ABIGAIL

Snow falling gently
No wind in the dance  
Floating from the sky  
Alighting on each branch  
of every tree once naked  
save for grayish bark  
now dressed in lavish white  
pearls of moonlight in the dark  
I walk through powdered rivers  
leaving rippled trails behind  
The world now is muted  
No blaring sounds remind  
of harshness or entitlement  
Peacefulness surrounds  
our desolation and perverseness  
Placidity abounds  
I inhale the frigid air  
feel the sharpness of its bite  
aware this tranquil moment  
is a mantle and a guise  
concealing misery and angst  
a world of desperate souls  
seeking hope in places grim  
seeking light in darkened holes  
Yet the miracle of snow  
provides a blanket of relief  
falling from the sky  
as a gift we all can see  
invites us lift our eyes  
up to heaven and to gaze  
in the wonder of the season  
and our gratitude to raise  
Snow falling silently  
calling us to pray  
for a healing of despair  
that will wholly grace someday

EVERGREEN

A pine in the woods buried in cold, nestled in sugary crystalline snow, peeking its needles through glistening ice, uncovered by wind gusts sweeping the night. It holds beauty in circumstance brutal and fierce. It shows strength found in roots, where wind cannot pierce. A pine thrives through seasons, no grudge towards the cold... whether springtime or harvest, in truth, it’s all gold: the treasure of summer - to grow towards the light, or to tuck into winter ‘neath stars twinkling bright. Enduring life long, standing serene, branching out strong, it thrives... ever green.

Our year has been one of drought in many ways, but somehow, at the same time, we have found our needs met by means we would have never imagined. Many times we felt extremely humbled, even uncomfortable, with the generosity given to us... but always, always we have felt overwhelmed with gratefulness to God for being faithful and to the people he has chosen to be the answers to our prayers. Throughout everything, we, too, made ourselves available to the tasks God set in front of us, and were grateful all over again - that we could do more than simply receive, we could give. I will never stop thanking God for allowing us to experience the joy that arises within, when we find ourselves able to help and encourage each other. We hope you will experience the joy of both giving and receiving God’s love this Christmas!

“They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought...”
 -Jeremiah 17:8

P.S. Please enjoy these glimpses of our group photo chaos. The branches of our family tree obviously grow in many different directions!

Wish

While a year of my life

concludes on this day

a year of my life begins.

Ends and beginnings

together inlay

become chapters 

of stories therein

some to be told

over frosted white cake

as if history

now reprised.

Others are secreted,

only in view

of one looking

deep in my eyes...
   
    hide
    make a wish  
    take a breath
   
There are times when I celebrate

times when I mourn  

the days that have followed

the day I was born.

Some days are wearisome

leaving me worn

wishes forgotten

thoughts full of scorn

or at very least crumpled

tattered and torn

cast off in my worry

and pain from the thorn...
 
    cry
    lose a wish
    take a breath
 
As I reflect on the past year

measure the depth

the distance across it

the height and the breadth

gaze at whole of it

pensive

instilled

with joy of a rose in it

wishes fulfilled

I find stories glorious

love stories true

adventure and comedy

memories new
 
    smile
    see a wish
    take a breath
 
I open my book

to the page with the fold.

The next chapter waits

for this year to disclose

whether hope births assurance

in things yet to come

and perseverance arises

to challenges won

whether longing fulfilled

provides strength like a tree

where pruning and new growth

bear fruit within me

 
   close my eyes
   take a breath
   make a wish

 “The Lord gave another message to Jeremiah. He said, ‘Go down to the potter’s shop, and I will speak to you there.’ So I did as he told me and found the potter working at his wheel. But the jar he was making did not turn out as he had hoped, so he crushed it into a lump of clay again and started over. Then the Lord gave me this message: ‘...can I not do to you as this potter has done to his clay? As the clay is in the potter’s hand, so are you in my hand.’”

‭‭Jeremiah‬ ‭18:1-6‬ ‭NLT‬‬

“Then Jesus gave them this illustration: “No one tears a piece of cloth from a new garment and uses it to patch an old garment. For then the new garment would be ruined, and the new patch wouldn’t even match the old garment.”

