Love Rises

My mom and dad have what is surely the best example I know of what an enduring marriage relationship looks like. When I look at their relationship with each other, I see that the strength that holds them together is the inclusion of God. I love the quote by Tennessee Williams, "The violets in the mountains have broken the rocks." Those words paint a miraculous picture of the fragile thing overcoming the hard thing, of beauty and life surviving in the crevices of dark and difficult circumstances. I myself have experienced that marriage is not easy, especially in the face of the ongoing trauma that surrounds having a family member with extensive medical issues. My parents have experienced those circumstances in their marriage, my younger brother having been born with a rare form of muscular dystrophy that compromised his physical health and development throughout his 22 years of life. The experience of chronic trauma in our family was compounded by the additional heartbreak of my brother’s death. My parents’ response to such difficulty and sorrow always has taught me well about the paradox of suffering. They showed me that the pain of suffering brings about the gift of learning to love with no regrets, and learning to limit your focus to the most important things in life. My mom and dad’s example has helped me to understand that the very thing that feels like it is threatening to tear a family apart, can actually be a catalyst that brings deep unity to that family instead. Their example of faith has shown me that by choosing to trust God in circumstances that are unthinkably terrible, I am allowing him the opportunity to turn what seems tragic into something more beautiful than I could ever have imagined. In their marriage, my parents allowed God to carry them to places where they surely never would have chosen to go on their own. They have trusted God through many situations which anyone could not possibly choose to embrace, and which many people would even bitterly say called for resentment. Yet, here they are today, truly living in gratitude for the dark valleys they have journeyed through. Here they are today, privileged to experience a glimpse of a present and a future that is not framed by the lack of what they have lost, but rather by the love of what they have grown. I know that their love today does not exist because they have spent the last 50 years gazing at themselves, or even at each other. I know that their love exists today because over the last 50 years, they have consistently chosen together to look in the direction of God. I am so thankful for their example that the most important thing a husband and a wife can do in their marriage relationship, is to cling to love for God and for each other. My parent’s marriage and their lives are truly evidence that love will always rise when given the opportunity.

“And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”

‭‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭13:13‬ ‭NIV‬‬

"...I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, 'My Grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness'"

2 Corinthians 12:8b-9a NIV

The Dark Side of Light

Depression follows me like a shadow, and my perspective of it shifts based on where my eyes are looking. Most often, I am looking at my family, and I see darkness and light play over their lives in varying degrees of contrast.

I see my oldest adopted son, whom has spiraled from the joyful light of living out his dreams and achieving his goals, down into the dark depths of schizophrenia. I see the shadows of paranoia, hostility, and anger that have hurt and isolated him from the people who care about him the most. I am helpless to stop the darkness from consuming my son, and the obvious contrast to the light-filled life he has left behind makes my heart ache. The years of effort and love that my family and my brother's family have invested into him causes my sense of reason to shake its fist in frustration and ask "Why? Why would God bring him to us, only to allow him to be lost like this?" Matthew 5:3 in The Message Bible says, "You’re blessed when you’re at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule." I am trying to come to a place where I can have hope in my son's "poorness of spirit". Jesus said that he would bless those who found themselves in the circumstance of being emotionally depleted. While I cannot understand why my son is rejecting the life and the people that he had previously chosen to care about, I also cannot understand the pain of the twelve years he lived before I ever knew him. What I do understand is that I know my son is aware of the love that God has for him. He has been immersed in that love for the last twenty years of his life, and it cannot be without effect.

I also see my husband, who suffers daily with pain and exhaustion. I see the shadow of disease hanging over his life, limiting his relationships, challenging every celebration, coloring every experience with its unavoidable presence. I hear his tired voice as he pushes through each day, never questioning why, just dealing with what's in front of him and inside of him as it comes. I feel his frustration as we figure out our limited finances and as we plan our family schedule trying to predict his stamina. I feel his arms around me as he gingerly holds me - tight enough to comfort me, loose enough to avoid more pain in his body. I respect him for his refusal to feel sorry for himself and his refusal to allow others to offer him pity. I am not so strong as he is, though, and I sometimes cry over the shadow that his sickness casts over the life we once lived as I mourn what we've lost. Matthew 5:4 in The Message Bible says, "You’re blessed when you feel you’ve lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you." Maybe that's why my husband can accept his situation without question. Maybe his acceptance of what is gone opens him up to the comfort God has for him. Maybe the peace he now has within himself is something he would have never experienced with the intense focus he used to have on things in his life which brought only temporary satisfaction. Maybe he does mourn what is lost, but the comfort of God fills him with gratitude for the blessing he has in his family and in his faith.

