consist of parallel values from which I can pick and choose. Each attribute intersects with the next and the next. 

God has shown me that love cannot endure separately from faithfulness. I find again and again that it is impossible to truly love another person and then disregard or abandon them, even in the most difficult times. 1 Corinthians 13:7 says,"Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance." When I move away from faithfulness, I move away from love. When I move away from love, I move towards pain and adversity, and so begins again the cycle of regret.

It is impossible to truly love another person 

and then disregard or abandon them, 

even in the most difficult times.

Analogous to the converging principles of love and constancy, are peace and veracity. True peace can never sustain without inward integrity. My peace is not authentic if I defy God's purposes in obtaining it. Isaiah 32:17 in the NIrV Bible states it simply; "Doing what is right will bring peace and rest.When my people do that, they will stay calm and trust in the Lord forever."

"Doing what is right will bring peace and rest."

God can do something better than changing my circumstances - God can change me instead. When I allow myself to be altered, to be transformed, to be renewed, stirred, molded - then I am restored… restored - brought back to the person whom God had in mind when he conceived of me, to the person he created me to be in this time and in this place and in these circumstances... restored to his intendment who finds rest in his goodness, who thrives in his protection, who gains strength from his foundation… restored and made whole. When I am restored, then I can persevere and experience true love in faithfulness, true peace in integrity, true freedom from regret as I live and prosper and increase and shine and abound… abound - be filled to overflowing, be made rich beyond comprehension, be well supplied with a neverending resource… I will abound with the grace of God!

I will abound with the grace of God!

Unfailing love and truth have met together. Righteousness and peace have kissed!

Truth springs up from the earth, and righteousness smiles down from heaven.

Yes, the Lord pours down his blessings. Our land will yield its bountiful harvest.

Psalm 85:10-12

Then God stirred the hearts of the priests and the leaders of the tribes

to go to rebuild the Temple of the Lord.

Ezra 1:5

And blessed are those who wait and remain until the end…

As for you, go your way until the end. You will rest, and then at the end of the days,

you will rise again to receive the inheritance set aside for you.

Daniel 12:12-13

“Don’t be afraid,” he said, “for you are very precious to God.

Peace! Be encouraged! Be strong!”

As he spoke these words to me, I suddenly felt stronger…

Daniel 10:19

Put on your new nature, and be renewed 

as you learn to know your Creator and become like him.

Colossians 3:10

Beauty in the Broken

A broken tree does not heal. It's true - a tree does not replace wounded or broken fibers with new wood. Instead, the tree permits the broken part to die and the tree moves on, growing around the wound. The tree allows its wound to simply scar over and exist, like a flaw that is present but no longer acknowledged as actively significant.1

"All this pain

I wonder if I’ll ever find my way

I wonder if my life could really change at all.

All this earth

Could all that is lost ever be found

Could a garden come up from this ground at all"2

One year ago yesterday, my husband was undergoing brain surgery. I can look back in my heart and remember I was afraid. I can look back in my mind and remember I was hopeful. Most importantly, I can look at today and know that even though the road from that experience has been difficult, has been dark, has been depressing - I can look at today and know that today is the one that matters.

Once a tree is injured, the wound will eventually become encased in a "knot", and new growth will simply begin on the perimeter of the wound where the healthy tree tissue is situated. Wounded trees can be freely observed most anywhere here in Northern Wisconsin.1 The "knot" of the wound is just a part of the tree. A tree steadily continues growing around its wound and moves on from it over a period of time.

A tree steadily continues growing 

around its wound and moves on from it over a period of time.

I look at my husband today, and I can see the faint scar that has formed over the four inch surgical incision that was made on the day of his brain surgery a year ago. I know that underneath, the physical malformation is still present. I know that a highly skilled and trustworthy surgeon applied a patch to passively prevent the anatomical defect from causing further damage as life goes on.

The knot in the tree is not a healed wound. It is a flaw, an imperfection, a part of the tree which essentially is not active - a scar. Yet, if the tree was able to recover properly with good support, whether natural or facilitated by a human, the existence of the knot will not cause more harm to the tree.1 

Sometimes wounds occur accidentally to a tree, but there are also times when a tree is cut intentionally, or pruned. The pruning is done for the purpose of health or for artistry. According to the Washington State University Extension, pruning of fruit trees is important to establish a firm structure, and to provide light channels throughout the tree so that the tree's fruit can mature well. It is important that a knowledgeable arborist does the pruning because improper cuts are potentially life-ending to a tree, while the correct ones will ensure the best access to sunlight so that an optimum harvest of fruit will result.3

The pruning is done for a purpose.