‭‭Luke‬ ‭5:36‬ ‭NLT‬‬

“‘Are you tired? Worn out? ...Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace...’”

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭11:28-29 MSG‬‬

“Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand... how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.”

‭‭Ephesians‬ ‭3:17-19‬ ‭NLT‬‬

“We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.”

‭‭Romans‬ ‭5:3-5‬ ‭NLT‬‬

“‘I am the true grapevine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch of mine that doesn’t produce fruit, and he prunes the branches that do bear fruit so they will produce even more... Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing.’”

‭‭John‬ ‭15:1-2, 5‬ ‭NLT‬‬

“As the Scriptures say, ‘People are like grass; their beauty is like a flower in the field. The grass withers and the flower fades. But the word of the Lord remains forever’”

‭‭1 Peter‬ ‭1:24‬ ‭NLT‬‬

LIFESONG

There are two ways in life.

Two choices apply.

One choice is to live.

One choice is to die.

If I focus on death

I’m worthless like chaff:

separate,

rootless,

and crass.

Lacking in sense,

riding the fence,

wasted,

searching

for more.

Walking in dark,

standing unmarked,

resenting

the law 

of my Lord.

Sitting alone

with thoughts’

undertone

of places

I ought not to be.

Standing transfixed

by solar eclipse,

scorning 

the light

I can’t see.

Yet...

If I focus on living,

I’m strong 

like a tree.

I naturally choose

to nourish my leaves

by rooting myself,

preventing the wither,

drawing my life

from the flow 

of the river.

Reach out 

as I grow,

living in truth,

reap what I sow,

bearing much fruit.

I rise

toward the sun,

focused in thought,

surviving the heat 

in seasons of drought.

Embracing

then rain

with branches that bend,

knowing it strengthens 

my heart to depend

on the roots of my faith,

on promises true,

belief they’ll prevail

and never 

fall though.

Like a tree 

planted strong,

I’ll meditate long

and prosper 

in all I may do.

There are two ways in life.

Two choices apply.

One choice is to live.

One choice is to die.

“Oh, the joys of those who do not follow the advice of the wicked, or stand around with sinners, or join in with mockers. But they delight in the law of the Lord, meditating on it day and night. They are like trees planted along the riverbank, bearing fruit each season. Their leaves never wither, and they prosper in all they do. But not the wicked! They are like worthless chaff, scattered by the wind. They will be condemned at the time of judgment. Sinners will have no place among the godly. For the Lord watches over the path of the godly, but the path of the wicked leads to destruction.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭1:1-6‬ ‭NLT‬‬

http://bible.com/116/psa.1.1-6.nlt

The Dark Side of Light

Depression follows me like a shadow, and my perspective of it shifts based on where my eyes are looking. Most often, I am looking at my family, and I see darkness and light play over their lives in varying degrees of contrast.

I see my oldest adopted son, whom has spiraled from the joyful light of living out his dreams and achieving his goals, down into the dark depths of schizophrenia. I see the shadows of paranoia, hostility, and anger that have hurt and isolated him from the people who care about him the most. I am helpless to stop the darkness from consuming my son, and the obvious contrast to the light-filled life he has left behind makes my heart ache. The years of effort and love that my family and my brother's family have invested into him causes my sense of reason to shake its fist in frustration and ask "Why? Why would God bring him to us, only to allow him to be lost like this?" Matthew 5:3 in The Message Bible says, "You’re blessed when you’re at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule." I am trying to come to a place where I can have hope in my son's "poorness of spirit". Jesus said that he would bless those who found themselves in the circumstance of being emotionally depleted. While I cannot understand why my son is rejecting the life and the people that he had previously chosen to care about, I also cannot understand the pain of the twelve years he lived before I ever knew him. What I do understand is that I know my son is aware of the love that God has for him. He has been immersed in that love for the last twenty years of his life, and it cannot be without effect.