I see another of my sons, who teeters on the edge of darkness and light. I see the shadows pulling at him, as they also do me. I see him struggle with the hopelessness of the dark things of the world that stand out so starkly against the light which he knows holds God. I listen to him reason through his own emotions. I watch him fight with his own impulses. I feel his pain and his confusion as he wades through the muck of adolescence and of this world that sucks at his feet and tries to pull him down. I deliberate over parenting decisions and finding balance between guidance and trust. I ruminate over the past and wonder if I protected him enough or if I protected him too much. I love him fiercely, but I know that my love alone is not enough to keep him from being overcome by the dark. Matthew 5:5 in The Message Bible says, "You’re blessed when you’re content with just who you are—no more, no less. That’s the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can’t be bought.” I know that my son battles with his emotions. I know that it's scary to be vulnerable and transparent and to let people really know who you are inside. I know this because I often face the same battle and fear. I want to hide away and deny my fears and protect myself from the judgement and knowledge of people around me. But I also know that letting people know me is what God created me for. I know that he wants us to encourage each other and to grow together and to never feel alone. And I also know that when someone rejects who I am, that it does not change my value, no matter how much it hurts. When I watch my son struggle, I sometimes feel helpless, but never hopeless. I know that he belongs to God and that nothing can ever overcome that.

So... this again is the paradox of blessing. I know that my need for God is greatest when my circumstances are too big for me. I know that it means I am blessed by the difficulties I face because they push me down and cause me to be dependent on God to lift me up. I know that dependency means God's presence in my life has the opportunity to be big and strong. I know that strong presence is a light that is bright. However, I have also experienced that the brightness makes the contrast of the dark things even more prominent. This is where I struggle to stay in the light, rather than step back into the gray of the shadows. Choosing to see suffering and choosing to be seen in my own suffering is very difficult. The grayness of depression allows me to avoid dealing with an emotional intensity that is painful and revealing. Yet, I realize that God has called the grayness a worthless place to remain. He does not want me to be hidden. He desires me to bring his flavor to the situations I am faced with in my life. He desires me to shine his light out into the darkness that surrounds me. It's up to me to decide now, whether to stay hidden in the grayness or to walk towards hope and leave the shadows behind.

“You are the salt of the earth. But what good is salt if it has lost its flavor? Can you make it salty again? It will be thrown out and trampled underfoot as worthless.”
‭‭Matthew‬ ‭5:13‬ ‭NLT‬‬

“No one lights a lamp and then puts it under a basket. Instead, a lamp is placed on a stand, where it gives light to everyone in the house.”
‭‭Matthew‬ ‭5:15‬ ‭NLT‬‬

"It is not the emotionally endowed that God blesses, but the poor in spirit. It is not the buoyant and boisterous he comforts, but those who mourn. Not the prideful, but the meek." -David Mathis

“God blesses those who are poor and realize their need for him, for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs. God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted. God blesses those who are humble, for they will inherit the whole earth.” -Matthew‬ ‭5:3-5‬ ‭NLT‬‬

"Hope is like the sun, which, as we journey toward it, casts the shadow of our burden behind us." - Samuel Smiles

This Flower Called Marriage

Dear Jason,

I love this handmade anniversary card that came in the mail for us from my parents today. I appreciate more and more my mom's talent as a nature photographer. This photo she sent to us is so beautiful - with the flower petals overlapping, one blossom resting on the other, the centers of the growing flowers filled with life-giving pollen. 

This photo reminds me of our marriage on the days it is at its best, but ironically, it is often-times that those good marriage days are some of the hardest "life" days. 

I think about how we are entangled with each other, our lives woven together over the last 28 years since we met, our history overlapping like these flower petals. We are steadier in a storm because we are standing together, even in the times we ourselves feel like pushing or pulling away, even when our circumstances attempt to push or pull us away. Being interwoven almost forces us to persevere together, in order to survive at all. I reminisce about how we each have had in the past and will again have in the future, our stronger times and our weaker times. (Thankfully, usually not at the SAME time!) During those times, each of us knows we can lean on the other, lay our head against a loving shoulder and feel supported, even in the times when there are no words to help. Sometimes, just being able to rest on each other renews our strength to continue the climb.

I gaze at the yellow center of the flowers, where the pollen's purpose is to give life. I know you will agree we discovered early on that we will surely fail each other often - that neither of us are perfect, and that neither one of us can be the other's savior- no matter how much we desire to rescue each other. I believe we have both learned that putting each other at our center is as destructive as putting our own self or our children or our finances or our health in that most central place. More importantly, I believe we have learned individually, and as a couple, to keep God at our center, because God is where our marriage draws its life from, and God is the source for our relationship to create seeds that grow fruit such as love, consideration, patience, and faithfulness.

