Essence Explored

There is an old folk hymn titled “I Wonder As I Wander.” I am through and through a wonderer. I wonder about everything as I wander through my life. Sometimes, it feels like my brain is an arcade game stuck on “jackpot”, and the never ending pay out is in questions instead of tokens. Some of these questions involve an ongoing self-assessment and re-assessment that attempts to categorize who I am. I’m not sure how often other people do this, but I continually find myself examining who I am on different days, in different situations. Many times, I’m defining my role or my boundaries in certain circumstances or with certain people. Do I need to be guarded? Can I be relaxed? Sometimes, I’m trying to see myself through someone else’s eyes and shaping my own response based on what I think they see. Is this person needing some encouragement from me? Did that person just give me the cold shoulder? These types of self-assessments are the simple ones, semi-transient, and happen almost subconsciously among the other thoughts filling my head.

In my quiet, more complicated moments, when my mind can focus on processing those simple assessments I’ve collected, I pause and try to glimpse my essence. Essence is the intrinsic nature or indispensable quality of something that determines what it is. My essence defines who I am as a total person. My essence is my soul. I believe the biblical truth which tells me that as a human being, I am created in the image of God. Who I am made to be is ultimately meant to be a reflection of Him. 

I think this means that even when I wander away from God, even when I’m too focused on myself, the potential remains for my essence to reflect Him... He’s still there, He still loves me, He doesn’t disappear. It’s me who is wandering away from Him.  I separate myself from Him when I live focused on myself - such as when I am consumed with despair over my suffering, or when I am lost in the guilt of my sin. There is a hopelessness that begins to infiltrate me when I wander away from God that feels like an empty yearning. My essence is changed without Him, and I begin to reflect that hopelessness that is seeping into me. In my experience, who I am when I’m separated from God is distracted, desperate, lonely, wounded, lost. When my essence is defined by this painful state of hopelessness, there is in me a longing for relief. Having much experience with the ridiculously human habit of making the same mistakes over and over, I do now realize that relief can only be had in the presence of transforming love and grace that is found in the essence of Jesus Christ. I know that the key to moving away from hopelessness is to shift my focus from the element of my self, and intentionally move my mind towards the catalyst of Jesus, who changes my essence.

Sometimes, I wander away from God when I suffer. When someone in my family is sick or hurting or has lost themselves in confusion, when our finances are constantly tight and there’s always another vehicle repair to pay for, when my head aches for two days or I feel completely exhausted and sleep doesn’t relieve it, when someone speaks lies about me or someone doesn’t speak to me at all... suffering can hi-jack my focus in those instances and deceive me. I wander away, withdrawing into myself, severing connections, and neglecting nourishment of my soul. Suffering leaves wounds... hurting, vulnerable places which I cannot always take care of on my own. The amazing truth is, however, that it is through these very wounds that Jesus can enter my life. In order for that to happen, though, I have to stop running away to nurse them myself, and intentionally move towards Him, seeking His help. His soothing touch and healing love can then attend to my brokenness and begin to soften my despair into hope, and focus me on God once again. 

Sometimes, I wander from God as a result of my own sinfulness. In those situations, I am willfully moving away from Him and focusing on choices that do not reflect His character, and that distance begins to change my essence. Who I am without Him becomes exposed, and my selfishness is then apparent. Without God, sin rules my life, and leaves me hopeless, lost, and desperate. But, I know that if I humble myself and come back and expose my broken parts to God, that the blood of Jesus Christ will cover my sin... seep into it. The mercy of Jesus transforms my hopelessness with grace, and turns my despair into hope. Jesus changes my essence.

My wonderings and my wanderings have shown me that the most hopeful place for me is to be held in the hands of God. At times, the Bible refers to God as The Potter. When He holds my life in His hands, He can transform me with the love He’s given me in His son, Jesus Christ. The Bible tells me that Jesus offers living water. As it enters my soul, He refreshes me, brings life to me. The living water of Jesus Christ quenches my thirst. I absorb His healing touch completely, and as He continues to fill me, His love can overflow onto the people walking near me in my life. As I am filled with the living water of Christ, the Potter shapes my heart for the purpose of holding and pouring out His love and for loving Him in return. My soul was created to be saturated with Him and reflect the beauty of His love. I know, though, that my essence will only remain saturated with Jesus if I consciously choose every day to be near Him. The more I focus on staying near and asking God to fill me with the things HE wants for my life, the more tenderhearted I become. The fruit I can bear from His nourishment is gentle and good. 

These days as my mind wonders, I intentionally remind myself to not wander away. I remind myself to take care to maintain my faith, and to remain close to Jesus in relationship and prayer. I find more and more that when wondering lures my mindset to wander away from Him, I recognize sooner the shadow that falls over me. The shadow is cold and whispers of the dark despair of my life when I’m separated from God. My remembrances of that hopeless place incites a desire in me to remain together with Him. I know that if I don’t intentionally stay close, I am being careless with my life, allowing my wondering to lead me to put the majority of my focus and attention on the world’s messages and values. In that mindset, my faith will easily become distorted, and eventually I will wander even further away, and become confused. I don’t want to wander away. I value my life near God, in Christ, and I want to remain saturated in His love. I am thankful that He continually holds out His hand of grace to me, beckoning me to come near, and to fill my essence with Him.

Essence

Water and earth      
melt into clay      
beneath prismatic arc      
of sun and of rain      
     
Once arid and parched      
the dust has known thirst      
yearning for rain      
from sky forth to burst      
     
Trickles of rust -      
a medium forms      
from broken hard land      
now softened by storms      
     
Hands of a potter      
enfolding the new      
this clay that is one      
where there once had been two      
     
Two elements strong      
a mingled duet      
blended together      
to become what was meant      
     
Melted together      
essence embraced      
absorbing each other      
long more than for sate      
     
A vessel is shaped      
concave at the heart      
existing for purpose      
delighted as art...      
     
Calls to be filled      
desires to hold      
to curve around gently      
soft edges rolled      
     
A vessel, caressed      
sculpted with care      
light shines from the hollow      
exposed to the air      
     
This new form is fragile      
its memory fresh      
with original thought      
of each piece, separate    
   
Easily shattered    
by foot or by hand    
by careless intention    
may scatter in sand    
     
But, wholly together      
two remain one      
rain prismatic light      
from within, reflect sun    

LS 3/30/18  
     
     
“But now, O Lord, you are our Father; we are the clay, and you are our potter; we are all the work of your hand.”      
‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭64:8‬ ‭ESV‬‬      
     
“We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves.”      
2 Corinthians‬ ‭4:7‬ ‭NLT‬‬‬‬      
     
“You water its furrows abundantly, settling its ridges, softening it with showers, and blessing its growth.”      
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭65:10‬ ‭ESV‬‬

“But the person who is joined to the Lord is one spirit with him.”

‭‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭6:17‬ ‭NLT

“For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.”

‭‭Ephesians‬ ‭2:10‬ ‭NLT‬‬

“I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.”

‭‭Romans‬ ‭15:13‬ ‭NLT

“Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.”

‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭4:23‬ ‭NLT

“I have loved you even as the Father has loved me. Remain in my love.”

‭‭John‬ ‭15:9‬ ‭NLT

“Hold on to the pattern of wholesome teaching you learned from me—a pattern shaped by the faith and love that you have in Christ Jesus. Through the power of the Holy Spirit who lives within us, carefully guard the precious truth that has been entrusted to you.”

‭‭2 Timothy‬ ‭1:13-14‬ ‭NLT

“For God, who said, ‘Let light shine out of darkness,’ has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.”

‭‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭4:6‬ ‭ESV