I also see my husband, who suffers daily with pain and exhaustion. I see the shadow of disease hanging over his life, limiting his relationships, challenging every celebration, coloring every experience with its unavoidable presence. I hear his tired voice as he pushes through each day, never questioning why, just dealing with what's in front of him and inside of him as it comes. I feel his frustration as we figure out our limited finances and as we plan our family schedule trying to predict his stamina. I feel his arms around me as he gingerly holds me - tight enough to comfort me, loose enough to avoid more pain in his body. I respect him for his refusal to feel sorry for himself and his refusal to allow others to offer him pity. I am not so strong as he is, though, and I sometimes cry over the shadow that his sickness casts over the life we once lived as I mourn what we've lost. Matthew 5:4 in The Message Bible says, "You’re blessed when you feel you’ve lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you." Maybe that's why my husband can accept his situation without question. Maybe his acceptance of what is gone opens him up to the comfort God has for him. Maybe the peace he now has within himself is something he would have never experienced with the intense focus he used to have on things in his life which brought only temporary satisfaction. Maybe he does mourn what is lost, but the comfort of God fills him with gratitude for the blessing he has in his family and in his faith.

I see another of my sons, who teeters on the edge of darkness and light. I see the shadows pulling at him, as they also do me. I see him struggle with the hopelessness of the dark things of the world that stand out so starkly against the light which he knows holds God. I listen to him reason through his own emotions. I watch him fight with his own impulses. I feel his pain and his confusion as he wades through the muck of adolescence and of this world that sucks at his feet and tries to pull him down. I deliberate over parenting decisions and finding balance between guidance and trust. I ruminate over the past and wonder if I protected him enough or if I protected him too much. I love him fiercely, but I know that my love alone is not enough to keep him from being overcome by the dark. Matthew 5:5 in The Message Bible says, "You’re blessed when you’re content with just who you are—no more, no less. That’s the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can’t be bought.” I know that my son battles with his emotions. I know that it's scary to be vulnerable and transparent and to let people really know who you are inside. I know this because I often face the same battle and fear. I want to hide away and deny my fears and protect myself from the judgement and knowledge of people around me. But I also know that letting people know me is what God created me for. I know that he wants us to encourage each other and to grow together and to never feel alone. And I also know that when someone rejects who I am, that it does not change my value, no matter how much it hurts. When I watch my son struggle, I sometimes feel helpless, but never hopeless. I know that he belongs to God and that nothing can ever overcome that.

So... this again is the paradox of blessing. I know that my need for God is greatest when my circumstances are too big for me. I know that it means I am blessed by the difficulties I face because they push me down and cause me to be dependent on God to lift me up. I know that dependency means God's presence in my life has the opportunity to be big and strong. I know that strong presence is a light that is bright. However, I have also experienced that the brightness makes the contrast of the dark things even more prominent. This is where I struggle to stay in the light, rather than step back into the gray of the shadows. Choosing to see suffering and choosing to be seen in my own suffering is very difficult. The grayness of depression allows me to avoid dealing with an emotional intensity that is painful and revealing. Yet, I realize that God has called the grayness a worthless place to remain. He does not want me to be hidden. He desires me to bring his flavor to the situations I am faced with in my life. He desires me to shine his light out into the darkness that surrounds me. It's up to me to decide now, whether to stay hidden in the grayness or to walk towards hope and leave the shadows behind.

“You are the salt of the earth. But what good is salt if it has lost its flavor? Can you make it salty again? It will be thrown out and trampled underfoot as worthless.”
‭‭Matthew‬ ‭5:13‬ ‭NLT‬‬

“No one lights a lamp and then puts it under a basket. Instead, a lamp is placed on a stand, where it gives light to everyone in the house.”
‭‭Matthew‬ ‭5:15‬ ‭NLT‬‬

"It is not the emotionally endowed that God blesses, but the poor in spirit. It is not the buoyant and boisterous he comforts, but those who mourn. Not the prideful, but the meek." -David Mathis

“God blesses those who are poor and realize their need for him, for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs. God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted. God blesses those who are humble, for they will inherit the whole earth.” -Matthew‬ ‭5:3-5‬ ‭NLT‬‬

"Hope is like the sun, which, as we journey toward it, casts the shadow of our burden behind us." - Samuel Smiles