I sit here journaling on this night before our 22nd anniversary, contemplating this beautiful photo, my mind flooded by this entire garden of thoughts accompanying the sweet sentiment from my parents. I am overwhelmed by the glimpses of truth revealed in such a small piece of creation. I am fully graced by God's love for both of us and for our family. I am grateful for the gift He has blessed me with by planting you and me together, so that we may share deep roots in the rich soil of His goodness. I know that we will continue to weather the fierce storms and the burning heat of each drought, and I know that we will also continue to soak up the gentle rains and life-light of the sun. I know that we will thrive together, all the while leaning on each other, and faithfully keeping our faces hope-filled and upturned to gaze at Him. 

My prayer for you this next year, my husband, is from Ephesians 3:14-19, "When I think of all this, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father, the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth. I pray that from His glorious, unlimited resources He will empower you with inner strength through His Spirit. Then Christ will continue to make His home in your heart as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep His love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God."

And my prayer for our marriage follows in verse 20, 

"Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think."

Happy Anniversary,

I love you always.

“I have heard all about you, Lord. I am filled with awe by your amazing works. In this time of our deep need, help us again as you did in years gone by... remember your mercy.”

Habakkuk 3:2 NLT

"They are like trees planted along a riverbank, with roots that reach deep into the water. Such trees are not bothered by the heat or worried by long months of drought. Their leaves stay green, and they never stop producing fruit."

Jeremiah 17:8 NLT

“I will send you the seasonal rains. The land will then yield its crops, and the trees of the field will produce their fruit... I will walk among you; I will be your God, and you will be my people.”

Leviticus 26:4,12 NLT

                    June 11, 1994

Another Anniversary Post:

http://ofwildernessandrockyplaces.blogspot.com/2014/06/i-will.html?m=1

Walking In The Light ( Part 2 )

!ATTENTION!

PLEASE READ PART 1 OF THIS POST FIRST, IF YOU HAVE NOT DONE SO, THANKS! http://ofwildernessandrockyplaces.blogspot.com/2014/08/walking-in-light-part-1.html

“Then Job replied to the Lord, 

‘I know that you can do anything, and no one can stop you. 

You asked, Who is this that questions my wisdom with such ignorance? 

It is I - and I was talking about things I knew nothing about…'”

Job 42:1-3

When my daughter’s ENT surgeon brought me the foreboding news that one of her tonsils had “irregular anatomy” and was being sent to pathology for further examination, I was able to move quickly from a sense of fear to a sense of peace. But I could only reconcile that peace to my own thoughts and my own determination. I had yet to share the news with my husband, and everything within my fallible human heart resisted against doing so.

To cause another person emotional pain is against my most basic nature. When I was younger, I was the girl whom often befriended the kid nobody else really liked. I was the girl who would rather be grounded for two weeks by my angry mom than to hear my dad say he was disappointed in me. I was the girl who would listen to a boy bore me to tears rather than get up and walk away from him and hurt his feelings. Now, as an adult, I tend to keep things to myself if I believe knowledge of them may be painful for someone I care about.

In my marriage this peacemaker tendency tends to cause more dissension than it does tranquility. In my quest to avoid conflict, I wait to share information with my husband that I perceive will bring about negative feelings. At times, my misguided plan is successful in diverting the situation I don’t want to face, but more often it begets a river of negativism from a mere trickle. I end up dealing with double the confrontation than if I had simply been open from the start.

As I contemplated sharing the surgeon’s report of the need to examine the irregular tissue removed during our daughter’s tonsillectomy, I began to make a list of all of the things my husband has been faced with in this past year alone. Already concerned with his physical and emotional health, I hesitated to heap more onto the pile of difficult issues which seem to be burying us lately. Undecided in how to break this potentially crushing news for him about our daughter, the joy of his heart, I kept it from him while we were not in the physical presence of each other. As my daughter and I were being escorted to the hospital parking lot after her discharge, I was confronted with the news that another driver had experienced a medical emergency, causing her vehicle to crash into the back of my parked car during my daughter’s surgery. Here was some more bad news - news that I had no choice but to call my husband to deal with, pushing the other conceivably difficult discussion even further from my desire to attend to.