I see my husband in my memory of that day a year ago, in the hospital neurosurgery ICU - struggling to sit up, struggling to keep the world from spinning, struggling to tolerate the piercing invasive pain that had been inflicted with his own permission. What I remember most clearly, though, is the hope. The hope that sparked through the struggle, as we recognized a return of different physical aspects back to normal that had been suppressed by the compression of his brainstem for quite some time prior to the surgery. The hope that life was about to grow upward once again.

An arborist knows when and how and where to make pruning cuts on limbs, so that the tree has the best potential to close them with its natural defenses, and so that growth can continue beyond the wound, in the direction which the arborist deems best. Sometimes, however, the ensuing direction is unexpected, perhaps because the wound being cared for is not the only wound present1, or sometimes perhaps because the arborist is actually a designer... a visionary who sees the bigger picture... a creator who sees beauty in unusual places.

"You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust

You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of us"3

God is an arborist - a tree gardener, a planter, a grower, a caretaker. He sows and waters and feeds and prunes. He creates, protects, shapes, and transforms. He invites us to gaze at His majestic work with wonder and praise and quiet awe. His vocation is poetic and authoritative and precise. He creates beauty in paradox, nurturing our souls to grow by finding freedom through the very act of becoming captive to His desires, shaping our spirits to be uplifted higher than we could ever fathom simply by bowing down before Him, renewing our lives and our perspectives even as we allow our selfishness to die in recognition of the perfect authority of His plans.

I see in my mind my husband's view a year ago. A view colored by the beginnings of hope, colored by the perspective that life would be moving on in a sensible and predictable direction, colored by a limited understanding that failed to see that everything will be alright even when it's not all right. And suddenly, I know that what I am seeing in my memory of his outlook is actually a reflection of my own finite vision.

“This is what the Sovereign Lord says: 

I myself will take a shoot from the very top of a cedar and plant it; 

I will break off a tender sprig from its topmost shoots 

and plant it on a high and lofty mountain. 

On the mountain heights of Israel I will plant it; 

it will produce branches and bear fruit and become a splendid cedar. 

Birds of every kind will nest in it; 

they will find shelter in the shade of its branches. 

All the trees of the forest will know that 

I the Lord bring down the tall tree and make the low tree grow tall. 

I dry up the green tree and make the dry tree flourish. 

I the Lord have spoken, and I will do it.” 

(Ezekiel 17:22-24 NIV)

I don't know why God chooses to move our lives in directions that seem long and shadowy and wearying. I don't know why this is the place we have journeyed to in pursuit of His plan and His wisdom and His care. It is not a place I have ever envisioned or would have chosen on my own... but I do know that sovereign means God has supreme authority. I do know that His compassion and goodness are never-ending. I do know that nothing in the universe happens that is outside of His influence.

"All around

Hope is springing up from this old ground

Out of chaos 

life is being found in You"3

I can look at today and know that this is the day that matters. Our knots may help shape us. Our knots may be a portion of who we have become. They may remind us of what we have been through and may have influence over where we are going. But our knots do not define us. What defines us is decided by the One who defines us... the One who created us... the One who tends to our wounds and covers them with a part of Himself... the One who sees the beauty and the value of our knots and who makes good grow out from all around them. The One who sees the individual tree and also sees its place in the greater forest.

"You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of the dust

You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of us"3

"But I am like an olive tree flourishing in the house of God; 

I trust in God’s unfailing love forever and ever. 

For what you have done 

I will always praise you in the presence of your faithful people. 

And I will hope in your name, for your name is good."

(Psalm 52:8-9 NIV)

I am like a tree fluorishing...

I trust in His love...

His love never fails...

I praise Him for all He has done...

I hope in His name...

for His name is GOOD.

1 Stringer, Larry A., and Jim R. LaBerge. "We Know Trees." How Do Trees Heal?Golden Rule Tree Service, 2012. Web. 04 Sept. 2014.

2 Gary, Moulton, and King Jacky. "Pruning Tree Fruit – The Basics." Pruning Tree Fruit. WSU Mount Vernon Research & Extension Unit, n.d. Web. 04 Sept. 2014.

3 Gungor. Beautiful Things. Brash Music, 2010. MP3.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OR7VOKQ0xJY