A Ballad of Perspective

Some days I feel too much, other days I feel nothing at all. My perspective has been dark lately, and peace likewise elusive. I read an article that explained, "the give-and-take between seeing the exquisite wonder of the world beside its bleakness, is a struggle." I think that's true. I know that a huge part of my struggle with depression is not being able to stay in balance - not being able to find the place where I feel just the right amount. People say to think positively, but I find it impossible to choose to only focus on the wonders of the world, when I know the bleakness of the world exists even if I consciously look away. And as difficult as it is to allow my heart to see that bleakness, I know that it's only when both of these perspectives are woven together, that my true destiny can be accomplished. Because I want to fulfill the purpose I was created for, I mindfully hope in the goodness that will one day arise from the bleak things in life. I focus my faith on the knowledge that resiliency is possible when wonder bravely stands alongside of that struggle for hope. And I remind myself that love does not give up in the midst of suffering. Even though I often find myself behind the bleak veil of depression, I intentionally seek to find a glimpse of wonder each day. On my darkest days I compel myself to look outward and fix my gaze on one miracle. One image I've focused on lately, is the marvel of a magnificent river. God's handiwork displayed in a river has captivated my attention over and over for the last few years. On this day, as I contemplated that image, my thoughts once again melded into words that flowed from my hand to a page - words that became, this time, a poem...

GLIMPSING WONDER

I walk upon a winding trail,

I dream upon a river's flow,

divided by an unseen wale,

'tween what I feel and what I know. 

Weary of the dusty road,

rough with unexpected stones,

weary of this cumbrous load,

weighing on my mind and bones.

The river tangent to the trees,

soothing with its dulcet roll,

sings a song upon the breeze,

beckoning my restless soul.

Weary of this pitted ground,

eroded from assailing trial,

weary of the onerous sound, 

of groaning with each wending mile.

The river cantillates refrains, 

of resonating rhapsody,

enchants, allures, and sustains, 

my dream from whole fugacity.

Weary of this wretched woe,

of never ending vicissitude,

weary of the ache and throe,

of continual solicitude.

The river captivates each sigh,

weaves symphonic undersong,

assays each sorrow drawing nigh,

sings its theory never wrong.

Weariness becomes lament,

weeping melancholy's tears,

the river bank is pain's decent, 

where suffering emerges clear.

I walk upon a winding trail,

I dream a gentle river slope,

mingling thoughts in staid grisaille,

with light to find prismatic hope.

- Lora Stonelake 3/2017

"This give-and-take between seeing the exquisite wonder of the world beside it's bleakness is a struggle."

  - Lori Chandler

"It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see."

  - Henry David Thoreau

"When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change."

  - Max Planck

"The nearer the dawn, the darker the night."

  - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow 

"Dreams... They lift us from the commonplace of life to better things."

  - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

"Now your attitudes and thoughts must all be constantly changing for the better."

  - Ephesians 4:23

“You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you!”

 - Isaiah 26:3

 “My soul yearns for you in the night, and in the morning my spirit searches and looks out for you” 

  - Isaiah 26:9

“You, Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light.”

 - Psalm 18:28

“Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning. I say to myself, 'The Lord is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him!'”

 - Lamentations 3:21-24

“Oh, that we might know the Lord! Let us press on to know him. He will respond to us as surely as the arrival of dawn or the coming of rains in early spring.”

  - Hosea 6:3

“Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance... Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely. Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love.”

  - 1 Corinthians 13:7, 12-13

"God chose a very unique word to describe His peace--a river! A river is not calm and void of activity. It is active and cleansing and confident of the direction it is headed in. A river doesn't get caught up with rocks in its path. it flows over and around them, all the while smoothing their jagged edges and allowing them to add to its beauty rather than take away from it. A river is a wonderful thing to behold... To have peace like a river is to have security and tranquility while meeting the many bumps and unexpected turns on life's journey."

  - Lysa TerKeurst

"I will have peace flowing like a river."

  - Isaiah 48:18

"A river brings joy to the city of our God, the sacred home of the Most High. God dwells in that city; it cannot be destroyed. From the very break of day, God will protect it." 

  - Psalms 46:4-5