In a not unusual array of circumstances, I found that I did not have an opportunity to speak to my husband alone until late in the evening. By that time I was struggling mightily inside myself, weighing the risks and the consequences of telling him that night, or waiting. I have come so far in learning to trust God for myself, and I‘ve even progressed significantly in trusting him for my kids, but trusting God to deal with my husband’s faith is an area that I fail in over and over again. Once more, as I prayed and struggled to find the right thing to do, I called upon my two wise friends to give me their opinions. Once more, they both encouraged me to trust God with my husband’s reaction rather than trying to control things myself. I texted to one of these friends, “I just want God to tell me it’s the right thing to do.” At the same time, I was having a conversation with my son, who had been hiding the details of a bike accident he’d had earlier that day. These words came out of my mouth to my son, “You don’t need to hide things from us just because you think we might be upset. Don’t you feel better now that you shared this with us? Isn’t it better to talk things out than to pretend they didn’t happen?” In that moment I heard God’s words coming out of my mouth, speaking to me as my Father, just I had been speaking to my son.

When I shared the surgeon’s news with my husband, he responded as I had anticipated. He did not tell me it was okay. He did not hug me or pray with me that things would work out. He put his head into his hands and grimly said, “I hate this day! Is there anything else that can possibly happen to make it worse? I have nowhere lower to go!” And then he was silent for a very long time. My heart hurt for his, wrenching with the pain of knowing everything in him wanted to keep his baby girl safe, yet knowing he was helpless to control this. All I could do was to put him in God’s hands along with my daughter, to allow the plans of the all knowing Lord of the universe to unfold in ways unforeseeable to me.

As hours went by, I silently went about soothing my hands with end-of-the-day-tasks. Around midnight, I allowed the soft cushions of the couch to embrace me, my body spent and needing to be still. As my spirit continued to wander over thoughts of my husband's heartache, at last he chose to come to me, to comfort me, and to be comforted. I felt the heaviness in his soul as he lay his head against me and I smoothed his hair in an unconscious attempt to soothe his worry away. The next day, as life continued on in the way that it always seems to do, I felt flutters of hope as I saw him face the day’s challenges with resolve, and anticipation washed over me as I heard him purpose to trust God with our daughter’s life. And when the news came the next day after that, saying our daughter was healthy and the pathology report was normal, I heard my husband thank God with unabated relief in his voice. I, myself, was filled with gratefulness that God showed me this exquisite miracle to gently help me let go of one more thing I can't control. I am hopeful that through the next thing and the next, that I will remember to let God in his infinite wisdom do what he knows to do, without me having to linger in uncertainty about the process. I am thankful for good friends who helped me see the right thing to do, because if I hadn't chosen to share this regenerative experience with my husband, I wouldn't have seen with my own eyes what my merciful and compassionate God can do for him. All glory to God forever, Amen!

“Jesus spoke to the people once more and said,

'I am the light of the world.

If you follow me, you won't have to walk in darkness,

because you will have the light that leads to life."

John 8:12 NLT

“Then Job replied to the Lord: 
‘I know that you can do anything, and no one can stop you. 

You asked, Who is this that questions my wisdom with such ignorance? 

It is I - and I was talking about things I know nothing about, 
things far too wonderful for me. 
You said, Listen and I will speak! 
I have some questions for you, and you must answer them. 

I had only heard about you before, but now I have seen you with my own eyes. 

I take back everything I said, and I sit in dust and ashes to show my repentance.”

Job 42:1-6 NLT

“Oh, how great are God’s riches and wisdom and knowledge! 

How impossible it is for us to understand his decisions and his ways! 

For who can know the Lord’s thoughts? Who knows enough to give him advice? 

And who has given him so much that he needs to pay it back? 

For everything comes from him 
and exists by his power 
and is intended for his glory. 

All glory to him forever! Amen.”

Romans 11:33-36 NLT

I Will...

In days of old, God's people built altars to acknowledge and to remember the places where He had performed a miracle, or had saved them, or had revealed Himself to them in a significant moment. 

Twenty years ago yesterday, my husband and I recited our wedding vows at an altar in the church of my childhood. This specific altar represented not only the heritage of my faith, but also the miracle of the moment when that heritage became the beginning of my own legacy, as I made the choice to have a relationship with Jesus because I desired to, rather than because my family told me to.

Throughout the day yesterday, I found myself contemplating the marriage vows I had made at that altar, the same altar where the cornerstone of my faith had been laid. 

Will you take this man to be your husband... Will you love him, respect him, defend him, honor him... Will you keep him in sickness and in health... Will you seek his joy and share his burden... Will you cherish him with a womanly love and affection... Will you seek to understand him and support his faith with your own faith in Christ?

It is apparent to me in my reflection of our wedding ceremony, that while I repeated the words contained in those vows with the utmost sincerity and a heart overflowing with love for the man whom I spoke them to, my inexperience and naivete shielded me from the truth of what honoring my vows would require of me. 

I look back at myself as a young woman contemplating marriage to the man who held my heart in his hands, and I can see that I had formed a sparkly ideal of what our life together would be like. I was bold in my determination of how our plans would unfold. I believed our choices and our love would lead us to the perfect fruition of the dream my six-year-old self had imagined back when I had pretended that my Grandma's filmy scarf was a wedding veil and that my little cousin was my attentive bridesmaid carrying a basket of torn paper "rose petals". At age twenty-three, I did not have the wisdom or experience to know that it was not our plans that should have been the focus of the marriage relationship, but rather a willingness to be obedient to God's plans. I did not foresee that often in the next two decades, our choices would lead us to places far away from perfection. I did not understand the truth that no matter how much love for this person seemed to exude out of my every pore as a seventeen-year-old girl, and even more so as a young newlywed, love would not always be so obvious in the face of real life "stuff".

Today, when I read the vows we made on our wedding day, it is with the addendum of ancillary notes and thoughts scribbled in the margins of my mind:

Will you take this man... 

this one right here in front of you, as well as the one he will grow to be as he faces continual changes and struggles and is molded a bit more each day, each month, each year into the person God intentionally created him to become. 

Will you love and respect him... 

and discover the very important lesson that, for him, the word "love" is contained within the word "respect", and that he would choose the latter over the former, were he asked to make that choice?

Will you defend him and honor him... 

even when that means defending him from yourself, from your own emotional ups and downs, from the moments when you think you need and deserve to be selfish and get caught up in having your own way prevail... even when choosing to honor him means walking with him in a direction that you may not have chosen for yourself?

Will you keep him in sickness and in health...

learning to understand that "keep" means to remain, to stay, to care for... not settling for merely tolerating the circumstances, but instead choosing to thrive in the midst of them even when sick days stop being the exception and instead become the norm? 

Will you seek your husband's joy...

even during the seasons when the treasure of it can only be discovered in small moments that are achingly transient... even when those moments overwhelm you with a nostalgic longing for what had seemed so beautifully effortless to the people you both once were?

Will you carry his burden...

Will you carry his burden to Jesus when the weight of it is too much for either of you to bear on your own? Will you be a part of the sustenance which God has promised to provide? Will you support and encourage him to not give up, to lean on Jesus in order find the hope to live courageously? Will you trust God as He purposes to cultivate a spiritual strength in both of you, and allows in your lives the miraculous paradox of burden ripening into the fruit called blessing?           

Will you cherish him with a womanly love and affection... 

even on the days when you would rather run and hide... even when that means simply being grateful for his hand to hold and shoulder to lean against as you sit and silently contemplate the challenges tomorrow will bring?

Will you seek to understand him and support his faith with your own faith in Christ... 
choosing to have compassion for him when all you want to do is close your eyes and cry for yourself... choosing to believe that all things - ALL things, truly do work for good in the plans that God has for your lives... choosing to believe that the rain and the clouds and the valleys and even the desert journey has a purpose... choosing to trust that this path will lead to the perfect fruition of a portrait that at this moment in time, you cannot even fathom in your imagination?

Twenty years later, as I ponder these vows made with idyllic innocence and wholehearted faith, I realize that my marriage itself has become an altar: a place where God has performed many miracles, a place where He has saved me from my own selfish inclinations, a place where He has revealed Himself to me over and over and over again, a place where I have learned to trust Him with every detail of my life - to trust Him enough to view the past with triumph, to live today with gratefulness, and to step forward into tomorrow with a promise to persevere in the waiting as two words flow in an abiding whisper from my lips... I will.

I Will Love You

by
Daniel Haughia

As long as I can dream, as long as I can think, 
as long as I have a memory, 
I will love you.

As long as I have eyes to see, and ears to hear, 
and lips to speak, 
I will love you.

As long as I have a heart to feel, a soul stirring within me, 
an imagination to hold you, 
I will love you.

As long as there is time, as long as there is love, as long as there is you, 
and as long as I have a breath  to speak your name,
I will love you...

because I love you more than anything in all the world.


Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you,
 he will never let the righteous be shaken.
Psalm 55:22 NIV

And we know that God causes everything work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.
Romans 8:28 NLT

Carry each other's burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ.
Galatians 6:2 NIV

Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ.
Ephesians 5:22 MSG

I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.
Romans 15:13 NLT

David built an altar there to the Lord and sacrificed burnt offerings and peace offerings.
And the Lord answered his prayer...
2 Samuel 24:25a NLT

I will send you the seasonal rains. The land will then yield its crops,
and the trees of the field will produce their fruit.
Leviticus 26:4 NLT